Lifes Going Nowhere

The worst kind of heartbreaks in life are the ones that will not leave you alone. My biggest regret is how I chose to manage my time in the past. I find that I have been given every possible oppurtunity to enjoy life only to suffer further. My descions have led me to conclude that the way I chose to live before was incorrect and that I need to make the necessary changes in order to salvage and rebuild another life in this plane of existence.

I am blessed to have had make it this far. I should have had death befallen me on numerous occasions so I truly believe that I have some kind of purpose to still be alive. I question my existence everyday, trying to find where I fit in. Many times I have felt lost, hopelessly floating adrift seeking my way to find direction.

Through it all, I believe that I am maintaining a positive attitude as well as outlook despite accepting and succumbing to life on lifes terms. I had to admit I was powerless and that my life had become unmanagable. I had to search within myself where I could put together a moral inventory of myself without fear out the outcome.

So, towards the end of 2019 I found myself maintaining sobriety in this halfway house situation. I know why I asked to be here. I may not always like it but it is where I need to be right now.

Upon my discharge, I will have been here for over six months. During this time, I have been privvy and have had been witness to many of the dynamics that take place in this kind of environment. It is in a sense more of a theraputic community where the general idea would be addicts helping addicts. Everyone would bring to the table what they could offer and share in an effort to pay it foreword.

I came into this program a broken human being. I not only hurt but U had unknowingly hurt others as well. After my relationship had come to a horrible tragic and sudden end (she had died of a drug overdose), I had become totally lost and disallusioned with how to go on to continue to live my life. Life was going nowhere. It was time to ask for somebody to help me.

Now with covid-19 going on, which by the way, I believe that the powers that be know more than what they are choosing to let the general public in on. I find it odd that many multiple events are coinciding at the exact same time such as the Census, the November elections this year, many services being offered online, the buying of gold by world governments, and this virus.

Even at this halfway house, shit feels like it might not be going anywhere. I am the last remaining guy that has been here the longest. Throughout the duration of my stay, I have witnessed people come and go as which is the revolving door that this place has come to be known. I have picked up on certain patterns that have developed to the individuals who have left in a emotional frame of mind rather than with logic.

It is the time I have spent here at this recovery facility that has facilitated an expenantial growth in my sobriety experience. I had made the decsion to go and continue to stay on this path where it was promised me but not garunteed that it could only get better. I chose to stay busy, to stay positive, to laugh with and without others, because after all as long as I am alive I am as much in this as everyone else and I hope to come out if it better than how I came in.

When eventually I will find myself at the end of the road, I only hope to have gained the substance in which I have been lacking in before in my life. The time we exist on this plain of being called life is short. If this is preparartion for what is to come next, it would be foolish to not take advantage. You do not want to find yourself trapped in a closet with three flashlights thinking that you are lost hopelessly looking for a way out.