Instructions for your Apartment

Instructions for Your Apartment

Cracking an egg involves several stages of grief. Observe the shell. It is whole and smooth. Denial. As your hand clutches the coolness, it almost feels wet, slippery. In a fowl swoop, you slam the egg onto the edge of a frying pan. Anger. You see a shell has decided to stay with the nutrients that you intend to consume. Fetch it. Bargaining. You burn your finger trying to work the shell bit out of your food. Depression. You decide that just one little piece of shell shouldn't ruin your morning. Acceptance.

After this, the author will write some instructions on something silly like crying, winding a clock, or how to sing. In fact, the author will expedite this introduction so as to have a large amount of instructions on things you should already understand how to do. Proceed, idiot.

How to Brawl

This is the only way, it seems, that your friends are capable of hanging out. You have tried for movie nights, to watch one of the Austin Power’s films. You end up, alone, dropping shots of rum into your gullet, jealous of Austin Power’s mojo: his ability to interact with people. You try to start a new run through of Fallout 3 and put your charm all the way up. Fantasize about being the perfect social animal.

The only way to win at Super Smash Bros is to play as Kirby and to listen to the sound of mashing buttons and shouts filled with curses. In this way you will fuck up the other players. Even if they all play as their favorite character: Nate is Snake, Christopher is King Dedede, Luke is Zelda, and Tonner is Captain Falcon, Kirby will succeed. Even though you lack the tactics and have no idea what the fuck you are doing, Kirby will overcome. You will whack them with your big ass hammer and fuck them up. However, failing to pick Kirby still leaves open the option of handing the controller to someone else. If you can’t handle the cute pink round ball of cuteness, get the fuck out! End lesson.

Chilling on the Roof

This is your first apartment. You found two other people, Chris and Matt, who have agreed to cohabitation with you. The landlord is difficult to understand, but you try to be kind since she is from a country in Southeast Asia; you forget which one. Matt has a room to himself, justifying a decrease in how much you and Chris should pay for internet. Chris and you occupy the other bedroom, which is quite large. Later on, your friend Nate will join the lease. Three is almost too much for the room, no matter the size. You went to high school with Chris and feel comfortable around him. After the first two months, you hear about a lunar eclipse. You excitedly tell Chris, showing the article on Facebook.

Living in a two-story apartment, you must open the window of your bedroom to the roof of your porch. The first time is an attempt to see the rare lunar eclipse after reading and anticipating the occurrence. You bend under the window and step onto the tin metal, which is rusting in some places. Avoid those spots. The roof indents where you put your foot, loudly proclaiming your presence. A bird flutters off hastily. You look up, hoping to see the eclipse. No luck because of that damned cloud cover.

The second time you venture onto the roof will be with your roommate to hang out and talk. You smoke weed for the first time, after a long time considering his offer. You don’t get high.

“Was I supposed to inhale?” You ask.

Your roommate laughs loudly, like he is about to hack out a hair ball. He nods. Nevertheless, the stars are beautiful with the broken street lights. When you go out again, try to bring out the Wii for Brawl. Refer back to How to Brawl on how to play.

How to Deal With Boredom

Really? Are you that lonely? Take a book and place it against the wall. You may have the binding touch the wall, the cover, the back; if you want to be a badass, open it to a random page and touch the wall. Take that page, find a sentence, and come up with a story. Your main character, Joe, will be the most charming guy with any woman of his choice. His friends even offer to watch Austin Powers. Shit! This is non-fiction.

Easter By Yourself

When your parents and brother have left on their break to the family timeshare Virginia (which happens to not correspond with your college break) indulge in homework. The sensation of Creative Nonfiction, an English paper, Marine Biology Presentation, and French translations is immense. You are alone. With only Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin to keep you company and time flying, do your best to complete all your assignments in one day.

Friday, you had to work security, making sure nobody stole computers or board games at GameFest. You realize that no one is foolish enough to try and take something with dozens of college kids around. This is a chance for nerds to hang out for twelve hours straight. Thankfully, you are only required to keep an eye out until one in the morning and there’s free pizza. Instead of going to sleep, you find Nate, Tonner, and Luke playing Munckins: The Good, The Bad, The Munchkin. You join them until five and then drag yourself to bed. You don’t wake up until two in the afternoon on Saturday, which turns into an unproductive day.

Now, it is Sunday and you feel swamped, unsure where to start. You jot down a to-do list, identifying which projects require immediate attention. They are all due either Monday or Tuesday. The likelihood of you completing the tasks at hand are slim. You feel fucked. Not just by the professors unintentionally assigning everything at once, but at yourself for not doing something Saturday. Good game!

Instructions on Concentration

Ignore the laughs and excitement coming from downstairs. It’s just more Smash Bros. You hear footsteps. Nate crashes through the door (though not literally, he merely throws open the precipice to your room). He demands you to come downstairs. You tell him you’ll be down. He leaves. Crank out the last page of your present assignment and run down. It may not be the best lab report, but bonding with friends is much healthier for you.