It's All Yellow

Have you ever started a gentle yoga practice and exactly three minutes and twenty-six seconds into it you decide you’ve had enough? Because that is what I just did moments before walking to my computer to type this. My life lately has felt a lot like that three minutes and twenty-six seconds of yoga: probably good for me, but feels pretty damn terrible. To give you an idea, I sat on my mat, and about ten whole seconds into the instructor telling me to “find a comfortable seat” my heart palpitated for the first time in months, and I could feel my anxiety levels rising. No one mentioned my calming breath was going to come with a side of cardiac distress; this isn’t what I ordered and you can take it right back where it came from. Now, if you’ll notice, I continued on the yoga adventure for an additional two minutes and sixteen seconds after that incident, and for two whole minutes and sixteen god awful seconds all I could think to myself was “what the fuck is wrong with me?” Now, this isn’t meant to be a deep dive into the effects of self-talk, or yoga, or why I couldn’t even get through a paragraph without cussing, but what it is meant to be is a deep dive into me, every week (or more), and all the dumb shit (I’d like to point out the connotation of “dumb shit” can be either positive or negative; this is important) that is going on in my brain and body. I’m searching y’all, and I figured if I’m keeping a journal about all the ins and outs of my life to try to make sense of it, I might as well take the few of you who want to read along with me for the ride. I promise it won’t all be as negative as the above, but it won’t be censored, and it won’t be easy, and some of you might not even think my jokes are funny, but that’s okay because I’m giving you this warning now. Just think of all those road signs telling you to watch for falling rocks, beware of ice, and to fucking merge when the lane is going to end. Maybe I’ll keep up with this quest, and maybe I won’t, and all of that is okay, but I hope some of you relate, mostly because that’ll mean I haven’t completely lost it, or, we both have, and in that case at least we have each other.

So, let’s get this started by saying that I’m the happiest I’ve been in a very long time. Bet you didn’t expect that plot twist, huh? Surprise! For the first time in nearly ten years, I’m sleeping well, relatively productive, and not being sucked into the black hole that are my famous depressive episodes. They still happen, just a lot less frequently. Thanks, Trintellix! With that, I’m unemployed after my husband and I moved to Alabama, so my full time job is cuddling my dog, and making sure there’s less dishes in the sink than normal. Situational stress is low these days, and my nervous system is LOVING it. However, that hasn’t stopped me from going into spiraling pits of “why won’t someone hire me? Why can’t I get through more than three minutes and twenty-six seconds of yoga without my heart telling me it wants to kill me? Why am I still so tired? Why did I not lose any weight when I stopped drinking four days a week? Why did I even stop drinking four days a week? WHY AM I WASTING MY TIME AND MONEY EATING SPINACH WHEN I STILL FEEL LIKE SHIT?!” Welcome to my brain everyone, that’s pretty much it, all the time. We should probably just pack it up and all go home now. But really, that’s the crux of it. I’m on the hunt to figure out why my mind and body feel the way they do, and eventually, I’d like to figure out how to fix the parts of it that I can, so I don’t feel like I’m under attack 24/7. Remember when I said I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time? I still cringe when I think back to what it used to feel like, but the good news is that my decade of trial and error is WORKING. It’s a turtle with a shell of lead, but it’s very, very slowly getting there.

This, my friends, is my invitation to all of you, and especially to my fellow lead-shelled turtles, to follow me along as I complain about making doctors’ appointments, getting blood work that says there’s nothing wrong with me, and having a mental break down every time I try to work out. BUT, and this is a huge “but,” it is also an invitation to follow me as I find things that make me feel better, learn things about myself, and this world, and the people in my life, and ultimately be able to do more than three minutes and twenty-six seconds of yoga.

P.S. We’re gonna try the yoga practice again later today.

A Note from Emily: The color yellow is unique in that the psychological reactions it evokes are often diverse and dependent on the individual. Although often associated with energy, happiness, confidence, and even sunshine, yellow can also create feelings of irritability, anxiety, and anger when an individual has been overexposed to the color (Cherry). I’m suspended amongst the yellow, and “there are things in that paper that nobody knows but me, or ever will” (Gilman 36).

Cherry, Kendra. “Can Color Affect Your Mood and Behavior?” Verywell Mind, Verywell Mind, 17 July 2019, www.verywellmind.com/color-psychology-2795824.

Gilman, Charlotte Perkins. "The Yellow Wall-Paper" by Charlotte Perkins Gilman: a Dual-Text Critical Edition. Edited by Shawn St. Jean, Ohio University Press, 2006.