How I learned to Be a Killer: Killing Them With Kindness

Kill Them with Kindness

The first time I heard the expression kill them with kindness was from a colleague at work. I was lamenting on how a customer had just treated me poorly. I angrily went off for several minutes admonishing the customer. My colleague patiently listened and then turned to look at me directly and said kill them with kindness.

They may not listen to you, they may not change, but if you kill them with kindness they won't know what to do.

I had never heard the phrase, but I liked the discord of "kill" and "kindness", so it stuck with me. I watched as she applied this principle. It was not always easy. I witnessed how vile whether intentional or due to ignorance, a human could be to another human being. My colleague was African American and I became aware firsthand that not everyone believes all humans are equal. It was difficult sometimes to kill them with kindness.

Origins

According to Merriam-Webster.com, the expression "Kill (Someone) With Kindness" means to cause discomfort to someone by treating him or her in a way that is extremely kind or helpful. To my disappointment, the most commonly presumed origin of this phrase is believed to come from William Shakespeare's play The Taming of the Shrew act 4 scene 1.

And through all the shouting and fuss, I’ll swear that it’s all out of love for her. The end result will be that she’ll sit up all night. And if she starts to drop off, I’ll rant and yell until I wake her up. This is how to kill a wife with kindness. And this way I’ll cure her wild and willful nature.

To Cure or Not to Cure?

I do not like the connation of the origin. I do not even like Shakespeare; mainly for nonsensical reasons that I will leave for another time. But I still like kill them with kindness. Here's why.

I think that although the origin of this colloquialism is distasteful, the term as used today is quite lovely. When I think of killing someone with kindness, I think of being kind to all humans no matter how they treat you or what they look like. I think it is treating each human how you would wanted to be treated and not how they treat you. I have made a habit of filtering my thoughts and actions through these introspections in hopes to purify them of malice. But it is not always easy to kill someone with kindness.

I think the cure and the poison lies within each of us. Each action or word holding the elixir to provoke the burning flame or diminish it.

Is it not up to us to cure or not to cure the hate that resides in all of us?

You Killed Me With Kindness

I remember the first time someone "paid it forward" by paying for my coffee. I was standing in line with my younger sister. We were in our teens, engrossed in our own conversation and weren’t paying attention. When we went to pay, the barista said it had been paid for by the man in front of us. Dumbstruck and naïve—we looked for him and walked straight up to him to thank him.

The next time, I was sitting in my grandparents living room. They had asked me to stop by; too shy to ask why, I showed up at their house and sat in their oversized chairs anxiously waiting. They looked across at me from their own oversized chairs and calmly told me how proud they were of me. I was working full-time and putting every penny that I earned into classes at the local community college. I was doing everything I could to improve myself—working as hard as I could. They continued commending my efforts and then said they wanted to give me $2,000 towards my expenses. My stoic demeanor faded as the seams holding in my emotions broke and tears spilled down my face. My reaction shocked them and their faces contorted in concern. I quickly told them they were happy tears and this was the nicest thing that someone had done for me. My tear stained cheeks elevated into a smile. I thanked them over and over again. I followed-up with a handwritten thank you note that I sent a few days later. But still, I do not think that my gratitude was truly expressed. That money was probably pocket change to them, but it was a significant reprieve for me. Another semester, gas, food, and less debt.

Never underestimate what a seemingly small gesture, insignificant amount of money, or kind word can mean to someone else.

I have never felt more thankful. I replay this moment in my mind often, trying to find the reasons I felt so much that day. But I think it is simple. They had killed me with kindness—they treated me so extremely kind that it almost hurt.

Kindness Catalyzes Kindness

The colleague that I spoke of earlier taught me what kill them with kindness meant, but she also gave me one of the greatest gifts. She gave me the opportunity to give back when she needed a seemingly, small gesture, an insignificant amount of money to some.

Her grandfather who was like a father to her passed away unexpectedly. She heartbreakingly shared with me concern that she may not be able to pay for his burial. I shared this information with my sister and together we were able to pull together enough funds to cover the cost. I have barely spoken of this. It was not meant to be broadcasted. It is what we would want someone to do for us. It was not meant to be praised. It is being the kindness that we hope others will show to us.

Kill with kindness. To be kind or not to be kind, that is the question.

Footnote:

Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Kill (someone) with kindness. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved January 27, 2021, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/kill%20%28someone%29%20with%20kindness

No Fear Shakespeare: The Taming of the Shrew: Act 4 Scene 1 Page 10 | SparkNotes. (n.d.). Sparknotes.Com. Retrieved January 27, 2021, from https://www.sparknotes.com/nofear/shakespeare/shrew/page_164/#:%7E:text=And%20if%20she%20starts%20to,shrew%2C%20speak%20up%2C%20please.

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