I Am My Own Hero

Can you remember a time when you felt helpless?

I do. I felt helpless on multiple occasions. I was hopeless, kicked when already down. I was humiliated and I just wanted to give up. Many times.

I am an alcoholic. There I've said it. Every Wednesday at my women's AA group I am reminded of the past that I have been through: I've been emotionally, physically and psychologically abused for many years. I used to pity myself as every alcoholic or addict does. So I kept on drinking.

I am nearly 2 years sober now and I've realized that every Wednesday I am not actually reminded of my traumatic past, but instead, I am reminded that I can overcome almost every and any obstacle as long as I set my mind.

I know that no matter how unbearable a situation may initially seem: I have the power to do something about it — unleash my inner heroine.

I have spent a great deal of time waiting around for someone to save me: be it my friends, family or my partner. I used to sit for hours crying, "a damsel in distress", waiting for a white knight to swoop in and save the day, to save me from everything that is making me unhappy, but somehow it turned out that it is not the way life works.

I know now that nobody is coming to save me.

That doesn’t mean that I can’t be saved, though.

I realized that love can save me. Kind people and gestures can save me. Faith can save me. But no matter what happens — it will be always up to me to save myself.

I've realized that I am surrounded by heroes. Lately, I’ve seen many of my closest friends — being their own heroes, and it’s been very inspiring. One of my best friends is taking on a 3rd job to provide for his sick stepsister. His father has abandoned her, so her step-brother, my friend, is taking on the responsibility of his own father.

My colleague has stopped smoking weed. He has been using weed as a form of escapism from everything that he has been experiencing. He has found the inner power to step up to his in-laws and his wife because of the emotional abuse that he has been experiencing. He is getting a divorce.

Just recently my good friend died. She was only 27-years-old. She had no previous health issues. Her death came as a great shock to all of us. I will never forget that morning they informed me of her death — I was just about to go to a business meeting when my phone vibrated, delivering the mournful news. I could not believe it, and I didn’t want to.

She was supposed to marry one of my other friends. They were supposed to have a long future together. They were supposed to have children. I was supposed to be the maid of honour.

My friend was supposed to laugh at my wedding. Our kids were supposed to play together. She was supposed to grow old. All of this was not supposed to happen. But it didn't.

I use this word a lot: supposed to. I am grieving, and therefore I am using this word over and over again.

My partner has recently lost his child in the custody battle. He was supposed to provide his child with a better life, with more options. We were supposed to be together. The three of us. I've seen him fight day and night for two years for the brighter future of our family, for his child to have a better childhood than he has ever had. The courts unfortunately favour mothers.

It’s a tough world out there — and it can be very tempting to sit back and complain, to bathe in the negativity and just settle for whatever comes along. It's so easy to pick up that first drink and so hard to put it down.

I’ve caught myself giving up on the fight. I whined, cried, and self-pitied myself. I even blamed others for my misery. I did not truly realize that I am living among heroes until I’ve stepped back from the overwhelm of the situations and saw that everyone’s journey has obstacles — and so does mine.

For years I have been waiting, hoping, and wishing for someone to save me.

But now I finally stopped dreaming of that day and took control of what was a cause of negativity in my life. I didn’t know how strong I was until I faced the challenges. Rather than waiting for life to inevitably test me with hardships, I can save a lot of time and pain by learning to be my own hero. And that's what I did.

I stopped waiting.

For a long time, I knew I had a toxic relationship with alcohol and I was sitting around waiting for something to happen. I would periodically stop drinking, enrol in CBT therapy, read a book on alcohol addiction but I would not put in a ton of effort. Back then, my sobriety lasted about 2 weeks before I slipped back into my old bad usual habit.

It wasn’t until I fully understood that my addiction is not going away that I enrolled myself in rehab. I got to a point when I finally realized: no one is going to save me. I had to take control of this myself.

Today I am sober and I am helping others tackle their addictions. I lead classes for people who are tackling the same problem I've had.

Whatever bad is happening to me — I know I can always do something about it.

I took action. I knew I had to make changes. I wasn’t getting anywhere but frustrated as I sat behind my desk in the UK while imagining my future elsewhere in Europe. I've worked for the biggest corporations in the video games industry, but I knew that these jobs weren't for me anymore. I was motivated by money, not purpose. My tasks were to make the video games more engaging and addictive to their players and I felt like I was a legal drug dealer myself.

So I took matters into my own hands. I stopped working in the video games industry and together with my partner moved abroad. Today I am teaching video games marketing but most of my days I spend writing.

If I had never taken that first step — other things would not come to light and I would have waited for years to live my dream. I took action and did what I had to do to make things happen. I am a long way from becoming a famous writer, but I am trying. I am broke but I am not giving up.

I know that trying and failing is always better than doing nothing.

For two years I've been separated from my family. Due to the pandemic, I was unable to visit them. It's been hard for me. When my dog died just a few months back I had to share the news via phone: my sister disconnected soon after. What comfort could we give each other when we are 2,000 miles far from each other?

This Christmas I am visiting my family, no more waiting.

Sometimes the pain in life seems like too much to bear. There are days when I just want to give up. I cry in despair talking to my deceased mother — asking her guidance. She never responds.

On those lonely and desperate days, I feel like giving up on my dreams. I am exhausted from waiting for my fairytale happy ending. The one I imagined when I was a child.

I had it all planned out when I was 17. I planned my future but death and the corona pandemic happened. And death never comes empty-handed, it gives lessons. It guided me and ultimately showed me how to live better and with purpose.

All that happended in the last year reminded me how it feels and what it means to be alive in the first place.

I've learned to love more. I was faced with mortality, and it helped me get my priorities straight. I asked questions: “What am I doing with my life? And if I died tomorrow, would I have any regrets ?”

I started living with purpose: doing what truly matters to me and is in alignment with my values and beliefs.

I show and give love more often. All that has happened to me has taught me to appreciate love and show it more often. I am treasuring the moments with my loved ones because I know how painful it would be if I lost them. I don’t let a day pass without letting them know my feelings and how grateful I am to have them. I don’t hold back my feelings because I know the weight and burden of leaving words unsaid. The only thing that remains when someone in your life is gone is the memories. Therefore, I have learnt the importance of creating memories while I still have people who matter in my life.

The interesting thing about death is that it doesn’t always choose to take those who are “old”, “ready” or in poor health. When my grandparents departed, I grieved, but it didn’t come to me as a shock and didn’t leave such an emotional impact as the death of my friend, my mother, my dog.

I used to think I have plenty of time, but I don’t.

It’s this false sense of time that has kept me unhappy; holding on to mindless jobs, staying in passionless relationships, drinking and stopping the pursuit of my true dreams.

After my friend died, I created a unique support group, which comprises a list of her friends and her fiancé. We are a group of 36 strangers, united with a goal to support each other and her fiancé in a time of great need. Daily he shares his grief with us, in a form of his thoughts, fears and memories of his beloved partner. We listen.

The most worthwhile things in life are difficult.

I think about drinking often. But I have spent so much time and hard work creating a new future for myself. When I am thinking about quitting, I think about why I started. I time travel and envision the day when I will look back to this "unbearable" day and know that pushing past that day will be the best decision ever.

And it can only happen if I do not quit. Anything is possible if I am ready to put in the hard work and never give up. I realized that making dreams happen is hard. It’s supposed to test me repeatedly. So I keep going, even when I don’t see any change at all.

I believe in my dreams, my vision, and I keep going. I am a warrior who faces challenges and stays strong. Who looks death into the eye and isn't afraid anymore.

I can’t change the past, but I can influence my future by dealing with the current challenges in my life with a different outlook. I can face those challenges by taking one small extra step every day.

I am proud of what I have already achieved.

Instead of being my worst critic, I celebrate myself and my accomplishments. Looking back, nothing has happened in my life that I haven’t been able to get through. However, I didn’t think I have the mental strength. Until I started exercising it — like a muscle. As a result, I can now approach challenges and look at them through a positive lens.

Just today in the morning I felt like I giving up a fight — again. But the human spirit is so powerful, and there is only one reason I don’t give up. There is only one belief that sits in the back of my mind that keeps me going day after day.

I have hope.

There is always something that I hope for. I hope for change. I hope for strength. I hope for love. I hope that things won’t be as hard as they’ve always been.

To me, hope means not giving up. It means constantly seeking an alternative way. It means looking deep within myself to find what exactly it is that seems lacking.

In becoming a new version of myself, there are moments when I doubt myself. However, I remember that tough times aren’t meant to destroy me. Rather, they are there to encourage me to rise up and step into my power.

Finding happiness isn’t a walk in the park.

If I can’t find a way, then I make the way.

In times of doubt and despair I remind myself:

"I am my own Hero."

And I keep going forward...