I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere.

Okay here we go. I'm turning 20 this June and all the feelings started creeping in on me way too soon, the bad ones of course. Now I know i'm supposed to be thrilled and on my way planning out some cool ass life-changing party, be prepared to get drunk get laid typa thing but confusion somehow got the best of me. I'm stuck in between 19 and 20 as you can already tell, it feels STRESSFUL like you know shit's bout to go serious but you don't know where to start and how to deal with it, within this period you will come into realization that you have no choice but to be independent someday and in order to reach there you gotta start looking for jobs by working your ass off for uncertainty first. "You will get somewhere if you just keep trying" well sure okay cool yet the thing is life is way much crueler then you think, have you ever felt like no matter how hard you tried to escape the situation all the hard work you put in somehow just ended up in vain? It's like you starved yourself long enough til you're bout to die just for a decent dinner which turned out to be a disaster because the greens in your salad you ordered are withered, the chicken breast is overcooked and the caesar sauce is way too salty. You had a bad day thanks to the shitty salad and everything you want is to surrender and let go but can you? Deep down you know you're not gonna lose faith in this whole "salad-seeking adventure" bc you are not raised to be a coward and more over - you know you can't live without it and you most definitely are going to regret without trying, even tho the uncertainty of ever finding a decent and the right one is racking up like a god damn mountain before your eyes, there's just no room for giving up. This idea freaks me out, am I ever going to pull it? Will I even make it til the end? God only knows, if you're feeling the same way, i feel sorry to tell you this, i don't think i can help you bc i myself don't even have an answer yet, the only way i could make you feel less shitty is writing this down and letting you know that it's totally cool to go thru this chaotic phase, you are not alone as long as i'm still alive. Let's get back to the subject, there's a myth called "The curse of nine" in ancient Chinese culture, it basically indicates that you will encounter unusual bad luck whenever the last number of a certain time period you are in ends up with the number nine, which means you will be especially unlucky at 9, 19, 29, 39 so on so forth. It sounds crazy to me at first but as i grow older it kinda makes sense in a creepy way, 2019 has been the craziest year to me so far and the whole "19 situation" is even tougher then i could ever imagine, all kinds of feelings like fear, depression, euphoria suddenly hit in all at once and caught me off guard like a tsunami, the only thing i could do is to find my way out like Tom Hanks in "Cast Away" and forget about the rescue chopper that's never going to come if i don't want to starve to death and die alone for being stuck on the top of the building. The journey is not going to be easy, there's no guarantee that the tsunami will never hit again but i know deep down that once you conquer your fear and make it out alive, you will be stronger then you ever were, you will be prepared and you will feel the excitement flowing into your body from head to toe instead of fear the next time it hits.