How to Let Go of the Habit

I don’t know about you, but I’ve realized that historically, I’ve been more cruel than anyone else has ever been — and I’ve been in my own abusive relationship.

I have held to my unreasonable standards, forced myself to be and do my best, and blamed myself for minor mistakes, as if I did not deserve my respect or empathy. As a result of this emotional abuse, I ended up abusing myself physically, with bulimia, binge drinking, and smoking - all in an effort to alleviate my excruciating pain with my inner voice punishing me.

I know I'm not alone in this. And I know that it is not our fault that we are destined to behave in such a cruel way, but it is our job to see the wounds that form and to heal.

The first step is to understand why we judge ourselves and when, and from there we take steps to change the way we speak to ourselves - which will ultimately change the way we behave. Now why do we judge ourselves?

8 Reasons to Judge for Ourselves

1. We have an idea in our heads of who we are and where we think we should be, and we criticize ourselves when our truth is not balanced - as if we are the only ones responsible for everything we feel in life.

In a world with strong definitions of success and constant exposure to the common good, it is easy to believe that you are failing and that you are failing - and that is your fault.

Especially if you live in an independent culture, like the US, you may not believe you need to be special, self-made, to pull yourself up with bootstraps and succeed on a grand scale - with endless #nofilter selfies to prove you are living a healthy life.

Also, realize that we alone are not to blame for our “success.” There are many factors beyond our control, and we all have different advantages and disadvantages.

Also, no traditionally successful person has been there alone. Most "successful" people have fingerprints on all their bootstraps - you just don't hear about them during conversations that focus on all the things one person did to make them where they are today.

The next time you are tempted to compare your life with this seemingly noble goal on paper - what you may not enjoy, if it does not conform to your values ​​and priorities - remind yourself that you can only control your efforts; the result is out of your hands, not your own.

And your happiness does not depend on gaining, otherwise there would not be many rich and powerful people fighting depression and addiction. Your happiness depends on how you meet this day - the jobs you choose, the time you spend with the people you love, and how much you do yourself a favor in your head.

So instead of calling yourself "not living your good life," take the shortcut to happiness instead and do your best in the life you are currently living.

2. We evaluate our worth by our actions and mistakes, as if we were doing what we did.

To build on the previous point, we think we should show our worth in terms of achievement and worry that our worst times are defining us.

This is a practice I know very well. I grew up hungry for the acceptance I received when I succeeded and wished I could avoid the embarrassment that accompanied the failure.

I learned that if I failed or made a mistake, it was not because I was doing something wrong, it was because I was wrong. I did not feel guilty for what I did or failed to do, I felt ashamed of myself for being the kind of person who continues to pollute everything.

Ironically, I learned to discipline whenever I felt ashamed, which led to shameful behavior - such as drinking to control my temper, and then feeling bad about how I behaved when I was drunk, and then overeating to control that embarrassment.

It creates a vicious cycle that we can only end when we learn to cut back on our actions and efforts in our own identity and know that “good” people sometimes make “bad” decisions or have “bad” times — they just deserve love and compassion, however.

It is a habit, not a one-time change in thinking, and it becomes easier when we work on the next…

3. We strive to accept ourselves as we are because we are operating on the basis of the false belief that we are not good enough.

Maybe you started this belief because it seemed like there was nothing you grew up with - perhaps because it was hard to please your parents, or they were always comparing you to a more successful sibling.

Or maybe someone told you straight away that you're not good enough. Emotional abuse has become commonplace, because it is the way people repeat themselves based on what they see growing up. And because it does not leave any visible scars, it is easy to prove cruelty as needed to maintain control and promote "good" behavior.

Realize that this belief is not true. And it has nothing to do with who you are. A young Buddhist donor named Marie once wrote about the epiphany she had when she saw that her mother had a different child, she would treat her the same way. So it wasn’t that Marie wasn’t right; it was just that his mother just couldn’t love him the way he deserved.

If you can start experimenting with this new belief in size, you can begin to change the monologue in your head from the cruel voice of someone who mistreated you to the word of love you should have heard — one sympathetic response at a time.

4. We think that we need to be perfect in order to be loved, and any imperfection causes us to fear losing our love.

Being a traditional parent develops a sense of withholding love when children are “misbehaving” (often just inappropriate attempts to process their feelings and meet their needs).