I quit my job to refocus and just be

It has been a month since I walked away from a toxic work environment, and I couldn't be more relieved.

While I currently don't have a job, I don't feel panicky. I do feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Now, before I go any further, let me give you a bit of the backstory.

I've worked as a journalist for nearly six years with the same company. I chose to work at this particular news outlet after being given an option to go to a small town in Alabama as on-air talent or working in London and Northern Ireland. It seemed like a no-brainer to me, despite me really wanting to be on-air. It has proven true that I fancied traveling more. At that point, I had only been to Jamaica by way of a cruise for a dance competition when I was in middle school. So, the idea of getting to live in another country for six months was super intriguing. I had just graduated from Columbia University in New York City when I found myself faced with this particular decision. I started working for the publication's New York City office before heading to London for three months, then to Belfast, Northern Ireland, for another three months, and finally back to New York City.

I absolutely loved Belfast and didn't want to leave. But I hated the London office. It was treacherous. Unlike my colleague, who went on the trainee scheme with me, no one made me cry on my first day. However, there were too many white men to count, who talked condescendingly to me as if I didn't have a clue about being a journalist. It was an environment in which reporters were supposed to take the bullsh*t thrown at them by editors who acted like puppets controlled by a puppeteer. In actuality, I believe that was the case. While I believe some of those editors were bad people, I also believe that some weren't and were just doing as they were told.

Nonetheless, it didn't make for a great work environment, so when we got back to New York City we felt like it'd be a much better working space. The New York City office space was definitely lovely and there were some really AMAZING people who I had a chance to work with; however, for every great person, there were two that weren't so great.

When I was first being trained as a reporter, I remember the guy who trained me telling my group that the company was out to achieve "world domination" in the sense of news reporting because we literally covered everything, even things that weren't at all newsworthy.

Now, in the NYC office things were a little better compared to London, but still toxic. There were several occasions when editors would get screamed at by an individual, we'll call "the boss." Each time we'd have a "conference" with the boss, it was the most miserable experience. There was really no pleasing him, unless you were his goddaughter who could do no wrong. He'd sometimes say that our attempt at writing our assigned articles were a "sh*t job" while we stood in a semi-circle around his desk. He'd yell, cuss, fuss and make threats to fire the political writers before shooing us away. There were also times when he'd close his doors just to yell at some of the editors and marketing folks. It was like this every day he was there. He'd usually stay in New York City for two weeks at a time before jetting off to another office, mainly the London office, to wreak havoc on them.

So now that you know about "the boss" let's talk about the editors. I found myself calling out several editors who thought it was cool to be condescending to a reporter who had been there long enough to know what she's doing. I mean the work we did wasn't rocket science. I'll never forget one lead editor scolded me for not asking HIM for permission to leave the office at 2 a.m. after the assistant editor had checked over and approved my work. I had shut down my entire workspace when he yelled, "Valerie, are you finished with everything?" I responded, "Yes." He said, "You should really ask if it's OK to leave before you head out." I said, "I didn't know I had to ask your permission to go home."

He apologized the next day, likely because the assistant editor on that night, who was one of only a few editors I actually liked, called him out on it.

In another instance, I was taking my lunch break in the kitchenette area with my co-worker when an editor scolded us for chatting. This was also on a night shift. He said, "If you're going to laugh and be loud you can go back to your desk and have lunch there while working." I said, "I'm not going back to my desk until I've taken my full 30-minute lunch break." He walked away, leaving us heated for the rest of the night. It may sound odd to many when I write this but taking lunch breaks around there was not common for all of the reporters. For the first year at this company, we were sort of afraid to take a proper lunch break. And by "we" I mean the women who I trained with. Most people sat at their desks and had lunch while working. It was the strangest thing. Eventually, I got fed up with the whole "hold your head down and just work" intimidation and started leaving the office to take my full break.

I know y'all are like get to the really good sh*t, so here it goes.

When the pandemic broke out in March 2020 and started spreading in NYC like wildfire, my job was one of the LAST companies to allow employees to work from home. When everyone around us had for the most part sent their employees home and shut down their offices, we were being told that we would still be coming into work. My editor even told me at one point that she "wasn't going to let a virus take down my empire." Imagine that. Imagine what went through my mind when she basically implied that nothing mattered to her more than her empire. Sheesh. Fast forward a week later, the company all of a sudden switched up and started allowing us to work from home.

And guess who was the LAST reporter allowed to work from home. That's right, me. So, on March 17, I was the only reporter in the entire building working from the office. And honestly, I think the only reason we were granted access to work from home was because during this unnecessary fight to keep employees in the office, one of my co-workers had tested positive for COVID-19. I got a call from "the boss" the next day saying that I may have been compromised because I had been sitting next to her when she was having symptoms. And sure enough, guess who fell ill with COVID-19 early on. That's right, me. And not only me, my husband, Bryce, who nearly died. When I told my editors how sick Bryce was, do you think anyone went above and beyond to make sure we were OK? Do you think anyone sent us anything or gave me a few days off without me having to ask? No. But I, just like my coworkers, did receive an email about our pay being docked due to the impacts of COVID-19 on the economy and ultimately the company.

Two months later and George Floyd took his last breath under the knee of a white cop in Minneapolis. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Companies were giving their Black employees mental health days to recover from what the world had just witnessed. The same companies were putting out statements (internal and external) about standing in solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement and against police brutality, racism and racial injustice. Companies started making moves to have uncomfortable conversations about racism in America and giving their Black employees the space to attempt to heal from the trauma.

Do you want to know what the company I worked for did? Nothing on their own volition. It wasn't until I met with my editor along with a few other Black and Brown folks in the office that this company made a move. In my first meeting with my editor about a week after Floyd's death, I asked why the company had remained silent on condemning racism and demanded the company at least release a statement internally so that its Black and Brown employees would know they had the support of the company. I was told, "I'll see what I can do, but you know how the company is and operates." I said, "That's the problem." Nothing came of that conversation. During my second conversation with my editor, and after discussions with the same group of Black and Brown employees, I pitched the idea of having a news desk that focused on Black stories and issues. This desk would have included an editor, me, a deputy editor, and two reporters, similar to how our health desk is run. That idea was shot down almost immediately. During that same conversation, I asked my editor on behalf of myself and the same group of co-workers, if the company would be willing to fundraise for nonprofit organizations fighting for police reform and racial justice. She agreed to that, and we ended up raising more than $20,000 that went to organizations like the Color of Change and the Trans Advocacy Network. That was great and all but me and this group of co-workers weren't satisfied. We asked for anti-racism trainings, diversity and inclusion trainings, among others, and got radio silence. We sent letters, and even got others to write letters on our behalf asking for the news desk we had pitched and the trainings. Nothing. No one emailed us back.

Months went by and "the boss" didn't send emails to check on his Black and Brown employees, during what many were calling a time when we were fighting against two pandemics: racism and COVID-19. Radio silence. But just as soon as "the boss" was ready for us to come into the office, guess what we got. An email, you guessed right! Not only did we get an email, we got the email just a few days before some of us were scheduled to come in. No time to prepare if you had children and no time to mentally force yourself back into a world that had just tried to gobble us all up.

Now, I'm sure some of you are like what in the hell took you so long to quit Val. The answer is simple: survival. When I first came to NYC in 2014, I barely had $100 in my banking account. Bryce had already traveled to NYC to start working a job that only covered the cost of two monthly metro cards and groceries. He eventually got a great job at a nonprofit that still wasn't paying that much, and I started working for the aforementioned company. Just like everybody else, we were paying too much for rent, covering our other bills and just trying to live. I wanted to quit this job during my first year there, but Bryce proposed to me in 2016 and I felt like I couldn't just leave. We were doing OK, but not OK enough to pay for a wedding. We saved for two years and in 2018, we got married. By that time, we were so behind on bills due to wedding costs that we played catch-up for nearly a year, taking us into 2019, when our landlord decided he wanted to move his family into our apartment and gave us 30 days to get out. Not to mention, my husband had at least one surgery per year between 2016-2020 that put him out of work. In February 2020, I was offered a job that I didn't think would've been much better than the company I was already working for, so I turned them down. Instead, I asked the company I was working for to match the other company's offer, and they did. I received a pay raise and the title of "senior reporter." Now, the funny thing is about this senior reporter title is that I had asked in 2019 about the process to become an editor during my evaluation that October, when I was told that my work was exceptional. A few of my co-workers had hyped me up about it and was like "you should totally be an editor." Keep in mind that there were NO BLACK EDITORS at that point, nor were there any AMERICAN EDITORS (There's still no Black editors or editors of color as of May 2021 when I left). During my evaluation, I was told that being an editor was a very intense job (I mean obviously). I was also told to think about what it would take to become an editor, but I was never offered a senior reporter position or as I like to call it, promoted. It wasn't until I threatened to leave the company in February 2020 that I was given the senior reporter title and the pay raise, despite having trained more than 20 reporters WITHOUT EXTRA PAY between 2017-2020. I'd be remiss if I didn't note that during the evaluation period in October 2019, a white woman who had barely been at the company for a year was promoted to senior reporter over me. The problem is I didn't find that out until 2020 around the time when I was considering taking the position at the other publication.

Fast forward to April 2021, when we were all asked to come back to the office once again, I told my husband I couldn't possibly go back to an office and be around people who resist change and have the mindset of doing things “as we’ve always done.” Bryce looked at me and said, "I've been telling you for years to quit, but you never do, and I get it things popped up and we had a wedding, but what's stopping you now?"

I told him, "Say no more," and put in my two-week notice the next day. My last day was May 11 and I feel nothing but peace and positivity surrounding me as I look forward to my next adventure. So, with all of that being said, I know everyone can't quit their jobs like I did, and I'm certainly not advising it.

I do recommend that you start preparing your exit plan (if you haven't already) if you're feeling drained, burned out and unappreciated by your current place of employment. Because these types of spaces and situations can take a toll on your mental health. It absolutely took a toll on mine. There were days where I didn’t want to get out of bed, days that I took my frustrations out on my husband, days where I didn’t want to be bothered by anyone, all because I hated working at my former job.

During the years working for that particular company, I did try to balance the bad with some good by doing volunteer work in and around New York City. Seeing the impact I made on the lives of others, coupled with the support from friends and my husband, really kept me sane. And working from home last year certainly put a lot of things in perspective for me, with the main revelation being that I should start my own company.

If you have a business idea or venture, start putting it together while you’re working at your current place of employment. Allow those who don't appreciate or value a good employee to pay for your dreams until you're ready to step out on your own. That's exactly what I did and I'm super excited to be launching my business soon!

It's a lot easier said than done, and by no means did my exit plan take me a few months or a year. It took me quite a while, but everyone's situation is different. So, take a moment to reflect on what it is that you really want; the one thing that you know will make you happy. And then go for it. Take baby steps if you need too, or if you're in a better position than others, take a giant leap of faith.

There's way too much talent in this world for careless companies to be holding onto exceptional employees, especially when these entities aren't putting any good back into the universe.

And while you’re making your moves, saving up money, and getting things in order, don’t forget to celebrate each of your successes, big or small. It’s time to put you first.