How did I get here? It's kind of a funny story.

The song Rosyln reminded me of the spirit of the Pacific Northwest. Its magnificent forests carving through the vast geography of the United States. Though I could not make out the lyrics of the original song, the lilt of the instruments - the guitar and piano - filled me with the most spectacular sensation of peace. Peace after weeks of the most unbearable guilt; I felt as though I could genuinely breathe again.

It felt like stepping out from whatever prison of self-isolation I had sentenced myself as judge, jury, and executioner, and seeing the world through crystal eyes. Seeing the sun for the first time after days of clouds. Seeing the herons stalk through the ponds before they took such graceful flight. I would say it felt like starting my life all over again. Perhaps a new chapter. Yes that sounds right. A new chapter, part of the same journey. The chapter or two after the one where the main character's world came to a screeching halt. The chapters after self-loathing turned into self-acceptance. After self-punishment turned into grace.

I may not remember the date exactly, but I remember the smile I brought to the barista's face. I remember the joy of such an innocent, but genuine connection we held, even if we may never hold it again.

It reminded me why I abbreviated my name and carried it with every introduction. My legal name is Rachel, though to every friend and stranger I casually meet, you may call me Rae. Like a ray of sunshine- yes I am actually that corny - I hope these interactions, however brief, can offer a glimpse of light on the cloudiest of days.

The piece below is perhaps an unorthodox journal entry of my own self-reflection of where I thought I would be by this point in my life (let's say later twenties). And from that self-reflection came acceptance of where I am now. Though I am far from where I thought I would be by now, for a moment I am okay with where I am. For a moment, I don't feel so lost.

I hope you enjoy. And I hope, wherever you are in the world, wherever you are in life, you are at peace.

Things…didn’t exactly go as planned.

I don’t have a house.

I am unmarried

And without children.

I dreamed of being an actress,

A doctor,

A teacher and a scientist!

So that no matter where I ended up

I would be surrounded by the stars.

Somewhere along the way I screwed up…

And try as I might

I cannot retrace my steps to find where -

Where exactly I stepped off the path that I believed paved for me.

What was it that caught me eye

In those rambling woods?

What flicker of light

Or snapping of twig?

What promises were whispered so I took the road

Less traveled by?

Though the breadcrumbs have been eaten

And footsteps awash and faded

My heart tells me it must have been some time

Ago.

Time immemorial - before the clocks sprang forward

And was silently groomed to measure my existence

In minutes

Instead of moments.

Because as I look back on those childish dreams

I cannot help but smile.

You sweet, excited, emboldened child.

I remember how you ran through the woods

Climbing over logs

And weaving through trees

so sure you’d see the other side.

I wonder if you’d found your clearing.

Would your heart be just as full as it was

When you crossed the threshold?

Sometimes I worry what you would think

If you looked back and saw me

Here

Wandering in circles

With a fickle compass.

Please do not worry

For I am not lost!

All roads lead to Rome

And I am in no rush to get there.

The detour showed me how the seasons change

How there is beauty in transformation

And even under the canopy there are sections of sky light.

And I can still see the stars.

I do not know my way out from here.

But I’m sure I’ll get there some day.

I just hope

Wherever I end up

That little girl is proud of me.