Good morning, evening and night to whoever is reading this right now.
Good morning! It's 10:51am and I'm feeling slightly better. I'm unsure how long it's going to last, but the weather started off nice and cool as I sip on my medicine ball (ginger tea w/lemon) while on the porch. Not to assume, but since my previous story I wanted to unravel some of the things I spoke on so you don't think I'm crazy, even though we're all a little mad here! (catch the Alice In Wonderland reference lol). On a serious note, when you've been through all that I've been through, sometimes you do need others to be there and strong for you. We all have breaking points, and unfortunately mine had to be within an relationship/situationship. I don't know if I can forgive myself for what the way I've hurt myself, but I know I have to in order to move forward. So that's a work in progress. This is all that's flowing through my mind today, but least I'm still breathing.
Here we go again, it's the game we love. My eyes are pretty heavy from he weight on my heart, yet I have no tears left as I let out a silent cry earlier. Listening to one of my favorite artist's, Jhene Aiko "Speak" and it was like a dagger shot through my chest straight into my very soul that's been aching. Some would call it an "inner cry", which I like that description quite frankly. It's as if the well has ran dry and the blood coursing through my veins came to an halt. Sounds depressing right? It's suppose to when you suddenly come to realize how mummified heart is still fragile.
So, I won't lie. It almost felt like my bed, as I struggled just now to get up (groggy to say the least) and type these letters from the couch. I mean my life could really be a movie, most ties I feel it is given what I've been through, but I try not to make mines seem better or worse because we all have our own story. However, we can get into that later, this is merely based on the present and presently mental health is being challenged everyday of our lives given the circumstances. I'm not only speaking on "COVID-19", but just the fact that we are a little MAD here or crazy (as I like to believe). Just don't quote me, but we all are human. Faults and all. I've come to find recently and personally, I let my past show up in ways it shouldn't (see, I'm growing) and I'm learning from that. Especially being single and in an relationship at the same time. I know I know, don't judge me, but it really is confusing as it sounds. While you may have your own opinion, I know I can't be the only one! It's hard just like life, but my question to you is, are you taking care of yourself? Are you ensuring that your focusing on yourself enough to leave people and thing alone that no longer promote your growth or make you happy? Life is hard enough so give yourself a break and don't take NO for an answer, simply cause the life you yearn for is awaiting. When you wait on others in any given circumstances, you never know what opportunities your missing out on or blessings that have passed you by cause of one small decision or step. I'd be lying if I said it's gonna be easy cause it's not, but you can do it. I did, time before which I often forget and that's what fucks me up at times, but I can believe in you more than I can myself at times and that should speak volumes. You only have one life, don't let it pass you by. You find that strength and courage from within, talk or pray to whatever it/who you believe in and you GO. Wherever your heart leads you. Sometimes we have to reflect on not only the good, but the bad too just to remember what we did before in similar situations so we recognize the reality. No pressure at all cause we all move at our own pace, just don't wait too long to do for you as I have. My prayers are with you, be an example for the future cause it's YOUR life and nobody else's. Talk to you soon, and then we can get a little bit more nosey, gotta laugh to keep from crying right!