How to Motivate Yourself Instead of Criticizing Yourself

I always wanted to do things “right.” I was a small child in front of the room, raising a hand for all the questions. I really liked to force myself to succeed and I beg.

My driving to perfection was an advantage through college and law school. I got a good grade and got a big, hard job and got out of school. But that same drive drove me straight to the doctor's office at twenty-five, where I was found to be very depressed.

Then, like any good person, I worked hard to overcome my depression, so that I could be more perfect. I’m a Cookie Monstered personal growth, strongly emphasizing books, lectures, retreats, and training.

Have you ever ridden in a boat, only to find that it was empty for a while?

When I thought of committing suicide thirty years after giving birth to my daughter, my hard drive stopped. My desire for perfection had driven me to the depths of despair after childbirth.

My thoughts were no longer my own, and for the first time in my life I was afraid of what was going on in my head. Something had to move.

So I embarked on a new journey, designed to discover (in fact at this time) how to alleviate the daily suffering I knew I was causing myself. What I learned changed my whole life. But I go ahead.

Let me pass you on my journey. Maybe you can find out something about yourself while you are on the road.

Motivation or Motivation - That's the question

Like all good journeys, mine begins with the hero (to me) and the evil one (my inner criticism voice). Now, that “little word” to me was not a small thing at all. It was very similar to Stay Puft Marshmallow Man at Ghostbusters, which he said with horrible eyes.

One day I decided to turn to my Mean Marshmallow Man Voice and ask him questions. Why should I be perfect? Why do you always criticize me?

"Because you're not perfect." It means, in a hoarse voice. "You're not going ..." and then proceeded to sort out about 2,000 things I could not do, be, say or do.

But then, as I illustrated the 2,000, I began to think of someone who would do all those things. Who would this person be, this complete version of mine? Let's name her Perfect Lauren.

Let's see. The perfect Lauren will never let the clothes in her apartment pile up, even if the post does not read. Perfect Lauren wouldn’t spend hours watching The Walking Dead or opening Facebook. The perfect Lauren would work every day, in the morning, before work.

The perfect Lauren could have eaten very well and skipped the Starbucks, no matter how much she liked Salted Carmel Mochas. The perfect Lauren will have perfect meditation every day.

I have seen my whole life shine before my eyes, one long comparison to Perure Lauren and one failure to measure long. Do I think that by self-deprecating enough, one day I will be Perfect Lauren? One day I will end up being the great mother of dreams who would always be “with her”?

I soon realized that my big drive, which had allowed me to be so successful, was not the drive for the happiness I was looking for. I wasn’t driving to anything. I was driving leaving something.

I drove myself to avoid feeling embarrassed, self-conscious, and self-loathing. I drove myself to entertain the Mean Marshmallow Man Voice. I drove myself to avoid hating myself.

Why do you do things? Do you exercise, eat well, study, or work hard because you love yourself and want the best for yourself? Or do you do these things to avoid embarrassment and self-criticism?

I have spent my whole life encouraging myself carelessly. And then I paid the price.

Why It Is Hard to Change

When I realized how much I was comparing myself to Perure Lauren, I tried to quit. It seems easy. Just stop doing it.

But the harder I tried, the more I succumbed to the same fervor as Dr. Seuss of my self-hatred by trying not to hate myself. My former coach used to call that a “double tackle,” because he was attacked in any way.

To learn in the end how I can change this, I first had to ask myself… why? And yes, I know I'm starting to sound like Yoda, but follow me here.

Why did I need to compare myself to Perure Lauren? Why was it important? As I pulled the strings, I discovered a painful truth.

I compare myself to Perfect Lauren because somewhere in my mind I believe Perfect Lauren finds love. The real Lauren doesn’t. So I have to keep pushing myself to be the Perfect Lauren, until I accept the real Lauren.

Okay, that sounds ridiculous. If you highlight the myth, it can sometimes look like a big dog with tangled fur, all wrinkled and stupid. I can't believe that at all.

I believe Lauren who leaves clothes on the floor and loses a toothbrush cap deserves love! Lauren who hates freeing up a dishwasher and losing bills in a pile of mail, also deserves love!

How Can You Turn Yourself Down?

Have you ever wanted something endless and realized that it was sitting right in front of your face? It turns out that the solution to my self-criticism and comparisons was very simple - start to love yourself more.

Now loving Real Lauren, who has all the flaws, is not easy. But I try.

Instead of being forced to deal with shame, hatred, and self-loathing, I learn to encourage myself with praise. Instead of intimidating myself, I work hard.

And that has changed everything. I actually do a lot with good intentions. And most importantly, I feel better about what I do. I am happier, calmer, and at peace with myself.

If you want to change your self-esteem and free yourself from the violence of your Mean Marshmallow Man, stop trying to fix yourself and start trying to love yourself.

Here's an effective way to put this into practice in your life.