Love, Adventure, & Breaking Up

"I feel most authentically myself when I'm alone with just my thoughts, a journal, and a pen. When I feel such clarity, I know who I am and what I am made for. I was made for LOVE and ADVENTURE, and a life without both of those just isn't the life for me." -Author

Last night, my boyfriend and I broke up.

After being away on a trip, I had returned home and invited him over for a family dinner that I'd spent over three hours preparing. It was delicious! While I was gone, he'd let me know that there were some questions he wanted to ask me when I got back from my trip. While I was away, I encouraged him to think about what he wanted in life, what his dreams were, and if he could see himself adventuring with our future family and me. Afterall, things had been becoming more serious between us, and he'd frequently been bringing up marriage, children, and us spending the rest of our lives together.

So, after dinner cuddling next to him, watching Youtube videos, I asked what his questions were. Immediately his head dipped really low, and he let out a huge sigh. "What is it, I asked?" As I began to run my fingers through his hair and give him a head rub which was one of his favorite things. He suggested we go somewhere to talk. As we moved to a quiet place in the house to talk away from my loud and energetic family, I could feel my anxiety beginning to rise. What was he going to ask me? Why was he acting this way?

"Are you willing to give up your dream of traveling for the rest of your life?"

THIS WAS HIS QUESTION...my heart sank. I am an adventurer, a free spirit, a wanderer, I LOVE visiting new places, meeting new people, and I wanted desperately to share that with him!

A week prior, when we were talking about the future, I asked if he would be interested in taking three trips next year to visit places in the U.S. we'd like to go. I have always loved traveling and have an adventurous heart. This world is so beautiful, and I desire to see as much of God's beautiful creation as I can and raise my kids, not just reading about the declaration of independence but going to actually see it! At first, he couldn't see himself traveling with me, then changed his mind and said he would like to give it a try. I then asked him if he could go anywhere in the U.S. on vacation for a week where he'd like to go, he said Yellowstone. So, we began planning our trip, and he was excited. He even started telling me about other places he'd like to go and at what times of the year. I was utterly dumbfounded that so much had changed in such a short span of time.

"You know how much I love to travel. And we have already planned our first trip. Why are you changing your mind now? I can afford to pay for the entire trip if it's money. Aren't you willing to just try one trip and see?"

"No, I have no desire to ever go anywhere; I'm comfortable where I am."

There was that word...COMFORTABLE. A word I'd grown to loathe and despise over the past few years of my life. Long ago, I chose to live a life of greatness, not comfort, to do things every day that scares me, and to make sure if I ever felt "comfortable" to toss myself into the wilderness of discomfort so that I would force myself to heal and to grow.

You see, you have to have something to look forward to in life. I'm not the kind of person who can just wake up every day, go to work 9-5 Monday through Friday, and only go on day trips on the weekends. He wasn't just asking me to give up traveling; he was asking me to give up a part of who I am. The part of me that makes me, me!

He explained how he wanted to finish building his house that is right next to his mom's and brothers live there for the rest of his life and raise his family. Never traveling, never doing anthing different or leaving that 100 mile radius.

He was asking me to give up all of my dreams. Either I fit into his comfort bubble, or we weren't going to work. And yet, he wasn't even willing to be open to trying even one trip with me.

In short, my boyfriend loved his comfort and wasn't open to building a new life and dreaming with me, so I let him go. I had asked him to think long and hard about what he wanted for his life since up till that point he really hadn't, and in the end, I respected that he knew himself well enough to know that he wasn't open to any kind of change. I know it was the right thing to do, and I never once was angry or begged him to stay in the conversation. Perhaps I seemed a bit stoic, but ultimately, I felt strength and peace. I wanted to make it work; I wanted to share my life with him and thought he could've been my future husband, but as my mom said,

"we have free will, and sometimes even though the most amazing opportunity is in front of us we say no and stay in our comfort zone."

My heart hurts; I have lost more than a man I was falling in love with, but also a friend. There hasn't been a single day in over seven months we haven't at least called each other and shared our day, funny moments, struggles, and helped bring joy into one another's lives. I TRULY gave this relationship my all and did it the right way. I never played any games and was completely 100% my most authentic self. I saw him as a friend and brother in Christ before anything else. We never even kissed! LOL I took my time, I got to know someone, I was vulnerable, I let him see every part of my heart, the healed and the scared I was open to a life with him but not at the cost of myself. As they say to compromise it takes two. One person cannot be so set in their ways that they just sit frustrated hoping that someday the other will change and cave. We must dream together, be open to new things, conquer our fears and GET OUT of our comfort zones.

I feel most authentically myself when I'm alone with just my thoughts, a journal, and a pen. In those moments when I feel such clarity, I know who I am and what I am made for. I was made for LOVE and ADVENTURE, and a life without both of those just isn't the life for me. I have hope that that adventure partner is out there and will wait patiently until we meet :)