Making Non-Judgement a mainstay in my Coziest Place

I love cozy corners you can settle into with a good book. I don't even mind the cleaning and tidying up, most of the time. The feeling you get when a space is cleaned out after spending weeks with it in disarray is like walking outside for a breath of fresh air after a rainstorm... But as wonderful as these outer world moments are, there is still something missing that feels in disarray (even after multiple rounds of cleaning or tidying). This brings me to one of my favorite cozy corners ever whether it's moving or reading...

A yoga mat (but honestly it's not tied to any physical product).

It wasn't until this week actually when I realized what I have been missing in my work on the mat. I used to think yoga was all about the outer shape of the positions I saw people putting themselves into so effortlessly in a yoga class.

Until I started to study the moral and ethical disciplines that are supposed to be embodied by the poses and movements. Cleanliness is one that is only part of what makes my place, cozy. Honesty and non-violence as well as non-attachment to name the yamas (sanskrit for moral disciplines) and niyamas (sanskrit for individual moral disciplines) of Yoga is where this story lives.

While I don't think of myself as a violent person in any physical sense, but I cannot keep ignoring the harm I inflict on myself by being too fixed to a desired outcome and judging whether it's possible or worth it for me to continue the effort or not. Sometimes I wonder if I mustered up the discipline to stack up the hours of practice in working on lessening the number of weaknesses that constantly show themselves through the stiffness I experience on or off the mat... Would it be more useful than spending eight or more hours a day behind a desk or TV? This is one question that keeps me curious and willing to even step on the mat again to tame and remove the beasts of self-doubt and self-harm.

When I realized how much I judged myself under the surface my jaw dropped. How did this habit become so deep rooted in me that it operates almost automatically? That's a monumental question that maybe in 10 years I can answer through practice and reflection. For now, the coziest place I can give myself isn't in any clever interior design but rather is available anytime accessed from within, as long as an effort is made to access it.

One minute on the mat becomes ten minutes or more of experimentation and then, fidgeting with props or questions in my head of why am I so stiff in movements... But it rarely lasts more than ten minutes as I've gotten incredibly good at distracting myself from the inevitable challenge that physical or mental stiffness presents. For instance I might find dust that needs to be swept, after running the vacuum through the area or an item out of place that needs attention but after taken care of, the real challenge remains until I practice compassion and turn violence and judgement of myself into non-violence and non-judgement.

Apparently when I was a kid I developed a habit of needing to touch and fidget regularly. Further it developed into a need and a kind of love for putting items into other items from large storage bins to jewelry inside of little hand stitched pouches. Eventually it led to an insane collection of miscellaneous sentimental-like stuff in my environment. That I usually managed to keep tidy enough. But over time and self-study in the practice of yoga, the cycle of fidgeting and collecting became way, way less!

When I broke the cycle by wanting and loving what I had inside more than collecting and keeping stuff in more and more shelves and boxes... Suddenly it became clear. That what has been under my nose the whole time - a combination of effort and freedom from physical stiffness by working towards precise inner actions. This is more valuable than anything money could buy. It takes time, consistent effort in the right direction, and a ton of patience!

Slowly I am letting go of what isn't serving me starting within. All the doubt, fear, or judgements of what I think it should look like or what I should be doing right now that entangles me in a bind start to loosen the grip and release as I continue with the next right action that I've learned from countless, extremely helpful Iyengar Yoga classes and trainings. A special thanks to B.K.S. Iyengar and all of the Certified Iyengar Yoga Teachers who graciously share their time and compassion to help me and a whole community experience greater inner feelings of peace and joy apart from any physical, worldly object or accomplishment.

Regardless of whether my pose looks like others I used to watch effortlessly flow from one position to another or a cover of Yoga Journal is hardly the goal. For me, someone who inspires me tremendously in my practice actually doesn't look like most of the yoga bodies that have made yoga trendy in the west. His name is Matthew Sanford and in his 2006 book, Waking he talks about how he came to yoga years after a horrific car accident left him paralyzed from the waist down and how he discovered life within a paralyzed body where most forget or don't look. On pages 166-167 of the book he describes the experience of sitting on the ground with his paralyzed legs spread out in a V-shape for the first time since he was 13...

"The spasticity in my legs resists, but eventually they spread and stay put. I am hit by a rush of something, something feels strange, something...'Matt, can you put your hands on your thighs, lift your chest, and breathe?' The rush intensifies. I feel something like I am floating - no flying..."

...as something lost for years suddenly reclaimed and the beginning of a student-teacher yoga practice and climb to the highest self-realization. Like something that,

"had been waiting in the silence, waiting for me to let them back into my conscious experience. Consciousness does not abandon us. It is only denied." (pg 168)

I put this in because it describes a part of my experience everytime I sit and take my legs wide on the ground, or move with precision and intention. While I am not considered paralyzed physically, sometimes I feel like it is the way my body has become set in habits that just promote further weakness and forms of violence towards who I am and the potential within. Which is why I've sort of become obsessed with making it a regular position, movement, and action that I practice on the mat and off in office working environments that have become a mainstay in today's society.

Getting this story out of my head and into words I hope helps inspire someone else who feels stiff or slow to progress on the mat besides myself to keep with it.

In conclusion, the visions I put on my board in the last story are like my ideal cozy corner, a tranquil place that is available no matter what environment or place in life I am in.

Thank you for sharing a moment together.