Loud As Thunder

Here we go again, it's the game we love. My eyes are pretty heavy from he weight on my heart, yet I have no tears left as I let out a silent cry earlier. Listening to one of my favorite artist's, Jhene Aiko "Speak" and it was like a dagger shot through my chest straight into my very soul that's been aching. Some would call it an "inner cry", which I like that description quite frankly. It's as if the well has ran dry and the blood coursing through my veins came to an halt. Sounds depressing right? It's suppose to when you suddenly come to realize how mummified heart is still fragile.

I'm disappointed that it has taken a bit of time to say these words. Sometimes we think we are alright until we're reminded that we aren't, and for me it happens frequently. I don't know why I'm so hard headed, but it feels like a jungle sometimes and makes me wonder how I keep from going under when it comes to love. That four letter word, in the form of an soft beating heart, is such an precious organ and becomes like glass when it's broken. Personally, mine has broke before, but this time it's different and will always be different depending on the occasion. Heartbreak is never planned, it just happens out of nowhere, and I'll honestly say (no offense), sometimes we get hints leading towards heartbreak to soften the fall or evade it...but this is where that hard-headedness comes in that I just mentioned. I wish I could insert an emoji pointing up, perfect moment eh? Hopefully that made you grin some, I did because overall this isn't suppose to be a sad mopey memoir. Now if your still following, our hearts can become decayed when being partially broken and constantly re-wrapped with false statements, mind altering shows of affection with an insidious agenda. I think by providing this visual, some may not want to even experience love or even dare to think about what I just said and shit. I don't blame you, it can be scary if you already feel alone and hopeless.

Now let me tell you another personal insight. For a quick minute, I thought (because love is still a beautiful thing and hearts do break yunno), I thought that if the love for someone fails that that'd be it. It's something we've been forced to accept in life. For me, I was unfortunately wrong this time around. I wondered after awhile about something very strange cause it was a new thought process for me, plus I read someone else's submission on Vocal+ and being an human being as we all are, I had to consider it. Was I drawn to toxic relationships? Was I drawn to the chaos and craziness? Or is it just my failed experience at my first real relationship? In another world self loathing I'd say all the above, but this is earth and I know better than that as you should too (unless you truly feel or have felt like this)! Sometimes we do, and I just realized this time it wasn't like that for me at all. It's all about accepting the possibility of many things before you have all your personal details together. Rule number one: NEVER self diagnose yourself when it comes to what your problem is, We do that enough on Google with our health issues Lol. So listen to me okay, because loyalty is an very important factor in love for me and disloyalty hurts to the core inside the heart as it's breaking like glass. I feel this is my testimony to the what I'm enduring presently and this time around, I'm out of plastic to wrap this scarred heart, that's still capable of ripping through.

Let's take it a little deeper, I promise it won't be long. I just need people to realize their worth faster than I have as I type. Don't be afraid to fall or give someone your all, cause I was and still had been through loves raging fire of lust and bitter tender kisses. Just pay attention to the signs. Don't allow yourself to be a fool for anyone, you don't want to be me currently. It doesn't feel good struggling to wake up every morning, dragging to start or finish your daily routines. Shrouded by an hovering cloud of guilt, resentment, and pain that you can't shake off. A battle of stopping the re-run of what hurt you so deeply versus wanting to relive it cause it's the only way you'll keep your head above the sea of uncertainty so you don't drown.. I want answer's, yet I already have them. Have had them more than once that I've had too much hope to accept. I'm completely paranoid by the silence of what I feel I need to hear from someone else, as if I'm waiting and I question what I'm waiting for more than once. This is the lowest I've felt while trying to find more of myself through life's puzzle, living in someone's shadow. So I say this with whats left of my heart with care, take care of yours. You only get one, just like our lives cause as for me, It's never too late to start fixing mine. However, currently all I have is shattered glass with pieces of plastic hanging off of it. I'll never love again. And that's a choice.