I Have Low Expectations for 2021

Do you know where I spent most of my 2020? Laying in my bed. I had high hopes of this year being the best one yet. I started working for myself at the end of 2019, and it looked like I'd start making a profit by the end of 2020.

I had wedding plans, honeymoon plans, and travel plans. I expected 2020 to be the best year I ever had. I went on a cruise with my fiance and family this year, giving me false hope of future travels!

But then the pandemic hit, and everything stopped. Money stopped flowing in with my writing. My wedding got canceled with no chance of it being rescheduled. I found myself struggling mentally and financially. Having COVID for a month was the least of my problems.

I ended up lying in bed more than anything else in 2020. As the US got crazier, my hopes faded. And I found myself wondering if coming home from China was a mistake after all. I'm worse off now than what I ever was there.

My depression had a grip so tight I wondered if I could ever get out of it. And because of that, my expectations for 2021 aren't high at all.

I'm not going to be getting what I missed out on in 2020. I already know that. I'm not going to be making up for a lost year. Instead, I'll keep moving forward and hope something changes for the better.

In 2021, I hope to make the income I can make to work for myself, even if writing ends up not being the answer for me. I hope I can find something so I never have to work for another human being again. My last job drained me. Working for myself is breaking me. Here's to hoping I can keep working on getting the relief I need to keep going.

I hope my fiance finds the strength to forgive himself. I hope one day, he recognizes that not every person would be willing to cross an ocean for him. I hope he can move on from the guilt he feels from the past to find happiness for himself in the future.

I hope my country understands that it's not taking away our freedom to take care of one another. That if we all take part, we can get through hardships together. We shouldn't leave anyone behind. We need to do what we can to heal and unlearn awful thoughts and habits from the past.

I hope the world finds it in their hearts to forgive my country for its selfishness. I don't know how the rest of the world will see us after all of this mess is over. We may not have the same privileges we had before. I sincerely hope we work with the world to repair the reputation we destroyed. I hope we come out of this better than before.

But it's not enough to hope for all of this to happen. As much as I want to see my job start helping me make more money, I know I have to do the work to get there. My fiance has to want to work to heal himself before he can move on from his past. My country has to acknowledge we did some awful things, and the world has to be willing to give us a chance to show we changed.

At this point, baby steps are important. Baby steps can help us get there. We can't cross the ocean before we step over the puddle. We all need patience. We all need kindness. We all need hope.

All I ask of 2021 is to renew my hope in everything. My dreams need hope to be fulfilled. Love can't thrive without hope. Impossible things wouldn't happen if there weren't hope to make it so.

I hope 2021 is a series of baby steps to help us get to where we need to be. We need hope and healing more than we ever have in the past. We need to grasp it and keep moving forward.