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I didn't see the lights of the car speeding behind me, and as we waited on a red-light talking about the Disney song on the radio, I heard the screams of my then 6 and 8 year old, and like poison rushing through my blood stream the only thought in my head was.... God.

My face hit the starring wheel and my knee bucked to my dash board, as my body jerked forward the screams filled my lungs and my eyes shot up to my rear view mirror: my car was in the middle of an active intersection, crying, screaming, hurting, heart palpitating out of my chest, I ran out my car and opened my 6 year old's car door, while looking for blood, cuts anything that could mean they were in any danger, I unbuckled his car seat while reaching for my oldest seat belt, the fear on their faces, the questions I couldn't answer, while the rain fell and the lights of the car surrounding us shined unto the corners of the space between my kids and I; I called unto him for the first time in years.

October 14th, 2023 at 6:38 PM off Atlantic and Georgia Avenue in Brooklyn, NY I felt the cavity of my chest open like it had never open before. My very first car was totaled, myself and my kids were rushed to the hospital where I spent an eternity between X-rays, MRI's and wanting to be reunited with my kids, they were by the grace of God discharged after a few hours, by his mercy my kids were untouched, by his hand my kids were internally and physically well.

What followed were automatic actions, finding a new car, getting physical therapy for my back, neck and knee and learning how to trust myself driving again: turns out bills couldn't be paid by pain, or PT, and so I went back to work, after work I would do PT and by that time it was dark outside, my knuckles were white on the steering wheel for months, I couldn't sing, I couldn't relax, all I thought about was paying attention to the lights behind me.

All my life I've been told, I am strong and my reply has always been 'I wish I wasn't' my strong has always intimidated many, my independence the white flag on my forehead, and though my strong has cut short on many things, I've always been proud of how far I've come, how I've chosen again and again to do different, to be different, turns out I needed help with my strong, right before that night, I was at the peak of my physical wellness, I was going on 15 lb and I was so proud of how I've taken the pain of abandonment, of a heartbreak to sculpture my strong; only to see my body as weak as ever, to feel my weakness as I try to lay down, to feel my weakness as I walked, it was the hardest time of my entire life and I kept going back to that one thought... God.

"God strengthen me, help me understand, help me remove this anger, help me mean a smile again, help me because I don't know what to do."

In the midst of finding out, the other driver wasn't even registered, that he saw my kids and I and didn't stopped, that insurance was not able to pay, I fell into the deepest depression and I cried most days; not understanding why was this happening, I started questioning him, the thought I've been holding on to finally busted out of my mind and dissolved on my lips, I said his name out loud in range, in so much pain and with so much anger.

I stopped my car and yelled to the top of my lungs, why?! and in the silence I felt the warmest hug and there on my driver seat I looked up at the sky with tears in my eyes and said, I feel you. I won't lie and say that that was it, oh no, the anger didn't stop there, the pain and the misery didn't stop there: Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday ever since I was a little girl, when my dad passed I started resenting holidays, because it was always him and I, not just I.

My co-worker invited me to her church's Thanksgiving Sunday and while I might have not wanted to go, we had made lunch plans after and so I went to church, not expecting my heart to be on the operating table as the songs started filling up my lungs again, as the energy started rebuilding my body, as my anger finally started melting away, I felt him again, this time he told me I was home.

I've fallen so deep in love with God these past few months, I've trusted him with not only my healing, my finances but with my oldest having emergency surgery for his appendix this last weekend, my God aligned it so perfectly that doubt never set in- I prayed through the night, I cried to my Father and I held my baby as if it was the last time I would; after 2 hours he was brought back to his hospital room where when he woke up, mommy and I were awaiting.

I am not writing about this to share how great my God is, I am writing to show how strong is his strong compare to ours, yes, we can do it all, yes we can show off but oh my God, I've never been taken cared of the way he takes care of me, protects me, even the tiniest details he is always making me smile and praise him, I am strong but with God I am the Grand Canyon.

I was told, the Devil goes not after those that don't follow God but those who do, and so I prepared my body to detox and fast to thank him, to praise him and to give all I have to him, because I know my faith will be tested and I know our relationship will be tried but I also know that I am home, forever.