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introduction

to a moment in time

By idrialPublished 4 years ago 4 min read
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Snapshots of Holiday 2019

It's January 2020.

Social media is flooded with well written blurbs of achievements, milestones, anecdotes, interesting tales, or any other number of things worthy of sharing with fond company.

I grin as I scroll through my feed. It's nice seeing tidbits of joy when current events can be so bleak.

A meme interrupts the stream of written text. It's a comic format and clearly intended to spread positivism.

"DON'T WORRY IF ALL YOU ACCOMPLISHED in 2019 is SURVIVAL"

-some of you need to hear this crew

That is obviously not a direct quote. I didn't save the image. I am not sure how much it matters at this point, however, because the above quote is the message I took away from the meme regardless if that is what it intended.

The message had jarred me out of the casual scrolling and I skimmed over the text in the infographic. It discussed how it's common to see messages in social media at this time of year about productivity, success, typical milestones celebrated by society, etc. It discussed self care strategies to avoid beating yourself up over having a "lack of accomplishments."

I mulled over what I had read during the next couple of days. Why? I recognized it was a point of view that met the criteria for my own self care routine - a regime that I begrudgingly was trying to put more effort into.

I mulled it over.

Even just considering it at all was an act of mindfulness on my part.

I am not naturally inclined to give myself space to calmly accept anything, really.

My natural inclination used to be to roll my eyes at even a hint of being "kinder" to myself.

Three years ago, I would have launched into a scathing self critique over all my short comings and what I was going to do this year to "rectify" that.

Three years ago I would have not only have mocked the meme, I would have doubled down by ensuring I did a mental exercise to prove that nothing can hamper my determination to accomplish something.

Hell, I had already been trying to indulge in the "20 goals for 2020" trend I had seen in my feeds. I kept getting stuck trying to get started on that. The fact I kept getting stuck kept quickly tanking my mood.

I was always that kid that couldn't just awkwardly collect useless facts, I also had to obsess over specific sets of useless facts that could be exchanged for money. It was the closest to I could sort out what having a career meant. Everything I've ever done, I've needed to do intensely and perfectly. I assumed that getting paid to do what I wanted to do intensely and perfectly meant I was doing it "correctly."

"THIS IS ADULTING, RIGHT?"

This is my permit to be a workaholic

So I stubbornly insisted I had a fondness for my dry, dark sense of humor. So what if it bleed into my attitude towards life in general? I had to be successful, right? I was happy and I was doing well. I loved work and what adult isn't supposed to be spending most of their time working?

Maturity gained through experience was about to punch me... well right in the spine. Fate rolled that I would get four spine surgeries over the course of three years.

It's completely incompatible with my personality.

I have been thrust into a "recovery journey" that I didn't ask for. Unlike a task, it has no clear set of requirements. There are no instructions. It is not obvious where you are in the "journey" in the first place.

It's not clear where you turn in the deliverable. There is no deadline. So it's not exactly clear if you were "successful" in your journey - a point of bland dissatisfaction that leaves an unsatisfactory taste in my mouth.

I have tried returning to "normal."

When I "returned to normal" in November 2018, I promptly was told in July of 2019 that spine surgery number four needed to be scheduled.

It was certainly a humbling piece of this story. I might dive into that in an upcoming post... because my story is what I plan on writing about here.

I have no idea where I am currently in my "recovery journey," but this is where I start sharing it here at vocal.

Most of what I plan on writing will be in some way tied to my recovery. I have a lot of notes scattered around from my research, things given to me by therapists, etc. I have sunk a few years into being well educated in how to recover from a major health event.

For example, pictured above are some cookies I had made for the holidays. These cookies were a conscious piece of my physical therapy.

Sitting in a chair, mixing dough, rolling dough out, cutting out shaped dough, baking, etc. were good physical activities for where I was at during my recovery at that specific point in time.

In the picture are basic sugar cookies that were eventually decorated by my nieces (8yo and 3yo). Above them are "spritz." I used a cookie gun to recreate a cookie I grew up with. Not pictured are also some chocolate chip cookies I made.

This was a great activity because it combined what I needed to do during that stage of my recovery (get out of the bed and sit in a chair) with a number of other benefits:

  • Socialize with family
  • Seasonally appropriate activity
  • Produce artifact (cookies)
  • Produce gratitude artifact (cookies to share with family)

With the holidays over, I now have to put a bit more energy into finding inspiration to keep going with similar activities.

I have a feeling a lot of my activity choices will be influenced by the weather as well. What is New England like again in January?

Oh yeah. Single digits and snow.

Well fuck

Guess I better stick to indoor activities.

healing
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About the Creator

idrial

I'm already a cyborg

30 something DevOps software engineer recovering from four spine surgeries

code, knit, crochet, hook, cook, bullet journal, geek

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