If Walls Could Talk

If walls could talk, I would tell you the tales. The ones of her best days and worst. For it is the worst that has been hidden behind me that is unknown to most. If your walls could talk, I hope they would speak your truth. That even in your darkest hours they had seen your light. That they would share with the world tales of your strength and not only your strife.

If walls could talk, I hope that they would tell you that they had seen all the times that you cried. The prayers that only they had heard and how they were answered by God. That they would share stories of inspiration from your downfalls and how you had risen. Ones that would give you much pride to spread to anyone who would listen. The ones that showed how you had overcome and persevered even when there was no light at the end of your tunnel and no hope in sight for years.

If I could talk, those are the stories I would choose to tell. To show you a different perspective and help you see what I see in yourself. I never pitied you or sympathized. I rooted for you in silence because I knew what you were all along. I knew what you would be. But I was forced to sit and say nothing until you, yourself could see.

I would express how much it pained me to sit helplessly and watch you suffer. I could whisper no words of encouragement, offer support, or anything other. It was hard to hide the truth that I knew could help you rise again stronger. But the woman that you have now become and the pride that you can now carry is worth well alone the gold on your throne. You truly heard when they said, “though it tarry”.

Because now, you sit looking over all of the obstacles you have risen above. The pieces given were never random. They were building something beautiful though you didn’t know what that was. I delight as the image comes from you putting each one into place. It surpasses anything you could have ever imagined. None of them were given in vain. They fit together so perfectly to reveal the puzzle of how you came to know what you are being entrusted with now. It shows the plan God always had that you could not yet see. How you would one day be a guiding light for all of those not yet free.

I would recollect all the times I have seen you skip, laugh, and play. Of the crayon scribbles I endured. As you dreamed big dreams. As you learned to read and pray. How I watched on in the excitement of Christmas mornings, as you rushed quickly out to see what the easter bunny had left, and waved coins from the tooth fairy. I listened along in comfort to bedtime stories read by your mother. I heard your whispers of birthday wishes. I saw all the fights with your brother. I’d laugh recollecting how you would dance and sing in front of your mirror. How you daydreamed, dressed up, and spent summer days blowing dandelions and digging up treasure. How you believed in magic, sprinkled fairy dust, and wished upon stars. How you created fingerpaint masterpieces and composed out-of-pitch songs. How I watched as you locked your diary and hid away the key. As you waited eagerly for vacations sleeplessly. The sleepovers, slumber parties, and posters of boybands that I proudly wore. How much I loved when you allowed me to hold your frames of family, friends, and awards.

This is how I have seen you.

I have seen you come home from school crying because of the cruelty of other children. How left out you felt when you had no friends. The consolation from your mother. How she was always there for you when you had no other. The nights you cried yourself to sleep and self-consciousness started to grow. When you fell in love for the first time and the heartbreak that shortly followed. The times you questioned your own worth. When you couldn’t help but wonder what it is you had done to receive such hateful words. As you tried to reason why a good person that hurts no one deserves to be hurt. I witnessed as you lost all confidence and self-love. When you judged yourself unfairly. I watched as you tried to change yourself for others. Hid your loneliness, though just barely. Being lost and misunderstood. I have seen the extent of your pain. I have also seen your attempts to find a way to numb it in any way.

I’d assure you that I have seen you.

I have seen you in the depths of despair. In holes and cycles of addiction. When you thought you would never escape your plight. When you made all the wrong decisions. As you lost everyone because you refused to give up the one thing that offered you solace. As you sacrificed them all in exchange for relief from a life that was leaving you joyless. When you lowered your standards to accommodate your habit and believed you would never live a “normal” life without it. Your fear of losing your crutch and ability to carry on. Stuck in a prison disguised as freedom. Playing the part of a devil’s pawn. As you lost all respect for yourself and chased validation. As you were taken advantage of yet still blamed yourself for your exploitation. I have seen you as you tried to pretend it never happened. The moment you lost trust in yourself and began the evil pattern. How you allowed the unspeakable to be done because you no longer felt that you mattered. I watched as you gave up fighting and started to quickly sink into the quicksand trap that had been planted, all in exchange for a drink.

I saw it all. I heard the whispers. I saw the way they glared. But rest assured I never judged. I have seen the things with them you have not shared.

I have seen you give yourself to people undeserving because you didn’t think that you deserved better. The way they took all they could and never gave back because they knew you would stay forever. I’ve seen you give up your dreams and trade the spotlight for the shadows. When you dimmed your light for someone else and refused to let yourself glow. Being so scared of losing someone else you would give up yourself instead. The ones that used you to their own advantage because they wanted to steal what you didn’t know that you had. They didn’t know the real you. They didn’t know what you were capable of.

You did not see yourself dear girl or believe that you deserved love. So I want you to know I was there all along. I have seen the true you. You were never alone.

I have seen you when you were broken. Battered and beaten by life. I watched as you caked on the makeup over your black and blue eyes. I have watched as your scars, you tended. I have seen you in denial. I’ve seen you return to the hands of abuse declaring your love all the while. I’ve seen you as you cried silently in bathwater tinged pink from your blood. I watched your eyes as your breath was cut off and thought your life was over. As you danced the fine line of death and had to constantly look over your shoulder. I watched as you curled up in a closet muffling your sobs. And I yearned to reach out as you realized you could no longer save yourself. I felt the shadows that clung to me lurking and watched as your sanity, you questioned. As you lay with the enemy at night, said secret prayers, and begged for sweet salvation. I saw you as you surrendered and threw in the towel of life. I knew at that moment you had lost all hope to survive. But I did not give up hope for you. I held trust for you in the divine. And I took a deep sigh as they pulled you from the wreckage and surrounded you with their light.

I saw you struggle to find your identity because you had forgotten who you were. As you justified vices, pitied yourself, and felt you could not go any further. When each day felt like climbing a mountain. I had to watch each night as you fell. Finally hitting rock bottom and once again begging for help. I saw you receive phone calls from heaven. I saw you glimpse deliverance and truth. Struggling to slowly recover. I watched you regain strength only to relapse and lose.

I saw the ones that betrayed you. I watched you fight so hard to reignite your spark only to have it be snuffed out. I watched as all hope left your eyes. I saw you confused and not knowing the path of which you should follow. I have seen you sacrifice comfort for success, your heart out of safety, and your depths for something much more shallow. I watched you hopelessly depressed held captive by bands of gold. I saw you lay in pools of your tears. As you cried out for mercy. As you questioned your life. As you ultimately did as you were told.

I saw you struggle just to make it through each day. I watched as they made you doubt your own truth. I watched you beg for sincereness and be gaslit anyway. I watched as they made outrageous claims. As they manipulated their power in the name of something unholy. They disguised it as God’s Will veiled in quiet threats with their true faces never showing. I saw all vows made to you broken. I watched the deceit in the night. I heard the secrets kept from you. I saw you find out that your life was a lie.

I saw the birth of your children. How it restored your purpose in life. I saw your strength replenished as you fought for their lives. I watched your heart overflowing. You never anticipated the truth that would be told. But I was a witness, I was there that day to behold the beauty of how they relit that light deep inside. When you finally saw your true worth reflected in their eyes.

I saw you sacrifice security for integrity. As you chose faith over proof. You finally unearthed your power. You suddenly had a new point of view. You unleashed the bounded warrior lying dormant for so long. And I saw you cry sweet tears of freedom as you realized what you had been all along. I saw all of your gratitude. When you were given a second chance at life. I will never forget the way you looked the first time you held your head high.

I’ve seen you delighted even when you had nothing. Saw you in awe and wonder without a cent to your name. Saw your trust in the salvation of angels as they delivered the miracles your life quickly changed. I saw you rise from the ashes. I saw you believe in yourself for the first time. I saw you begin to dream again. I saw you discover your meaning for being alive. I saw you pursuing your purpose. I saw your insecurities fall out of sight. I watched as you finally stood up and spoke your truth in courtrooms and fought for your life. While you pleaded for protection, finally received justice, and were vindicated from strife.

I watched you finally harness your own strength. Giving yourself the things that before you could not conceive. I saw you gain independence for the first time. I watched as you were awakened. I saw you revolutionize your mind. You gave yourself permission to dream big. You realized you were not meant to live in the shadows. You finally began reaping the harvest from all of the seeds that you had sown. I saw you finally refusing to do anything but shine. You pushed your own boundaries. You finally drew the line. You turned away anyone or anything that diminishes your worth. I watched on in utter bliss while to a brave new world, you gave birth. Becoming a force to be reckoned with. Turning into the woman you always wished you could be. Looking fiercely into the mirror. Tackling your demons. You no longer refused to succeed.

Fighting for those who cannot fight for themselves. Alchemizing your pain into purpose. Using hurt to be a hero to those who cannot see for themselves they are worth it. Knowing that you are always protected. Being gifted clarity to understand. You were always meant for much bigger. Your future you command. You were meant to rise to victory in front of your oppressors. And I watched you receiving apologies, from those no longer of service. I watched as the tables all turned. I saw the wheel spin in your favor. The reward for this life you had earned. No one could ever take it.

I saw when you had the realization that the only thing that was ever holding you back was yourself. When you finally realized the pain you could relieve, as soon as you were assertive. I watched you no longer settle for what was offered out of fear. When you could finally see it clear. The reason why you had endured what you had for all those years. When you decided to no longer be a supporting character in someone else’s life. When you finally realized it was yours for the taking and that you were always the heroine in disguise.

I cannot express how proud I am of the woman that you have become. The hardships you have surpassed and the strength you wield with such valor. You are a testament to all that they too can retake their power. Although I am going to miss you, I know it is for the best. I can no longer keep you to myself. I must share your light with the rest. I must release you into the world. It needs you more than me. But know that I will hold forever the memories of you so dearly. I will wear the holes from your frames with great pride. I no longer have to protect your secrets. I’ll watch you walk off as I smile with bittersweet knowing of your beautiful spirit that goes now into this dark world brightly glowing.