How Do You Start Over When You've Already Been Here Before

So here I am again, starting over.

Moving to yet another state, lost my job due to this pandemic, and falling out of so many friendships faster than I can blink my eyes.

So what is the lesson in all of this?

What is the purpose behind the aggravation, tears, and grieving?

L I F E

Pathetic much, or rather pathetic enough, for you?

Sorry to be so cliché dear readers, but this. is. life.

It hits you so hard some days that you don't even feel like you can stand up.

Some days you can't stand up.

And other days you want to run, full sprint ahead into whatever it is that is out there, good or bad, you can handle it.

I have had all of these days in one, it seems like, and many more will be coming, I can feel them in my bones.

But you know what, I am so ready, for them all.

How? Why? What?

Let me explain...

I first started out diving deep into myself about 2 years ago. I started with me every single morning and every single night. I started going to counseling to try and make sense of things my brain couldn't on her own, and I let go of being available all the time to everyone. Scary? YES. Hard? BEYOND. Worth it? OMG BEYOND YES.

I focused inward more and hardly outward. If I had doubts about people they were gone, and than I would see how I changed and how my life changed without them. I started to reevaluate who I was versus who I wanted to become. I began to spend a lot of time alone, not telling anyone anything, no posting on IG, and just staying to myself, in my own orbit... I have found that I do better this way. For me, less is more, but that may not be the case for you, and that is A-OKAY. This is why soul searching is VITAL.

Don't get me wrong, in the beginning of all of this, about 5 months ago now, I freaked out every single day. I had just gotten into my first healthy relationship every, long distance, I was living on my own, I had bills to pay and no job, EVERYTHING was, and still is, very much out of my control.

I was having mental breakdowns almost every single day for about 2 weeks straight. Only my boyfriend could calm me down. He was, and still is, my strength, biggest supporter, and calmness. But what else was there? Something was evidently missing. My whole life was out of my hands and I was beyond emotional.

In comes a practice called: GRATITUDE.

This practice was daily, and it started from the time I would wake up to the time I went to sleep.

I started being grateful for the things I had around me, no matter how small, no matter how valuable, or invaluable. I would name them some days, I would just be internally grateful most days, and within maybe 2 weeks I started to realize that something was happening internally and becoming external.

Spending time with myself, doing what I wanted when I wanted, being good to my body, brain, and spirit, and feeding her nothing but positivity in focusing strictly on the goodness around me, has brought me to a place I never thought I would ever meet in this lifetime. It is between peace and bliss, not yet either, but oh so close.

So my dear reader, I know that life has not been very kind to us lately, and we are all, in one way or another, trying to figure things out. It may not be as easy as these words, it may not be a fast process as we are all on different levels and in different circumstances, but start small. What do you have around you that makes your life a little bit better?

Close your eyes, look around, go for a walk and think about your life.

Right now I can immediately say that I am grateful for my existence, my boyfriend, my willingness to thrive, this beautiful day, my car, a roof over my head, furniture in my home, my own studio apartment that I am affording on my own even with no job, the fact that I have been making it, my bed to sleep in, my blankets, food in my fridge, having access to food, having the means to provide for myself, having the courage to keep going, the ability to be grateful...

Your turn!

Namaste.