Maybe That's Okay

I have an insatiable urge to write. I’m not quite sure what yet. Maybe I’ll find out by the time I’m done rambling. I’m not sure how to describe what I’m currently feeling. Maybe scared or nervous or happy or lonely. Maybe I’m not feeling anything. Maybe I’m feeling everything. Maybe that’s okay.

Today is a day where I’m not thinking about who has wronged me. I’m not thinking about the horrors I’ve seen and lived through. I’m not thinking about how to make other people happy. I’m just thinking about myself. Maybe that’s okay.

I have this unshakable feeling today. I’m not sure what it is. It’s driving me to clean and sing. I crave to dance and write. It’s satisfying my appetite for joy. I’m not sure why I’m disobeying orders for my own health. I’m supposed to rest. Major surgery and all. But I’m not angry. Maybe that’s okay.

Watching crime shows with the super cute curly headed nerdy consultant while sitting topless under the air conditioning. A giant purple Contigo filled with super cold water. A giant fuzzy blanket aptly named “Purp” for it’s beautiful deep purple color. Maybe that’s okay.

I have this undeniable concern for myself today. I want to enjoy the silence. Enjoy myself. I want to skip and frolic through my happy space. Explore the boundaries of my comfort zone. Today I want to be sheltered and adventurous. Maybe that’s okay.

Today I’m not concerned about my struggle with my weight. Today I command only myself. Today I am focusing on my mental health. Doing things that I enjoy. Things that will benefit everyone, but no one more than myself. Today I am me. Maybe that’s okay.

A cozy circle chair and the tv all to myself. It’s all so corrigible! Video games and anime. Embroidery and drama shows. Maybe I’ll start Game of Thrones. I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to start it. It’s rare to find such wonder in the silence around me. Maybe that’s okay.

I’ll take a walk! I’ll take the long way, the detour. Enjoy the sun on my neck and the trees in full bloom. Who cares about the noise of the city when the peace of nature is everywhere. It’s scary outside. Strangers and the inability to have personal space. That doesn’t matter today though. Maybe that’s okay.

Today is my day. Not the day of my birth, just a day that is just for me. Maybe I’ll do my makeup, or put my hair up all pretty. Maybe I’ll just let myself look like a caveman today. Unshaven and wild. Maybe I’m happy in my skin today. Maybe I’m perfect for myself today. Maybe I just don’t care. Maybe I’m just having a lazy day. Maybe that’s okay.

The possibilities for this day are endless. Bubble bath? Naps? Cross stitching? Maybe I’ll delve a little more into my psyche. Card and rune readings. Maybe I’ll make an elegant dinner. Improving my cooking skills. I may find a quiet little corner of the house and snuggle myself in with a book. Let's go on an adventure. Today’s possibilities are endless. I can’t possibly get through them all. Maybe that’s okay.

I may not know where today is going, or why things are playing out the way they are. I may not write a book. I may not find myself. I may not talk to anyone. I may not understand the entire meaning of my life or where I am going. I may not understand anything other than my favorite things today. Maybe that’s okay.