It's Okay to Sit This One Out

It’s hard to be so disconnected, but it’s worse to take the damage. 

Time and time again I find myself in this situation, debating with myself over whether I can absorb another black death on my timeline. But there is no debate this time. After two months in quarantine, I spend the end of every week sheltering, fortifying, and recovering just to borderline maintain my mental health, at constant war with my bipolar depression.

So as much as I want to connect to the pain my people are suffering, as much as I want to throw myself into the fold, post, speak, and educate, that weight is too heavy for me to bear this time. And that is something that is easier to come to terms with in theory than in reality.

Guilt or Pain

Should I apologize for this? Every time I scroll by another post, or break another chain I’ve been tagged in, or skip a moment in the movement I’m hit with guilt. Hit with this overwhelming feeling to reach out and apologize to the culture, to the next person who will suffer from this system that targets us.

So in reality it's not a question of whether I participate or not. It's moreso a question of am I more willing to open myself up to this pain or accept the guilt that will nag me?

It's astonishing that the very depression that worries me into closing myself off participating is now the instrument of my persistent guilt. Am I responsible? What part am I playing?

Self-preservation is the most natural of instincts. But compassion is what I was raised on and what I am based in. And compassion is more than a thought, compassion is action. Compassion is moving to save the innocence of the generations who have yet to experience racist natures and should never have to. Compassion is holding and protecting those who need protection from racist natures now. It would seem normal that both could be true, we could preserve ourselves while giving aid and reinforcement. But there are times, like this, where both can't coexist.

On the Sidelines

My role, this time around, is to stay on the sidelines, injury reserve. To heal while my brothers and sisters stand tall. Still, as I move forward watching this battle pass, my stomach turns thinking about what I could contribute, the difference I could make, but unfortunately realizing there will be more battles, where I will be in the place to give my best without damaging myself more. 

It’s not wrong to need to sit on the sidelines. Let me repeat. It’s not wrong to need to sit on the sidelines.

The reason we fight this battle is that we want the best for ourselves and each other, so if taking care of you, your mental health, or your physical health in these COVID times, is more important, then I urge you to rest up to prepare for when your time comes. 

Healing

So, knowing all that I know, saying what I’ve said, why do I still sit with half a heavy heart?

I remember the first time I went to protest. Freddie Gray was just murdered in Baltimore, less than an hour from where I live, but I was in Philadelphia in my Freshman year at Drexel. Before I went to the protest, the first thing I did was talk to my professor, Marc, to tell him I’d miss class that day for the protest (yes, I still attended every class). I still remember his response. However simple it may seem, it made the enormous difference. 

Me, timidly: “I’ll be missing class, I’m going to the protest downtown.”

Marc: “As you should be.”

That was more than acceptance, that was support. Support for me to take own my healing however I may need. That was a moment of healing, an unexpected healing that would continue throughout everything that happened that day. As I marched, heard the stories of injustice throughout Philadelphia from the Move bombings to neighborhood interactions, saw the tears fill people's eyes and heard the pain in people's voices, I shared that pain as they shared theirs and from it I gained…

Closure

The protest for many are a way to get closure during a time that we are struggling to make sense of. As much as the heated debates, graphic videos, and shared struggle may have its weight, being able to express yourself has its benefit as well. So as much as I’m disconnecting from the pain, I’m also disconnecting from the benefits.

So how do we find my own closure now? Without sharing the pain and exposing ourselves to the struggling war of a hurting nation? 

Another death is another open wound. But only you can determine how you heal. I’ve watched from the sideline, taking in as much as I can, while also increasing my meditations to silently relieve my tensions. But that is my way. You must make the best choice for yourself. Remember:

The reason we fight these inequities are to create a better life for each other, so that we all may prosper. But we only prosper when we are all taken care of. So whatever you need to do to take care of yourself in these times, that is what you should be doing.

Be safe. Be strong. Prosper.