Life Changes

A long journey home tonight my mind is heavy and weary. I’m finding it hard to see too clearly. I feel my hands gripping the wheel tensely as all these thoughts run quickly through my mind. Fear of not getting to say good bye to my mother was the main thought in particular, as I got a message she had another stroke. It was then I truly awoke .

I ran the nightly run from NY to Detroit MI crossing through Canada which usually took about 10 hours if no delays which was hardly ever with that Ambassador Bridge ! I was already to Detroit when I had gotten the message . Mostly I prayed to get back fast, I just have to see her before she passes. It was already a long week the guy I had been seeing on and off for almost 10 years we just weren’t in a good place anymore and had began phasing out. So much on my mind, I’m just sad and starting to space out. The longest night of my life. Racing a clock racing to get to my mom, racing thoughts hoping I won’t be too late , worrying to death about her condition , wondering what type of damage this one has done . I never had a night like this my heart is just a mess . I fear I’m heading back to my heart being totally crushed in so many ways it’s not even funny. I won’t cry though, not much I can do, just have to keep on keeping on , not everyday will be sunny. Think positive I say, maybe it will be like the last heart attack it wasn’t so bad. Maybe I’m just emotional and overthinking everything and making myself sad . Everything will be fine with Will and I also. Stop worrying, I just need to calm down . I finally get back and go see my mom, my heart is panicked with so much worry . I don’t think I was even aware at first just how bad she really was. I was happy she was alive and breathing that was what I had hoped for. Im exhausted my mind ran more miles than this big rig . So much to process thank goodness she’s stable. Get a quick nap in while I wait for more news from the doctors . She wasn’t in the greatest shape and didn’t take very good care of herself, which is why she was staying with my Aunt. Ultimately we knew her time was drawing near, her last birthday party it became so evidently clear to us. It’s a miracle she survived 2 heart attacks I’m thinking but not really thinking just so tired. Rest I need rest I’m so very tired. I just need somehow to rest, but I’m still so very wired. I go back to the hospital to meet my sisters with the Doctors, this is when everything starts sinking in. It’s worse than I could’ve ever imagined, the quality of life she is left with doesn’t seem right. I try so hard to fighting back all the tears. What a very long and crazy night .

My mom was a heavy Christian, always talked about meeting her maker whole and loved her Bible. Never really understood many things about her especially the Religious side of her or what it meant until this very second. Suddenly allot of things she said started making sense. I need some air as I process what this Doctor is saying ! There’s a garden I’ll go sneak off for a minute to collect my thoughts. I call Will I’m crushed and he is just cold and not very nice at all, the tone of his voice smooth and slick and it made me absolutely sick . My heart sinks even lower. This is it I think. You know when it’s just over. This is the moment I finally just sink into my emotions and let them flow, my mom was going to be leaving me and I had to say good bye to Will as well. It just seemed so hopeless and there was nothing I could do to change any of it. I feel so helpless to all that’s happening right now. The world seems so cruel like a harsh punishment at times. I think for a moment. Everything just seems so unfair how life dumps on you all at once. I guess sometimes this is just how it goes. My mother’s condition wasn’t going to improve she had to go into Hospice. I guess looking back, it’s kind of beautiful or as beautiful as one can expect, situations like these well they just plain stink. Nothing easy about either. One by one daughters, sisters, brothers, grand kids, all came to see her go, it’s really how anyone would want it to be under cicumstances like this. I Guess... oh I suppose...but inside I’m still screaming NO! I’m just not ready to let either of them go. I guess be grateful im getting that chance to say good bye to a person whose dear to me. Even without speaking or saying a word, Its a tender time that is limited and not always granted. Each night my sisters took turns staying with her , it was finally my night to stay, but she is worsening. My sister said “she’s not going to make it even one more night” . She gave her a cross and I brought her a Bible. I remember holding her hand as she looked up like she was relieved and I just knew she was ready, she took her last soft breath as I watched her pass. Moments like this you never forget. It’s hard to say exactly how I felt In this moment, I’m overwhelmed with so much emotion, I can’t even think straight, I don’t think it has even registered in my mind yet. Just sadness I feel like I’m left with. It’s storming outside like my emotions on the inside, I’m trying to be strong and not show just how truly weak and vulnerable I am feeling. I remember saying” she’s in Gods hands now”, as we walked out with her body to the hurse as we hummed a nice hym to a pretty song that they had played for us. We looked up and there was a rainbow directly above the Hospice Center my sister and I both looked at each other in amazement , we didn’t even notice that it had stopped raining and there it was. We both smiled and hugged each other as if somehow we knew she was going to be ok. We took pictures of the moment, nobody would believe this otherwise. It was as if the sky was welcoming her and letting us know she was in good hands. Only in heaven could she be restored among her people that she so much adored .

The days ahead are busy with planning, the first week you don’t really get to process all that grief , you survive the deeds that follow a loved ones death the best as you can. Caffein and sleep deprivation seem to go hand in hand . Then it hits you! It hits you when your driving in your car, it hits you when your laying in your bed trying to sleep at night, it hits you when a certain song comes on the radio, everything is a reminder , still though it hasn’t sunken totally in that she is gone. I grieved alone for awhile , then a longer while , now a year passes it hits you even more because now you completely miss her and feel the emptiness that void everywhere that her presence once filled. So badly I want to talk to her and just hear her voice. I miss her so much, but still she is gone. My heart just numbed for a bit. I haven’t talked to Will since that day in the garden, as if we had reached some kind of discrete resolution. Yet Here he is again! like a over played recording, here he is again trying to coherse me back with his well rehearsed lines and dishonest ways. I guess feeling lost I start toying with how good it felt just hearing his voice again after all, I’ve been in such a deep depression and feeling lost and alone since my mom died and the relationship had ended . We talked and chatted all week about going to his cabin for the weekend a cozy get away sounds really good right about now. We’ll talk and try to hash things out, see exactly how this pans out. The funny thing is , all week long I had been having odd occurances with these birds . Birds just seem to be drawn to me and have been crashing into my truck. Happened 3 times this week and can’t just be more bad luck. Finally it’s Friday after work , we are driving down to the cabin now I am starting to have doubts in my mind about spending the weekend with him, I start telling him about the odd occurances with the birds crashing into my truck, he knows I’m kind of superstitious about some things like this. Just as I finish saying it a bird crashed into the grill on his truck. No way ! He looks over at me and says “how crazy is that you literally just got done saying it and then it happens just like that”. I noticed allot about Will that weekend, things I seemed to be blissfully unaware of before . Like suddenly he wasn’t so cool, he wasn’t so handsome, in fact he is just ugly and transparent in every way. Now I regret coming here with him and what else can I say. What have I done ? he left me in such a horrible way he’ll surely do it again I thought. This coward I’m “screaming but only in my head” . I don’t forgive you, how could I forgive you ??? Not that he’s even asked, he would never dare. These were the thoughts running through my mind while looking at him as he’s standing next to the fire. All I felt for him was turning to bitter hate, he left me alone in my fragile state. I start thinking those birds were my warning signs not to go back, It’s all making perfect sense now. Finally something just clicked! It was a cold bittersweet weekend to say the least, as every little thing about him just irritated my very soul. Finally and not a moment sooner, we headed back to our separate homes and separate little lives and then it was truly over . There was no good bye. We stopped communicating after that, as I found myself wanting nothing more to do with him. Out of sight out of mind worked out so well. My mother knew me oh to well , how deeply I loved and that I have a habit of overstaying in destructive relationships, but this one had finally taken its toll on me. I don’t think there is one feeling that describes a narcissistic relationship. They leave you feeling so worthless and empty. I finally woke up and had just about enough of it. All the lies and double lives he just constantly denies, all the while scandalously scheming and for no good reason. I’m seeing so much clearer than ever before. He stands by the fire and I’m suddenly aware of so many things. Everything makes sense , one by one all the pieces just started falling into place. His mask fell off and I see his true face. Like a light, the switch turned on in my head but off in my heart. So much hurt 10 years I made him my world while he slowly destroyed me and mine. Finally I’m completely drained mentally as well as physically . I just feel like a hollowed out shell. Who knew this life can be this unkind and unbelievably cold. Like a warn out recording that’s just faded and old. In that moment I stopped needing validation of his wicked little ways and wrongful deceit , im over this now and I’m certainly not going to repeat this.

Remembering back constantly begging to be released from this spell or curse it felt like I was under when ever I was with him , he kept me down for all this time. I lost some of my best years I thought. I never knew a person could make you entirely sad to be with and even more sadder to be without . One thing is for certain, there’s no going back this time. I can’t unsee or unknow what I do now. I just want him to go, move along and be gone. All that I thought turned out to be nothing at all. One day it just happens, that blinder falls off , that person you thought was so wonderful, turns out to be nothing at all. I feel nothing, nothing at all, like a flame that just dies or an abruptly ended song that just turns off . I keep thinking about the birds and the warnings I ignored all this time . As I sank into a regretful fit stuck alone with this pit in my stomach. I’m surprised but somehow I just laugh and laugh . I read on about “having to make you uncomfortable or you’d never move”. Now your the nothing that’s weighed me down, good riddance to you, that awful clown . What’s funnier is reading quotes about your mothers prayers that are still protecting you and going back to something you prayed your way out of. I questioned things for a while and sometimes in anger I found myself shouting and constantly doubting . I think finally I understand now as it all just seems to hit me . All that praying and faith she carried was for us . All her prayers were about us , her prayers were for our protection ...her children. I absolutely know she’s still here with me and these are subtle signs that give me comfort when I’m struggling with something on my mind or stuck with a heavy heart. My life changed when she died, in a sense various parts of me died along with her. I gaze out the window and it’s like a hallmark picture. It’s lightly snowing and all the noise fades, the trees glistened as they stood still and were beautifully frosted. I think my heart had reached its overflow capacity with sorrow and could finally bare no more. It was then I realized I’m meant for so much more, and finding more layers of myself that need pruning perhaps this is where I start giving myself that much needed tune up. That’s it I think I want a knew life one without all this negativeity which was truly a downer. It’s time for some changes around here starting with me. Now I’m completely shedding all of my skin, molting and changing I’m constantly thinned. life changes you see they aren’t always bad . Remembering back what really I had or didn’t really have. Someone’s prayers are keeping most of us safe, just like a human wrathe. Life Changes are difficult and sometimes necessary I see. Sometimes you have to lose in the physical order to win in the spiritual scheme. I have to stay focused on what’s truly important which right now is me. Healing and releasing is a crucial time another part of this process. They say you keep repeating the same mistakes until you learn from it. I think it just finally sunk in. When I needed him most, he chose to be cruel and ultimately choked. Some life lessons bring blessings and others get turned into blessings. This is my attitude now and my validation things are going to turn out ok no matter what happens. In my time of solemness I found a peace of my mom that stayed with me. That last crumb of hope that I clung to in my mind, for no doubt we are all living on borrowed prayers. This is it, this is the life change that ultimately changed me. Eyes wide open and I’m seeing some people for who they really are, not letting things consume me really is hard. Take a deep breath and take it all in, life goes on and this is where I start to win. A somber victory to say the least. I’m no longer chasing things not meant for me. Hey what do you know? This change was good. I’m free from all that sadness. I’m filled with content knowing that this was one of those tragedies that turned into blessings. now that I’ve shed someone that had been draining me for years. I’m still here and living on those borrowed prayers. I’m getting better everyday, it’s amazing what quality time spent on you can really do. But deep in my heart I guess I always knew. It took me losing you to figure it out.

Thank you mom! for all of your prayers and for keeping me safe throught all the years. I know that it’s you who helped me figure out what’s right, giving me comfort throughout each night. What started as sorrow and pain, you turned into a major gain. Now I see I’m worth all that and so much more. Time for me to heal and close that door. A new chapter awaits and there’s so much left for me in store.