Narissa Wingate-Connor
Stories (2/0)
how it all started #2
i was growing more and more each day, still reminded constantly about the past over and over again. i was 12 and that's when it all started, i started to feel even worse about myself, i started to feel that hurt aching pain in my chest everyday, there was no reason for me to feel like that, i just felt it and it hurt physically and mentally to the point where i would cry. ALl that pain and hurt had no reason at all, i was beyond confused. It started to get worse very slowly, that feeling became stronger and more frequent through the days. I want to explain (the feeling) better, it was like a random punch of sadness, anger, hurt, emptiness and loneliness, and it hit you at random times ill be laughing, smiling or just enjoying my time. Then something just comes over you and takes you over, but i end up coming back after a short amount of time and i was back to me i think. This feeling became more longer and would not leave me alone.
By Narissa Wingate-Connor4 years ago in Motivation
how it all started #1
How it started. When it started. Why it started. I'm not sure where to begin, as this all started years ago. Let's get to the point, I was bullied, i was a bully, I was sexually assaulted and i never thought I would say the last part but I said it. I'll start with Me getting bullied I was tall, strong and a girl, most mEn,boys find strong+tall+girl, pretty threatening, so I got bullied called ugly naMes, never got treated as a girl so I Practically turned myself into a boy as I thought it would stop but nope I was wrong. I haTed the way I looked I hated my hair as I thought curly hair was messy, I hated my eYes as they were to big compared to everyone else,I hated my lips as my friends all had nice thin lips, I hated my nose has everyone had a cute little nose, I hated my feet, I hated my hands, I hated my legs,I hated everything, everything on me and I think to myself why would I think that I was young, why would I punish myself, why was i so hard on myself. I started to grow hatred everyday more and more, so I let that out on other people tried to make them feel how I feel. I wish I never turned to that and i'm sorry for however I made you feel. I grew to cry every night, I grew to hate my appearance, I grew to be quiet and loud, I grew to hate, I grew to impress, I grew to never accept, I grew to not be me. Now me getting sexually assaulted, it wasn't the first time, the first time was when I was so young, I got forced, I got told to bend over, I got told if i don't do this I wont get to do this or that, I felt like this was normal, I thought it was ok, I never understood, until I got older but I never talked about it until I got older, he was much older than me and to think a grown teenager would do this to a little girl, he done it every time I came over. Not once did I think to tell my mum as she wouldn't believe me.The 2nd time, I was much older it was in primary school, she was very controlling and very must go my way or else. I felt threatened and scared I did not want to go on her bad side but I was perfectly strong and capable of stopping it but I mentally wasn't strong at all, I thought if I dont carry on with this I wont have friends, I'll be alone. So I had to go with it, she touched me everywhere, she wouldn't stop, she also forced other people, I felt disgusting, it was gross, I was not lesbian or bi, I hated every second of it, as soon as I went home, I went to my room cried and cried, I hated myself more, I wanted to disappear more and more, but I wasn't myself I'm still not me to this day. I lost myself everyday. I was stuck with that judgement throughout my whole school life. This is only the start of everything. I'm not me, I feel this is how I'm supposed to be. I'm not supposed to be here.
By Narissa Wingate-Connor4 years ago in Motivation