Lesson 10: Forgiveness Is Freedom, Not Approval of Wrongs

For a long time, I misunderstood forgiveness…

I used to believe that forgiving someone meant letting them off the hook, pretending I wasn’t hurt, or acting like everything was okay. I thought it required a kind of emotional amnesia, like I had to erase the memory or downplay the impact just to prove I had “moved on.” So I kept holding on. I carried the pain, the anger, and that heavy feeling in my chest whenever I thought about what happened. It would show up in quiet moments, in unexpected triggers, in the way my mood shifted when certain memories resurfaced.

But over time, I learned that forgiveness isn’t really about the other person. It’s about setting yourself free.

It’s about releasing yourself from the invisible chains that tie you to a moment that has already passed. Because the truth is, when we hold onto hurt, we don’t just remember it, Actually, we relive it again and again. And each time, it takes a little more from us.

Sometimes, holding onto resentment feels oddly safe. It tricks you into thinking you’re protecting yourself from getting hurt again. It whispers that if you stay angry, you’ll stay alert. That if you don’t let go, you won’t be vulnerable. But in reality, it just keeps you trapped in old memories. It keeps the wound fresh. Every time you remember, the pain comes back as if it just happened. You end up carrying that person with you, even after they’re gone, giving them space in your heart they no longer deserve.

There was a time when someone I trusted let me down. It wasn’t only what they did that hurt, but also the silence afterwards - the absence of accountability, the lack of closure. That silence was loud. It echoed in my thoughts, leaving me with unanswered questions and a deep sense of disappointment. For months, I wore my anger like a shield, thinking it made me stronger. I told myself that staying upset meant I was standing up for myself. I kept repeating the story in my head, justifying my feelings, convincing myself I was over it.

But my heart told a different story. It would still ache whenever I thought of them. Certain reminders would bring everything rushing back; the emotions, the confusion, the sense of betrayal. That’s when I began to realize something important.

It wasn’t them holding me back. I was the one keeping myself stuck, really.

I was the one replaying the moment. I was the one reopening the wound. And as long as I held onto that pain, I was giving it power over my present.

Forgiving took time. It didn’t happen overnight, and it definitely wasn’t a single decision. It happened little by little, through writing, praying, and a lot of tears. There were days I felt like I had let go, and other days when the hurt came rushing back just as strongly. Healing wasn’t linear. But with each step, I felt a little lighter.

I learned that forgiving someone doesn’t mean saying what they did was okay. It doesn’t mean excusing the behavior or pretending it didn’t matter. It means deciding that what happened will no longer control how you feel, how you live, or how you see yourself. It means reclaiming your peace.

And that was freedom.

A quiet, powerful kind of freedom that doesn’t depend on apologies or changed behavior. A freedom that comes from within, from choosing yourself over your pain.

Forgiving isn’t a weakness. It actually takes a lot of strength. It takes courage to sit with your emotions, to face the hurt honestly, and to still choose to let it go. It’s a quiet decision to stop letting pain control your story. And in that decision, something beautiful happens - you create space. Space for joy. Space for healing. Space for new experiences that aren’t shaped by old wounds.

You can’t hold onto both peace and resentment at the same time. One will always crowd out the other. So at some point, you have to choose. Not because it’s easy, but because it’s necessary.

When you forgive, you get back the energy that anger used to drain. You stop wasting emotional strength on something that no longer serves you. You give yourself a chance to heal, to begin again, and to find peace even if you never receive an apology, even if the story never gets a perfect ending.

If you’re carrying something heavy, here’s what I’ve learned:

You don’t forgive to fix the past. You forgive to free your future.

You don’t have to forget what happened. You just have to stop reliving it.

And sometimes, the person you most need to forgive is yourself. For staying too long. For ignoring the signs. For blaming yourself for something that was never your fault. Self-forgiveness is often the hardest, but it’s also the most necessary.

Let go, not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace. Because you deserve to wake up without that weight on your chest. Because your life is too valuable to be lived in the shadow of past pain.

And maybe forgiveness isn’t a one-time act. Maybe it’s something you choose, over and over again, until one day, it no longer hurts the same way.

Next in the series “36 Things I’ve Learned in 36 Years”

Lesson 11: “Silence is a powerful language. Not everything needs a reaction. Sometimes, peace isn’t found in louder words. It’s found in quiet strength.

Stay tuned