Meanderings of the mind

I awoke early, much earlier than usual. I lay in the darkness looking at the sliver of moon I could see through the crack in the dusty blinds. My mind tried to wander over the remnants of the dream I'd just been in. Feeling my heart begin to race, and my mind begin to wander, I smiled. Folded my hands on my chest and said hello to God, the Universe, the light and love. I don't want to play this game anymore. No more worry. No more yesterday, as today is a miracle all it's own.

I prayed. I prayed for the children lost and alone. I prayed for the end of the fear, I prayed for my eye to be open and my soul to find me here. I prayed for my passion, for my purpose to make itself known. I thanked the Universe for the blessings bestowed to me, to you, to us all. The kiss of moonlight through the window, the stars shining in the darkest night. The sunshine greeting us in the morning with it's warm kiss upon my shoulders, and the breeze blowing through the green rustling leaves in the trees, softly caressing my cheek.

I thanked the Universe for the birds song, as it praised another beautiful day alive. Grateful for this life I've been given, the chance to serve others and love unconditionally myself and everyone as one. I thanked The Universe for letting me be here for the Great Awakening, the age of Aquarius, for giving me this time sequestered at home, to learn about me, to forgive myself and others, to better myself and find the light within.

I ended my prayer with meditation, then lay in darkness once more. Listening to the sound of the birds arising and watching as the sky turned from black to grey and finally to a light dusky blue. I listened to the sound of traffic on the highway not far from my home, and just as I decided I may as well rise, my eyes fluttered closed and I found myself in a dream that was telling. I was working in a restaurant, with friends, old and new. Working hard, getting no recognition. Then suddenly, as if there had been no divide we all started working together as one. Cleaning, organizing and trying to make a change.

My close friend in the reality of now was made manager, and I was jealous but didn't know why. I kept working then outside to take a break and breathe in the air. Everything seemed so ordinary there. No masks were worn, no virus out to kill. Just people, coming and going. Laughing and talking. Breathing deeply I realized I didn't belong there. The jealousy I had felt disappeared and I awoke again to find the sun shining, hearing the laughter of the little boy that lives across from me.

I stretched and smiled and started my day again, with prayer. Thank you God (Universe) for the lessons I've learned that have brought me here. Thank you for the blessings, the experiences, the lessons. Thank you for my life, for once I remember praying for you to take it. Thank you for knowing better than I. Thank you for every hurt that spurred me on my way to this moment. Thank you for letting me live another day.

I got out of bed, opened the window, and began my day. Coffee, feeding the cat, the same routine only today felt somehow different. I loaded the dishwasher, washed the pans in the sink and wiped down the counters. I made my bed, got dressed and brushed my hair and teeth. I smiled at myself and said good morning like I was greeting an old friend.

I poured a cup of coffee, treating myself to a little whip cream and caramel on top. I watered the flowers and herbs that adorn my sanctuary, went around to the front and watered the flowers I found there then proceeded to the garden, where food grew to feed my daughter and I. Still smiling, still grateful for all I have, and the things I have yet to receive.

I sprayed down my car and filled a bucket with soap and water and washed the summers worth of dust and dirt from my car, before the sun warmed it to a blistering heat. I rinsed and dried, and didn't even mind the few remaining drips that I hadn't noticed at first.

Proceeding inside I poured another cup of coffee, checked my emails, and started studying for the test to the license that I hope will set me financially free. Hard work still to accomplish, but the date of the test coming up fast. I took a practice test and then spent time with my trainer learning to build a financial plan. Observing for now, taking it all in.

With that done, I set about making Cream Cheese Danishes, then made myself lunch, ate, and relaxed for a minute. Constantly reminding myself how grateful I should be for the world around me and the blessing provided within it. Happiness mine for the taking, abundance my birthright.

I then went to the yard and began cleaning up after my daughters dog. Another chore that I've put off all summer. I normally make her do it but the heat has been unbearable this year, and besides I felt It was something I needed to do myself. As I worked scooping, dumping, dragging the can around with me to deposit the earthy scoops, I found myself thinking about the life I've created this far. It no longer serves me.

I got an epiphany. Shadow work if you will. I've been carrying shame, pain, the past around with me forever. Constantly replaying the mistake I made in my first marriage. I realized that although I had apologized and asked forgiveness from my ex, I had never once forgiven myself. I had only done it out of loneliness and the inability to speak up for myself. I was unable to put into words my feelings, my needs, my desires. I was unable to speak of my feelings and put into words how his actions had hurt me. I thought he should just know. Yet he didn't and I took it as though he didn't care and in the process hurt him deeply. I'd been reliving it. Hating myself for it. Blaming myself for it all. I needed to release it, forgive myself and leave it in the past. It was a lesson. A lesson I'd learned a long time ago, or maybe just learned today.

I continued to scoop, the sun upon my shoulders, sweat dripping into my eyes and stinging. I moved a little closer to the present and realized while my second husband had programmed my mind to want to die, he didn't know that is what he had done. He probably to this day wasn't aware he even held that power. He was mean, he reflected every feeling and thought he had of himself directly to me for years, no matter what I did to please him it was never enough. No matter what I did for our family, it wasn't good enough. I let him rewire my brain, I didn't see it happening and took all the blame.

I cried myself to sleep for years, not really knowing why, but hating myself and wanting to die. Secretly thinking I was all to blame. A horrible person unable to make anyone happy. When that ended, and I finally started to feel peace, sometimes even smile, along came the love of my life. Nobody would believe but when I was ten I saw him, and love was all I knew when I gazed upon his face.

For him to smile at me was like the sun rising, and his touch no matter how innocent was like every happiness I had ever known or imagined. There he was before me, asking me out, treating my kids so well, telling me he loved me back. I took it all in and ignored my intuition telling me to watch the pattern. I said I knew and didn't care, for even then I knew he'd hurt me. I knew he didn't really love me, but I loved him. I always had with all my heart and soul.

So I decided I'd go along for the ride, thought i was tough enough to overcome. Hoped with all my heart that I was wrong, that he could love me and that I would be enough to break the pattern of his pain.

We bought a house together and an expensive car. He made promises even he knew he would never keep. I hoped. I loved. I tried to avoid what I felt in my soul. Telling myself it wasn't him it was me. Finding the darkness creeping back in. I prayed again to die, I cried. When I looked in the mirror all I saw was ugliness, pain, loneliness. I said I was ugly, fat, worthless, I hated myself. I pushed all the growth away and said it wasn't him, it was me. I was just not worth loving. Not worthy of care.

When he told me of the other girl he loved instead, the one who was so special he couldn't stand to be with out her, while my heart shattered into a million pieces and he told me I was a bad situation, I saw, but I didn't care. I let it all be me. As the blade of the scissors sliced across my wrist, as he laughed and left to be with her, I cried. I died.

My soul wouldn't have it though. It picked me up and in the darkness said "hold on" I begged, I prayed, I pleaded, but it said "NO" "You my dear, have a purpose here" So I reached out for help, and was told what had happened to my brain. The triggers that had made me feel insane. I am a stronger person than most people know. So I said to myself "He was never right about me, and he won't win this war."

I set out to rewire my brain, Intensive outpatient program it was. They said I was too strong to stay and they knew I wouldn't harm myself again. They diagnosed away, Manic depressive, PTSD, High Anxiety disorder, borderline suicidal disorder. Every time a negative thought entered my brain I pushed it away. I reminded myself that he wouldn't win, he didn't know, he wasn't right. I wouldn't let him say.

The program was to last 12 weeks. They graduated me out after 4. They said if I stayed anymore I would start going backwards taking on everyone else's pain. You see I'm an empath, absorbing others pain. Feeling it all like it was mine, wanting to hug it out of them. Not knowing how to remain my own. I kept with the positive affirmations, accepting myself the way I am. Stepping out of my comfort zone, making myself try new things and not care what others think.

I stopped to rest and drink some cold water, washing my face in the cool refreshing water with the cooler blowing down upon my shoulders. My mind wandered back to the goals I'd made and left at the wayside. My mind was rewired but I was still not making progress.

Deciding to get things finished I went back to my scooping, the wind blowing through my hair. The leaves rustling in the tree above me. Shading me now from the sun. I continued wondering why my life was the way it was. Then suddenly it dawned, intuition ready to lend a hand. I never forgave myself for the past, I expected punishment for hurting the one person who had truly loved me. I was reliving the past over and over, letting the lesson escape me.

I needed to forgive myself for not knowing how to speak for me. It was over and I couldn't go back to change it, but I could move forward, wiser than before. The second husband was only reflecting to me what he felt in himself. Yes, it had harmed me, but he didn't know what he had done. We never realize that we are projecting ourselves onto others. Let it go. No need to keep reliving it, being angry and holding it forever. Forgive him for what he doesn't know and let it go. Move forward with a lesson learned.

My love. Probably the greatest teacher of my life so far. Part of my heart and soul. He pushed me to the depths of despair. He shoved me so hard that I had no choice but to escape the darkness inside. He made me see what I deserved, he helped me love myself for the first time in a very, very, long time. He must have such pain inside himself to see a "bad situation" in every relationship he has ever had.

Yes he is gone, but what greater love than to help someone realize a life worth living. I found myself, my dreams, my hopes. I've learned to trust in myself, to stand on my own two feet and have my own back. I've learned what I deserve and that I am worthy of every good thing this life has to offer. He's opened my eye(s) to a whole new world that I always knew was there but forgot about while hating my beautiful soul.

I've cried, laughed, wondered, tried, failed, fallen, and risen like a badass warrior. All along though, I've relived it over and over. I've felt the pain of my heart shattering, and soul aching for his love. I've dreamed of his eyes full of laughter, as he looked at me with love and longed for his arms around me and his loving touch. I've hurt from it over and over and over. I've punished myself for losing him, but once again lived it over and over endlessly blaming myself instead of learning the lesson and letting it go. It is the past. It's gone. It was merely a lesson, and I've now learned it well. Let it go.

I finished the yard, took a rest with some water, cleaned my patio and took my garbage cans to the curb, full. I decluttered my space a bit and washed the inside windows of my car. Still more to do, but a shower and then made dinner while listening to music, dancing in the kitchen and realizing I was smiling, not a care in the world. For I've finally learned the lesson.

I built a life that protected me, I lived it through. It no longer serves me and the past is gone away. I have learned the lesson. Let it go. Forgive him for again, he doesn't even know. I don't have to stop loving him for he gave me the greatest gift I have ever been given. He gave me, me. Free from the pain, the abuse, the blame. He pushed me to find me, love me, be me.

Epiphany. I wrote it down, asking to be free. I lit candles and meditated and asked help in letting go, cutting the cords that bind me and forgiving myself for the parts I've played in my own pain. I forgive all. I can let it go. I can create a new life that is full of abundance in all things, it is my birthright. I can love myself for the crazy, beautiful, intelligent, strong, loving, kind person that is me. I can move forward without worry, without caring what any one else thinks, because they have not lived my life. They don't know what darkness I have endured. The only person that gets to say anything about what I am, is me, and I am wonderfully love and light.