Junkie Journal Entry #1

I am a greatful recovering addict, that much I am sure of. This is the most amount of clean time I have had in the last 15 years or so (170 days alcohol 120 days all drugs and counting). I only was able to achieve this by taking my recovery serious, one day at a time. I had a “slip” in the early days of my sobriety but I was able to tell on myself and get back up. Looking back now, I believe it was best to get that mistake out of the way and that I was able to handle it correctly.

Regardless, I have always had this feeling that never seems to leave me like there is something I am supposed to figure out. I tell my therapist, counselor, peers and almost anyone that would listen where I can recieve some kind of feedback or constructive criticism. I ,so far, have gathered certain information that pertains to qualities and traits that are synonymous with my personality and character defects. I describe events and memories to these individuals in order not just to get an opinion but another perspective. That in itself has helped me a great deal because now I am able to talk to people and process what has troubled me without fear of being judged.

If anything, this whole recovery situation is like a foriegn concept to me. I take it one day at a time but in reality I have absolutly no idea what it is exactly I should be doing with myself. OK, so alcohol and drugs are not an option for me anymore but now I am faced with the challenge of acquiring a new way of life that is productive that would allow me to function as a contributing member. The alcohol and drugs may not be around but it is the behaviors manifested with in me that bring about the negative habits and thoughts.

My new life is a work in progress. It all has to begin with having a positive mental attitude. In a world full of uncertainty, I owe it to myself to navigate through the chaos if I am ever going to see better days. This, however, is not always that easy.

I am haunted by my past. It is a timeline of tragic, unfortunate circumstances that have prompted me to seek clinical assistance to address the resulting behavioral issues I suffer from today. This only works if I am going to be completely honest however my memory is so scrambled sometimes I cannot tell what I am able to recall is accurate let alone even real. It has gotten to the point where I use sleep as an escape only to trade in bad dreams for some great nightmares.

I can only escape and get away so far before the reality of what has come to be my life catches up with me. I acknowledge that I could be worse off. It is bitter sweet to be conscious and aware of my previous misdeeds. The only remedy for this ailment is to continue to take this opportunity serious which life was so benevolent to afford me.

I am a grateful recovering addict, this much I am sure of. I tell myself to always remember and never forget. I am a grateful recovering addict, but it is not easy.