I SURRENDER

My thoughts about giving up and surrendering everything are eating my soul to pieces as my tears blur up my eyes. The intense heartbreak that I am currently feeling is pressing down on my chest, making me feel like I am drowning, I am struggling to swim up for a gulp of even one breath of air. I am really caught in the tempest and relentless storm; my soul is tossed about by the waves of frustration and failures.

In the midst of this emotional battle, I am taking one last chance of courage to grapple with the sweet memories of my crashing consciousness, surging images of shared smiles and laughter of loved ones colliding with my heart desires that stark every empty space or the void left by a love one. Every step forward feels like I am navigating through a minefield of memories, where remnants of what was once a dear memory turned into scattered debris in the aftermath of an emotional hurricane. Every tear shed in this once beautiful and daring brown eyes of mine is echoing pain and I keep on wondering how to pave a way from this whirlwind of purely negative emotion.

Days are turning into nights, and as darkness approaches, I stumble through a haze of confusion and a feeling of unbearable sorrow. Every attempt to piece together the fragments of my shattered life seems unbearably futile, making me mirror the world outside with the chaos from what I am feeling within. I am really feeling lost in a labyrinth of my own making, that is for sure. Anger is burning within me, fueled with frustration and regret. I keep on asking, “Why did it have to happen to me, and why so abruptly?” These questions keep on echoing in the caverns of my chaotic mind, and as always, the answers remain elusive.

I am trying my very best to mask the pain, to bury it beneath the layers of false smiles and fleeting unavoidable distractions, like accommodating 16-hour shifts. Yet, in the quiet moments of solitude, the unbearable ache resurfaced like a relentless reminder of the void that had taken residence in the depths of my heart and soul.

The torture of pain is like a palpable emptiness, a silence that reverted the spaces once filled with laughter and shared dreams that suddenly faded away. My attempt to seek solace in the noise of the outside world is only temporary because when the noise faded away, a sleek silence roared louder than ever, a reminder of the profound loss etched and echoed into the fabric of my existence.

I feel like I am lurking and grappling with the shadows around every corner, making each step as though it is a heavy burden of unanswered questions, carried with the absence of resilience in the heart of a maze where no strength is present to confront the complexities of my sorrow.

With all the negativity and precipice of despair, I cry my heart out, kneeling with a heavy heart and bulging eyes. I couldn’t navigate these stormy seas alone. With this laden heart filled with sorrow, I whisper into the quiet expanse, “ I SURRENDER.” I want to break free; I want to let go of this futile attempt to control the uncontrollable and acknowledge that the weight of my grief will surpass my human capacity to bear it. I will let these words escape from my lips and let the wind carry and envelope all this negativity. I surrender my pain to the Almighty, as I feel I have lost a great battle within me. I will let the divine plan beyond my scope of understanding take charge, it's my only choice at the moment.

“I surrender” my everything to the Almighty without hesitancy because, at the moment, He is the only one whom I can trust in my battles.