I'm Willing to Wait For It

The very first time I watched Hamilton was late December 2020. It is now late March 2021 and I've watched it 5 times and spent many hours listening to the soundtrack. It appeared on Disney Plus™ in July and I was unsure about watching it. I'm not American, I live on a small island off the North West coast of Scotland. I didn't think I'd understand the story because of my lack of knowledge about American history. I know now that I shouldn't have hesitated.

2020 was a rough year for me, as it was for most people. I lost my father suddenly last May, due to Covid restrictions I didn't get to say a proper goodbye. A few months later in August my grandmother died, her death was less sudden and she died at home, a comfort to my family. It wasn't long after this that I began to question myself. My mental health, not on steady ground to begin with, took a massive blow. So at the ripe age of 23 I was unhappy in my work, I worked to live, I felt unfulfilled and I couldn't figure out which new avenue to follow. I still don't. I've tried to explain it to my family, friends, even my therapist, to the point where i don't want to talk about it anymore because it feels like a bother. I started a degree several years ago but realised quickly that it wasn't for me and came back home. I then started an apprenticeship which led to full-time employment, and I'm grateful to be in the position I'm in. But my life lacks purpose. What is it that I'm supposed to do? When do I figure it out? How do I figure it out? I realised that a degree was not the pathway i wanted to follow but it would probably the one I would end up following because it's the easiest thing to do to progress in any career. Don't get me wrong, I won't be modest and say that I'm not smart enough, because that would be a lie. I could go get a degree but I'm not motivated to do so.

The past few months the only time I have felt an ounce of motivation came when I watched or listened to Hamilton and it was fuelled by envy. I am envious of each and every person in the story because they show the sheer amount of work and change one person could make when the world was simpler. I hear the accomplishments of Alexander and Eliza Hamilton, Aaron Burr, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and James Madison, to name a few, and I am filled with a great need to do something. Anything. The sudden urge hits to find my purpose in life. For just a moment in that bubble, there's endless opportunities. I can take myself back to when every little thing was brand new. A time of firsts. When the music stops I'm back in a world that is monotonous and predictable. The music ends and I'm back in the world where nothing is new and everything has already been discovered.

In the last song of the musical i envy no one more than Eliza Hamilton. A woman who experienced a great love and a great loss. Now where I live isn't stuck in the fifties but a lot of people here do tend to follow the whole marry young and have kids thing. It's not a future I see for myself but I hope one day, like Eliza, to experience a great love. But I will never match up to her or the other historic figures represented in the musical. All the things Eliza did, even long after Hamilton had died. She raised eight children, started an orphanage, helped James Madison's wife raise money for the Washington Memorial and lived until the age of 97 in 1854, an accomplishment in itself. That song left me envious of the time that they lived through. A time when firsts were in abundance and there were things, people and places to still be discovered.

This interpretation of Alexander Hamilton's life has taught me to look at the world differently. I see loyalty, success, freedom differently. Now I'm not Alexander or Eliza. I'll never do anything for the first time. I’ll never discover something new. I'll never reach the heights of greatness that they reached. No one will write about me. I will live and be forgotten. But maybe for now I'll be like Aaron Burr, I'm willing to wait for it.

D.Mac