Make Someone Happy

There are three pieces of "media" that make me happy to view. I am a very solitary person so this current time of quarantine doesn't really change my ways or lifestyle very much. For the most part, I spend my days alone in my home writing or surfing the internet or thinking of some artistic, creative project to enjoy myself with like playing the piano, sewing a n0-sew skirt, or sketching a drawing of something in my mind. These activities may seem insignificant. They are not going to pay my bills or buy me a new car. They won't cure my illnesses or free me from my debts. They probably even won't get noticed or liked by anyone unless I give them as a gift to someone. I do it anyway, because it gives me joy and peace in life. I need joy and peace. They are so very important to me as I near my 49th birthday and realize that my glory days and my youth is really over. I have to look at myself and my life and see what I've done to myself. It's not always a pretty picture to me. Sometimes I'm quite ashamed of myself. I've made many mistakes. I also stood up for people and tried to stand up for "what's right" whatever that means. I am not the "winner" in life. I didn't end up with the big house and a bunch of cool toys to impress the rich neighbors. I'm just lucky to be alive, truth be told. Still, I have a few things that warm my heart being in my possession, and some of them are connected to media: a photograph of me in my wedding dress, a video of my son, and the website Pinterest. These three bits of media bring me joy and hope and comfort when I'm lonely and lost and really not sure who I am or what to do anymore. Have you ever felt that way? Wondering why you woke up this morning? If you haven't, consider yourself blessed. If you have, then you know how hard it is to face the day when you wake up feeling that way. The question of just being seems to haunt you through the whole day. When that happens, I like to watch one of my son's videos and remember that he loves me, and I love him, and even though I wasn't a very good mother, I did the best I could, and just knowing that he turned out to be a beautiful, strong, and loving young man means that just by bringing him into this world, just by creating one life, I did at least one thing that mattered.

I also like to look at the photograph of me in my wedding dress. I remember when I was teaching, a student looked at me and asked, "You're married?" as if it was shocking. I suppose the insinuation was that I was too mean or too ugly to have or keep a husband. Maybe the student was right. I've been separated for over two years now. Still, seeing myself in that beautiful gown, I have a memory of proof. That even though it took 40 years for this Cinderella or Snow White to have her moment, I did indeed have my moment. I was indeed a wife. I did indeed have a husband. I was indeed married. If I stay single for the rest of my years, at least I can look at the photograph and smile and say, a dream did come true. It may not have lasted forever, but at least I got a piece of it.

Finally, I should mention how much joy I get out of surfing the internet. I love clothes and fashion and decorating and shopping. I have a rich woman's taste with a poor woman's pocketbook. So the internet allows someone like me to pretend that I'm rich and window shop and look at all the things I would buy or have if I had been wise with money, or if I had been smart enough to make enough so that I could shop the way I'd love to. Or if I had been born a millionaire. Something like that. The internet is a great place to fantasize. Pinterest really helps me with this. Instead of a doll house, I have a board where I decorate my dream home the way I'd have it if I could. Instead of feeling bad that I can't go shopping at the mall, I have a board that can be like my frivolous shopping spree closet where all the things I want but don't need can be displayed. When I miss all the old scrap books and photo albums that I've lost along the years, I create a board and make a new one. Pinterest gives back to me what I never had, or what I had and lost. Even if it's just a cyber fantasy.

So I hope I have shared with you some ways to find joy in a panicked world, and in a time when socializing in person may not be the best idea. In a time when we should be grateful that the internet is still up and running. Enjoy the media that is sentimental to you, and don't let the other forms of media corrupt or polute your heart or your mind.