How to Motivate Yourself to Change

Change is hard, and we've all tried to change something about ourselves or others. I am going to take you on my personal journey on how I overcame myself in order to live a more fulfilling, less anxious life.

I was raised around neglectful and abusive environments and situations. It affected me deeply and I had put up a wall over the years. I used to be easily offended, reminded of my parent's often criticism. Hurt easily by other people's actions. My deep self hatred and perfectionistic tendencies got me in trouble emotionally, as I felt strong attachments to people that hurt me. I later learned that I am an empath.

I got pregnant at 18 with a boyfriend I had only been with a few months. My birth control pill failed. I kept the baby, despite my boyfriend's initial protests. After a few months, he came around. Or, so I thought. Six months after our son was born he fell into a deep depression, dragging me down with him. Our relationship became emotionally abusive. I was constantly anxious, on edge, and putting up a wall around people. At work, I was happy and sociable. I have to be, working as a restaurant manager. At the grocery store, I was polite and smiled to the cashier. At my family's house, I was the same as I always was. Except I wasn't.

Something in me felt broken. Like I had a broken spirit or a bruised soul. I put up a front around people, but on the inside I felt eternally useless. Had I ruined my boyfriend's life? He told me so, after all.

We eventually took a six month break at some point after a couple years of going in circles where I felt like doodoo because nobody had cared for me with the empathy I put out for them my entire life. During that break, both of us took a hard look at ourselves. He started going to therapy online

(BTW Please check out https://rethinkmytherapy.com/ if you can't pay crazy money for therapy and need another option, I pay $60 a month and get a weekly therapy session with someone licensed I chose and love)

Anyways, he was in therapy during the six month period, where he dug through his issues and discovered the root cause of his anger as being from pain and suffering that was unresolved from his childhood. He felt that his life was a waste too, because his parents were helicopter parents who didn't teach him how to work for things or let him control his life, and immediately when he has the opportunity to leave their presence, we met and conceived our son. He felt like he was going insane dealing with the overwhelm of everything too.

So, we talked out our issues in a long eight hour conversation one day right before we got back together. I did what most sane people wouldn't do and forgave him for taking his anger issues out on me and planting a seed of toxicity in our relationship. We have not had a serious argument since this conversation several years ago and our son is happy and healthy and growing like a weed.

The reason I am telling you this is because during this six month break, I did a ton of research on self development and care, rewiring your brain, yadayada and invested heavily into that every time my son was away on the weekends with dad or after he was asleep at night. The number one thing I kept reading at the time was to try meditation.

I downloaded some meditation apps and made a habit to smoke a bowl to chill every night and do a deep, hour long guided meditation practice (or a few five minute sessions spaced out) and my God, it is probably the single most important thing I have ever done for myself. I have learned more about myself through meditation than anything life has taught me.

My favorite: https://simplehabit.com/

Meditating was hard at first. My brain was like a knotted up ball of yarn with constant worries floating around. The first step for me was becoming aware of my thoughts and placing them into categories, positive or negative. No other judgement about the thoughts that pop up. I realized that probably 90% of my thinking was negative or self critical in some way. Wow dude.

Once I realized that, I began to consciously replace my negative thoughts with positive ones. I felt absolutely silly and ridiculous at first, but then I realized that it is another judgement of myself and let go. I made a point and still do; every time I recognize a negative thought, I think about something positive to counteract it.

For example

Thought: Whyyy does my day have to start out so horrible?

Counterthought: The universe is testing me today, and I accept this challenge.

Thought: I have a giant ugly pimple.

Counterthought: On the bright side, I love my hair today.

Once you can change your negativity bias through this practice, you will feel much more motivated and confident that you can actually change your life and move past your trauma. I promise you. It helps to leave sticky notes for yourself in places as well to reaffirm positive thinking. I also downloaded an awesome app called I Am, that sends you positive affirmations as often as you'd like.

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.hrd.iam&hl=en_US&gl=US

After you master meditation and positive thinking, you are ready to move into the active phase of self growth, which is challenging yourself. I have some anxiety, so what I did to challenge myself and become more comfortable in my own skin was to do things purposefully that would make me anxious.

Easy, easy, easy to start. I had to start with waving at someone from inside of my car while I was driving. Then I escalated, I was sweaty as hell but I asked the cashier at Publix how her day was going so far. We ended up having a nice conversation, and by the end I walked out proud of myself, something I was not at all used to but definitely wanted more of.

So challenge yourself! Do things you do not want to do. The feeling of being proud of yourself is pretty good. The more effort you put into yourself and the more you invest in your mind and your thinking habits, the more it will pay off over time. Another super important thing to help you take off on your journey of motivating yourself to change is to forgive your mistakes. Don't be so hard on yourself. Try to love yourself like the person that you love the most in the world, and one day soon, you will find healing and growth.