Identity in the wilderness

Ahh the wilderness. What a tragic place to be in. There are various definitions of the wilderness but for simplicity sake, I will focus on one. Merriam webster’s dictionary provided the following explanations of the wilderness; “a tract or region uncultivated and uninhabited by human beings”; and my personal favorite, “a bewildering situation”; how apt. Essentially its a sucky place that sucks to the highest heavens. For better understanding, the wilderness in question here is a metaphor for the point in time where all that lays before you and behind you is emptiness and the oasis you so thirst for has fucked off somewhere. Most people lovingly call this, the transition phase where there are little to no positive discernable and stable features of reality to grab a hold onto.

Now if you are a living breathing creature, chances are you have come face to face with your ‘wilderness’. If you haven’t yet had the fortune of being in the wilderness, let me provide you with some examples of its characteristics; you are broke-ity broke, you cry a lot, you hate everything on most days, you don’t remember the good times because all that seem to be on repeat are the bad times, you give up, you become anxious, you feel shame and guilt and question (to extreme extent) your existence, you feel anger, and more than anything you question your identity and self worth.

I know this, because I am currently in the woeful throes of my wilderness and let me tell you it ain’t pretty. My wilderness is made up of tears, anxiety, self doubt, identity crisis, anger, sadness, procrastination, hopelessness, helplessness, irrational fear, mild agoraphobia, smatterings of hope and Indomie (ridiculous amounts, because well, broke is me). So, there it is, the clusterfuck of life as it stands at this moment in time. I know I am not the only one that is going or has gone through this. Yet somehow, I find the literature out there doesn’t highlight the everyday struggles. What we have instead is a catalog of people triumphantly rising from the ashes (which is an amazing feat in and of itself). Besides, I get it. No one wants to be subjected to the constant visual of struggle because it can be uncomfortable to see.

One of the dominant themes manifesting in this reality, is the sense of identity or lack thereof. My identity has been greatly challenged whilst navigating this barren space and most uncomfortably, I have been forced to question who I am now with no security blanket. By security blanket, I mean; no job, no steady source of income, etc. Big ole nothing. Right now, if asked who I am, the struggle to define myself will be real. Perhaps its because the things that once defined me; job, money, academic achievements and milestones have fallen by the wayside, and all that’s left behind is a seemingly blank slate. This blank state is as daunting as they come because the natural reaction is to fill the void quickly in order to bypass feeling the feelings. Nonetheless, the opportunity to question who I am, who I want to be; society’s love child or my authentic self or a hybrid version of both, is ever present.

Wading through the barren landscape of the unknown forces one to see the beauty that could be. Where the chase to achieve and be productive was once the order of the day, a snail’s pace in the tumultuous transitory period of life seems to take precedence. This becomes dangerous territory because the negative self talk comes freely and easily.

There are few things that have brought some semblance of beauty in this bleak place, and one of these, is the endless opportunities to delve deeper into my hobbies and creativity (writing for me). In an article posted on psychology today, Dr Marilyn price posits “One of the attributes creative people possess is the ability to make meaning out of seemingly senseless suffering”. So here I am making lemonade from lemons. For the first time in a long while, I have found myself writing more and more think pieces and unintelligible rants for personal review and (sometimes) public consumption. Its terrifying because the negative vocabulary the mind so effortlessly conjures is ever present. But you know what, fuck it! I owe It to myself to try, to put one foot in front of the other, to keep my head above water and march on. Why because like time, this too shall pass. But really, I am going to need it to move along faster.

So, if you are like me and have had life kick you in the proverbial ovaries and or balls, I would encourage us to delve deeper into the pockets of your/our creative consciousness. I would ask us to hold on dearly to our sanity through our respective creative medium(s), to find beauty in the unknown barnyard that is life. Take this awkward phase to ask yourself; who you want to be? Who you truly are when stripped of the coverings that make you “who you are”? are you confident in yourself and your future? Even if you cannot answer these questions, remember through this tumultuous time, you are WORTHY! So freaking worthy!