how it all started #2

i was growing more and more each day, still reminded constantly about the past over and over again.

i was 12 and that's when it all started, i started to feel even worse about myself, i started to feel that hurt aching pain in my chest everyday, there was no reason for me to feel like that, i just felt it and it hurt physically and mentally to the point where i would cry. ALl that pain and hurt had no reason at all, i was beyond confused. It started to get worse very slowly, that feeling became stronger and more frequent through the days. I want to explain (the feeling) better, it was like a random punch of sadness, anger, hurt, emptiness and loneliness, and it hit you at random times ill be laughing, smiling or just enjoying my time. Then something just comes over you and takes you over, but i end up coming back after a short amount of time and i was back to me i think. This feeling became more longer and would not leave me alone.

Now its 2015, outside of me this year looked amazing, fun and exciting, everything was perfect physically but not mentally. i was at a new school as i had to go to highschool. It was a different vibe, i didn't lOve it. At this point i was just negative, the friends i had weren't exactly my favourite as they would only use me and never include me in anything but i was fine with that i didn't want to be alone, but most of the time i was. i was feeling down 50% of the day and just feeling that exact same feeling i was feeling at 12 but worse, i still thought feeling like that was normal when it wasn't, its normal to feel sad now and then only if you have a reason. I started to cry once i woke up, once i came from school and once i went to bed. Everynight i would be up for hours blank, empty, in tears, pain in my chest and barely breathing. At this point i still thought it was normal, i became more lazy, more distant and grew more hatred againSt myself, i started to blame myself for everything.

2016, new year, new me

Definitely new year, new me, i wasn't me anymore. I was lost nowhere to belong, nowhere to feel at home. i hated my what so called home, it was negative, but i meet a friend an actual friend. Her house was home, i felt like i belonged there, the air was filled wiTh positive energy, happy vibes and it felt fresh, it felt good. That was family right there. She knew when i was hurting, she knew when i hurt myself. i started to slow down on harming myself. They got me into good habits, created more activity for me, i loved it. Until they decided to move, it hit me hard so hard. i felt i just lost my home, my family but they would never abandon me and still havent, i love and miss them very much. Now i was back to how i was but worse, at this point i was broken. i hurt myself, tried to leave earth and tried to stop the pain. i remember when my mum first saw my self harm, her face was disgusted and in shock. I felt bad and all i thought was i don't deserve to be here. i was done.

to be continued.