When I was young all I really wanted was to know who I was and be recognized for the task I would take on to become someone recognizable to the world. Little did I know that task would be a whirlwind of ups and downs that I would learn from. It all started with basketball, one dribble at a time, one shot in the hoop just to make me feel like I could accomplish a job given to me. A job that I believed was my god given right since I grew to love it. However, just because you love something doesn’t always mean it’s for you. This is what I had to learn early on. Some dreams aren’t meant for you and that is something I had to learn to be okay with the hard way. However, I didn’t learn this for a while and didn’t realize I was learning it up until I had a moment of severe discipline as I would like to recall. That story is for later on in this entry. Basketball on a team in. a college disciplined scenario was a lot harder than I thought. Despite the ongoing athletic training I had to undergo and the endless hell week of testing my abilities giving it my all. I didn’t make the team and my heart was shattered. I felt like I could at least be a substitute for the team but even the coach told me you just don’t have the skills to play and that hurt like nothing I’ve ever experienced in life. Although, I had to move on my big heart couldn’t settle for something complacent, it had to be something amazing, something that could change me forever and it did. I decided to take on theatre arts and what a journey that would become.
But the biggest journey came right around the last play I did called the Lillie’s of the Field. I decided to give myself a break from that world as I was taken into negative spaces of not being able to be everything I needed to be in that role. Of not capturing every last bit of who was needed to fit that role of a nun. I had recently taken on a task of stage manager and the belief in me again started to tank as my authority figures didn’t believe I was doing all that was required of me and my impulsivities of the fear of rejection got the best of me. I was more than a girl with big dreams I was one with psychological problems I had not yet explored, and I didn’t know I needed that kind of therapeutic treatment up until my psychotic break. When I was in a negative head space, I was not a reasonable and pleasant person and I had become a monster. Taking the unconscious instability along with me into my next venture I had become somewhat psychotic after once again I was told I wasn’t giving enough to my project or job. This time it was at a camp for the disabled and I enjoyed making a difference in someone’s life. However, the authorities felt I wasn’t giving enough diligent work to the campers and the duties asked of me. I couldn’t help but go into a fantasy of the psych that allowed me to reach a level of non-reality. They call this schizophrenia. You see, I went into a state where my unconscious mind stored everything I ever went to and made up this delusion about myself and who I’m supposed to be as I recently stated I sought to be powerful and becoming. However, I believe now after my delusion that this was a huge lesson in being disciplined with myself and going through the motions of dealing with negativity.