It Will Be Okay

Okay, so I do not identify as a scholar or writer. I am often surprised by how creative I can be. Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised, after all, I am left-handed and there is a multitude of research that proves that left-handed people are more creative than their right-handed peers. Anyway, this is not relevant to why I decided to write this piece. I am not trying to earn your trust or provide my credentials. The permission I have to write about this subject is the fact that I AM HUMAN! I am flawed, misguided, impulsive, free-spirited, a little chubby, and sort of lazy but I am also kind, thoughtful, giving, and considerate of others.

Now you might be thinking that I am just babbling. I promise that if you continue to read this "piece" everything will make sense.

For most of my life, I have not been happy with myself. I did not like the way that I looked, I was convinced I was stupid, and I did not understand why I failed at everything. EVERYTHING! School, faith, finances, relationships, fitness, military career, friendships, and work, I failed at it all. No matter how hard I desired to change and how much effort I exhausted in becoming a better person, I would always return to what I knew. FAILURE.

It got to the point that I began to view successful people with awe. I am not talking about people like Bill Gates, but normal, everyday people that I saw being productive and well-balanced. I did not understand how my friends who had children could attend school, sustain high GPA's, go to the gym, cook food, excel in their careers, be financially responsible, keep their house clean, and still have time to maintain healthy relationships.

Here I was, a 30-something single woman, who seemingly could not get my life together no matter how hard I tried. My house was a mess, I barely missed flunking out of college, could not maintain healthy relationships and etc. I was not living a productive or well-balanced life. There had to be a reason.

In 2015 I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety Disorder. I later learned that symptoms of depression often included the inability to get shit done. I was miserable. I wanted so much out life but I just did not know how to go after it. That feeling made me more depressed and the cycle kept on repeating itself.

Not only did I have depression and an anxiety disorder but, in early 2017, I was diagnosed with ADHD. ADHD is something that normally is diagnosed around 12 years of age, but there I was, a 30-something-year-old woman diagnosed with ADHD.

I began medication and began to feel better, but I learned that the medication I was on could cause damage to my body in the long run so I decided not to continue using meds. My transition off of my medication was not hard, but now I had to figure out a way to live a life without it. *DISCLAIMER: This is not meant to be an anti-medication post in any way shape or form! If it works for you then please continue to use it.

A couple of months later, I decided to change my life. I knew who I wanted to be and how I wanted to live in this world. So I had to learn how to love myself. This meant not giving into depression, which is easier said than done. It also meant that I could not isolate myself. I needed to do what was counter-intuitive to me. So I began signing up for different classes, took a trip to LA, downsized my apartment to save money, got a new position at work doing something that I actually enjoy, began going to church, expanded my social circle, requested constructive criticism from people that I knew I could trust, and I began to talk to God more. (Yes, I am a Christian... Not ASHAMED!)

My life changed. I now know that every step I take, no matter how small, it propels me toward my goal. Although I have a long way to go, I am not who I use to be and that gives me the motivation to keep going forward.

I've said all of that to say this:

IT WILL BE OKAY!

You may not be where you want to be in your life. But where you are at this moment can be a catalyst to something great! It all begins with changing your perspective. You need have a vision of yourself to work towards. No one has ever built a house or a building without a vision of the final product. We are no different. Picture yourself as the ideal you, and begin to build your life around that.

It is going to be messy, It is going to be hard, there will be tears, and there will be stumbles, but stick with it! Self-reflection is something that you must do. Seek people out that love you enough, to be honest with you and provide you with constructive criticism. Also, surround yourself with emotionally healthy people and do not feel obligated to keep people in your life that upset your peace. Learn to be flexible!!!! Life is not a straight road. You will experience unforeseen turns. IT IS OKAY! Learn from it and apply it your vision. Take your time. Remind yourself that you are not in a race with anyone. Do not compare yourself to anyone because their vision may not be your vision and their journey is NOT your journey. Most importantly, show yourself some Grace. No one is perfect. NOT EVEN YOU!

Life is a journey but we can choose how we allow our present circumstances to affect our lives. Change your perspective and when you do, you will finally understand that EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY!