Losing 100 Pounds

One of the biggest changes I have had to make during the past 15 months of this weight loss journey is to recognize and acknowledge the lies I’ve been telling myself. Decades of lies, omissions, and mental garbage have been holding me back from my own success.

I can’t do this. I don’t have enough willpower.

What does that even mean? Of course I can eat healthy, make better choices and become more active. Those are all choices that I am in total control over. Telling myself that I can’t do it or that I have no willpower does nothing but give me a flimsy excuse for not even trying. Part of the problem with these lies, for me, is that I try to look too far ahead. Starting at over 280lbs and looking straight for the finish line immediately is not going to do anything but scare me, frustrate me, and lead me to excusing my own behaviours. I had to flip my thinking around to acknowledge that I can do this and I am the only person that is in control of what I choose to eat. No one pushed me into the pantry and shoved my face into a bag of chips. No one put a curse on me to take away my willpower. I am in control of this and I absolutely can make healthier choices for myself. Another key for me to remember is that no one is perfect, and just because I ate two pieces of cake instead of one, does not mean I am doomed to failure. I ate cake. Write it down, and move on. An extra piece of cake at a special event is not going to make me gain my 80lb loss back, but my attitude and giving up will!

But I was perfect all week. I don’t understand what happened.

First of all, it’s very unlikely I was “perfect”. Perfect portions of foods? Perfect balance of foods? Perfect amount of activity each day? Perfect ounces of water and hours of sleep? Really? Most of the time I said this to myself or to someone else, there was a little imp in the corner of my brain that whispered “No you weren’t, you snuck a handful of cookies and chocolate chips on Tuesday, and bought a breakfast burger on the way to work on Thursday and didn’t track it, plus you ate your regular breakfast and lunch, and you totally did not drink 8 cups of water on at least three of those days.” These are lies I regularly told myself for decades. Alone, each of those little incidents is not going to derail me, but if I didn’t acknowledge them, take note of them as food intake and alter my other choices around them, they do add up over time. I will either remain in limbo and not lose much anymore, or start my gradual regain like I have repeatedly in the past. No one is “perfect”. Own it and live it.

I can’t afford to join a gym, so what’s the point?

It might also be “I can’t work on losing weight right now because I don’t have time to join a gym”. I have lost over 80lbs so far and I have not joined a gym. I do not own super expensive exercise equipment (I have an exercise bike that was around $200CAD, and I have hand weights, resistance bands, and a kettle bell from the dollar store). The vast majority of my weight loss to-date has been from changing my food intake and from walking. It is not from doing five aerobics classes per week, a spin class, Zumba, or 5:00am runs. I walk my dog for up to an hour. That’s the largest part of my daily activity. Everything has to work in tandem, because I walked my dog before I started losing my excess weight and that did not keep me from hitting almost 300lbs. But it’s important to understand that a person can lose a significant amount of weight without exhausting themselves with an extreme weight loss program. Remember those reality tv shows? I think they ended up teaching some of us all the wrong things to expect. I am not going to be dragging tractor tires around and risk having another heart attack! I want to lose weight in a manner that my aging and slightly-damaged body can sustain. Walking and cycling with occasional light weights and resistance bands led me where I am today. Now I do go for longer walks and I have started short bursts of jogging on my 5-10km treks, but it is all a reasonable amount and I have only increased it because I feel good and I want to. I went to a gym once in the past 15 months but all I did was walk the track and use an exercise bike! Go figure!

I can’t eat sweets or breads any more.

Let me get this straight - you are seriously not going to eat a piece of cake, drink a glass of alcohol, or eat a roll ever again, for the rest of your life? I told myself that lie countless times in the past. I dabbled with a low carb plan after being told I was a carbohydrate addict and that I would never lose weight until I severely lowered my carb intake (4grams max at two meals per day). I lost weight quickly, of course, but I was miserable. I would binge simple carbs like chips and crackers when no one was around, and then the self-loathing would creep in. Thoughts of failure, feeling defeated before I even fully started, having a difficult time figuring out how to eat when invited out by friends and family (notice I said HOW, not “what” to eat), and despair over punishing myself by deprivation took over my every thought. That is no way to live. I respect that there are dietary restrictions for a lot of people, such a Celiac’s disease and diabetes, but for the majority of people those are not health issues we have to deal with or work around. For most people, it is just a choice, not a medical necessity. So this section is for them, people like me who are choosing what to eat based on our own lifestyle and health. I learned the hard way that I do not need to restrict my intake of simple or starchy carbs such as breads. I vowed never to do that again, and so far I have eaten bread daily and still lost 80lbs in 15 months. I ate cookies and crackers, bread, biscuits, and buns, breaded chicken burgers, cupcakes, donuts, and more. But I ate them more mindfully. I kept track of them in my apps or journals and I worked other meals and snacks around those choices. I watched my portions, such as choosing to have half of a Boston Cream donut at work one day because a half tastes the same as a whole one, and it reduced my overall calorie intake for the day. I am learning to balance. Instead of two slices of bread with breakfast, I have one. I do not feel deprived at all and I realized that “two slices of bread” was just a habit. But I love it, I bake it, and I am going to work it into my food choices in support of a life long healthy eating pattern. And I will have cake too!

I am too old to lose weight.

I have told myself this so many times. I am nearing age 50 and I think my brain was still stuck in teenage mode, where you think 50 year olds are ancient relics. I may not be able to do everything I did when I was 20, but being 50 is far from being ancient. The majority of people I see out running, walking and biking are over age 40. I saw a dozen kayakers on the river yesterday and most were over 40, if not all. I have met several men and women over the age of 60 that are losing weight and being more active. I met a few over the age of 80 too! Our family friend was still going for daily walks when she was 95 years old! Maybe my flexibility and stamina isn’t what it used to be, but I can certainly move around and add more activity to my life. I think of it as physiotherapy. It is essential for my health.

During my weight loss journey, I am learning to recognize the mental garbage I try to pawn off on myself, and replace it with realistic words. I am learning that even if I don’t track a binge food, my body still knows I ate it -so why hide it? I’m not fooling my body. I am learning to treat food mainly for it’s nutritious contribution to my body, while also leaving room for indulgent pleasurable food on special occasions or fun reasons. I am learning not to be afraid of food but instead to be aware of my overall intake each day and not give up. But mainly I am learning not to lie to myself about the amount of food I was eating for the past 30 years. It was not okay, it was unsafe, and I deserved to finally give myself a chance at real health.