Hold it in, Let it out: An Inner Monologue

I want you to take a deep breath. I’d ask you to close your eyes, but that rather defeats the purpose of me writing all this, doesn’t it? Fill your lungs with as much as you can. Now hold it in. As long as you can, then let it all out. Now do it again. Again. Again. How do you feel, any better? Hmm, perhaps try it again. Once more? They aren’t real, just ignore them. Relax. It’s okay. They’re starting to settle, aren’t they? The others? All those little voices swirling around in a violent storm of uncertainty and fear trapped inside that complicated head of yours. It’s terrifying, isn’t it? Don’t worry, just breathe. In. Hold. Out. In. Hold. Out. In. Hold. Shit, it burns. No, don’t think about it. Hold it in. Keep going. Nothing else helps. The pills, meditation, exercise, nothing. They’re not gone yet. Don’t cry. Don’t let them know how bad it is. Don’t diminish their faith in you. They need you. Forget about the voices. Block it out. Please. Keep breathing. Keep—oh fuck it. No, stop breathing. It won’t help, they won’t leave. Remember? People like us don’t get to breathe. We get no respite from nightmarish world we see before us. This cold world. It’s not worth it anymore. Let go, let it all go. Drift away...NO! Keep breathing. Breathe, you coward. Why are you here? Why haven’t you stopped yet? That’s right, you can’t. Keep breathing. You’re not here to fall any further. Keep breathing. It burns, damn, I can’t keep it in. You’re okay, you’re not an addict. It’s helping you. It doesn’t control you. It doesn’t control you. It doesn’t control you. It doesn’t control you. It doesn’t—wait. Be quiet...you hear that? They’re only whispers now, aren’t they? You’re almost there. Keep going. Remember why you’re here. It will be okay. Fill your lungs one more time. Hold it in.

Now let it out. Let it all out. Don’t hold back. Don’t be afraid. Scream at the world for hurting you. Scorn the people that took something from you. Grieve that which you have lost. Let it all out. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be lost. You’ll find your way back, you always do, right? Remember why you are here. You’re waiting. Ah, now I see why you hold it in. You’re saving it for the end. When you reap the spoils of pain you were promised as a child. You wait to embrace what you have achieved, in spite of who or what held you back. You’re waiting to stand atop your ivory tower at the ends of the earth. To gaze upon the life which once brought you to your knees. To laugh in the faces of those who wronged you and know that they are beneath you now. It all starts to make a little more sense. You’re angry. Of course you are. You don’t want wealth, or fame. You want revenge. Who could blame you? After all that’s happened to you, after all you’ve lost, there’s no doubt you’re furious. How long have you felt it? The anger? Since you were a child, must be. It’s part of you now. This inescapable rage that haunts each waking hour. It’s fused itself into your bones, tangled around your heart and wrapped around your throat. It’s killing you, isn’t it? You’ve changed. Where is the light hearted young boy with dreams in his head and adventures in his heart? Where is the boy who would have stolen the stars in the sky if he merely thought it would be fun? You think that version of you is gone. Is he really? You’re not sure, are you? You are completely unsure of whether or not you can get that back? You think that nothing can save you. And it scares the shit out of you. Deep down, you know that this feeling isn’t going away anytime soon. Is it hopeless? Hell if I know, I don’t even know what I’m doing in here. But for now, there’s only one thing you can do. Do you remember? Here, let’s do it together. Breathe in. Fill your lungs all the way up. Hold it in. Good, now let it all out.

Don’t forget to keep breathing.

You’ll find that boy again.