Inactivity and Want

Hey, my name is Stefano and I've been inactive.

I don't mean inactive from just writing for Vocal, I mean inactive for everything.

This isn't really a story or blog post or something like that. I'm writing down me, right now.

I'm writing on December 8, 2020 because I need to do something. The time is 1:22 p.m. It's a Tuesday.

I'm sitting on my couch with Amazon Prime TV on my television. I'm sitting on a reclining sofa, my body is slightly stretched out and my legs are bent at the knees, but not crossed. My dog is laying across my left leg.

I'm wearing a black t-shirt, grey sweatpants and no socks.

My brother is here, he's peaked at what I'm writing. I told him that I just need to write something.

I have been inactive.

So, what does that mean? I could give you the answer that I give everybody who asks me what I'm up to right now: "Oh, I'm looking for a job, but it's tough because nobody is hiring." Then you would give me some advice that I would nod along to. I would listen to what you told me and I would thank you for your time and advice.

I won't act on it though.

I won't act on it because the drive, the desire, the passion to act on it is not there.

I don't have that drive, don't have that desire, don't have that passion to hear what you tell me and act on it.

I've been like this for months.

This is not to say I haven't followed through on all the advice I've been given, that isn't true. Honestly, I've listened to so many different people tell me so many different things that I'm sure I've tried at least some of it.

This is not to say that what I'm saying isn't truthful either. Getting a job is difficult, especially in a time like now.

The problem is that I just don't want to. The want is absent.

But I do want to. I want to get me life kickstarted. I want to get a job or start some career that I enjoy and can bank on for the rest of my life. I want to make people proud. I want to make my friends proud. I want to make my family proud. I want.

But that drive, that desire, that passion is not there. That want is absent.

I know this is subtly poetic, the way I'm writing this. It is by design. I'm purposefully writing in repetition, writing in short sentences, writing in bursts. Writing in a way that hopefully, when I look back at what I've written here, I know that this pushed me to where I end up.

I do not expect this to be the catalyst that launches me to the successes I want. That is not realistic and I know that.

But, I want what I'm writing right now to push me to want.

I don't know who will read this, when somebody will read this, what they will think when they read this, why they stopped to read this far into what I've written.

But. Thank you for reading.

I'm writing this more for myself, to hold some accountability for my inactivity and to at least be productive in some way.

But. If you did choose to read this and read this far, thank you.

At least I know that my activity was worth wanting something.