How To Stop Romanticizing the People Who Hurt You

People Pleasers- Empaths- Anxiously Attached, and anyone else this may apply to- I'm calling us all out for one of our most toxic tendencies.

In honor of Valentines day,

I want to talk about how we romanticize allllll the wrong things, and how to redirect all of that romantic energy toward something good. Because we all deserve more good.

Whether it's a bad friend, a boundary-less family member, a stranger who just cat-called you on the street, or a loved one that just keeps hurting your feelings-

I'm here to tell You- you loving, caring, brave, and big soul, that you are officially relieved of the role of devil's advocate. I'm not saying that witnessing someone causing us or others pain and immediately running to defend them, to explain their actions, and to find a way to love the human behind the bad behavior is... bad, per say, but-

Renowned Psychologist, B.F. Skinner said:

"Properly used, positive reinforcement is extremely powerful"

And I think we need to put a bit more emphasis on that first part.

What I am saying is that all of that yummy good positive energy you are wasting trying to paint someone else's picture for them is most definitely better spent elsewhere.

SO, as promised, here are a few tricks to get you started on the path of re-purposing all of those good vibes for, well, good :)

First- Learn to recognize when coming to others defense is helpful, versus when it is not.

Ask yourself:

• What would I tell a friend who was dealing with someone like____?
• Would____ do this for me?

If you still feel the urge to put them on a pedestal after answering those questions... stay with me, we will get through this.

Next- Call yourself out ! Yep ! Say it out loud.

Here are some starter phrases for you to practice saying out loud whenever you are leaning into your role of *Defender of the Bullies* a little too hard.

• "Only ____ can speak for themselves"
• "_____ would not defend me like this."
• "I am capable of seeing the positive in anything."

That last one's important. Because at the end of the day this is all about your power. If you can romanticize someone hurtful, you can romanticize aaaanything - and as I said, V-day is coming up so - let's get *romantic*

Now ask the question: "Who (or what) in my life could benefit from this positive energy instead of ____ ?"

Because man, oh, man- there are some truly GOOD a** people who are in need of those positive vibes. And that brings us back to that B.F. Skinner quote, doesn't it ?

"Properly used, positive reinforcement is extremely powerful"

!!!! Properly Used !!!!

So, what do we do with all of this positive energy we are no longer going to use on the ones that hurt us ?!

We're redirecting the heck out of it.

We are taking all of those excuses we made, all of the acts of service, the gift giving, the empathy and the words of affirmation, elsewhere.

And where is the best place to start?

Ideally, we start with You.

All of that extra energy transfers to you- your life, body, mind, soul, your dreams and goals and day-to day joy. Do it for you. It may sound daunting but, this is actually the fun part. Here's a few tips when it comes to loving yourself up that I hope you use in the coming days.

• Gratitude - I like to do this by journaling about everything and making clear statements about 3 things I am grateful for a day, It can be anything. Just keep it precise
• Creative Expression - Ok so once you stop wasting your positive energy you are going to have a lot of excess- you need to find a way to get it out. Whether it's dancing around the room like a maniac for 10 minutes, or writing an entire novel, you're using that energy for something productive and moving forward !
• Talking to Loved Ones (not about ____) - Give someone else an ounce of the time and attention that you were previously giving to them. Notice how much else there is to discuss and laugh about. Let yourself smile.
• Notice- you feel fulfilled instead of drained. You have moved your life back onto its best path. Write that down in your gratitude journal because SHWEW that is not easy.

And remember--

Any time you want to explain the humanity behind someone's cruelty-

The things that we allow ourselves to think about for too long become our reality. That person you spend so much time trying to explain to yourself has become the main character of your head and (I'm sorry but someone has to say it) and they don't deserve that role !

You do. The people who are clear in their intentions toward you do. The people not intent on misunderstanding you do. Your hopes and dreams and plans for the day deserve to take up as much of that energy as you have.

And if focusing on yourself is just too cringe-worthy, I get it:

Your mail or delivery person? They could use the hype.

Your friend or sibling or neighbor could use the hype.

Your partner who is always there for you and loves you at your worst could definitely use the hype.

You see where I'm going.

The challenge is above all- to romanticize yourself and those who help heal you (the main characters of your life) and to ultimately let the ones who hurt you drop to the way side. They are just a B- Story- You're the whole kit and kaboodle.