Healing Isn't Easy

A lot has happened since I first publicly opened up about the over 10 years of domestic abuse I lived through from age 9 to 19. The biggest change is the fact that I left on a round-trip from Sacramento to Ammon, Idaho on May 3rd, where I'll be staying with my close friends, Izzy and Sarah D.P., and their parents until August 8th.

I've been in Idaho for just over a month now. It's so peaceful and relaxing up here. The first several weeks were really blustery and cold, which I definitely should've been aware of before packing my clothes, but nope, I packed solely for the warm California weather. Thankfully, Izzy and Sarah let me borrow warmer clothes when we go out on drives or walks on the more chilly days.

Overall, I've been doing much better than I was before. But there are still rough days. Healing is not easy. Not by a long shot. There are days when the weight of this whole messy situation really hits me full-force. There have been multiple nights where I've curled up in my blankets and cried myself to sleep. There are moments when I feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness surge through me, and I wonder how things are ever going to get better. There are times when I get angry and want to scream, "This isn't fair! Why is all of this happening to me, God? I hate this so much!" There are times when I feel like I'm a nomad, making me wish that everything was different and that I had a stable place to call home.

But for every moment of hopelessness and sadness and heartache, God refuels my hope and comforts me, reminding me in little ways that everything is going to be okay. For example, during my staff meeting for Bayside Church this past Wednesday, one of the points in our message for the week was "stay hopeful when troubled." Hearing that made my soul feel settled and at ease; it was amazing. Whenever another wave of depression and anxiety and panic starts to overtake me, I repeat that phrase - and others like it - to myself.

Stay hopeful when troubled.

Everything is going to be okay.

This isn't my fault.

Greater things are coming.

God loves me, and He's always going to be here for me.

God has amazing things planned for my future.

Some days are good, some are great, some are peaceful, some are draggingly slow, and some are tough to get through. Healing is not a linear process. I wish it was, but it just isn't. It's like a squiggly line. It's a bunch of inconsistent ups and downs, and it isn't clear-cut or clean or formulaic. But I'm learning to understand and accept and embrace that. It can be a pain though.

Sometimes I wish that I could choose a date on my calendar for when I'm all done healing. I sometimes wish that healing could be treated like some sort of school curriculum, and once I get through it and I pass, I'm 100% done with it. But it doesn't work that way. Right now, I can't draw a solid finish line in the sand for myself to cross at a set time.

Do I believe that I am going to heal? Absolutely. But certain triggers may remain triggers for the rest of my life, and I know I won't be able to completely forget my past. Maybe I'll forget some of the more vivid visual/auditory memories I have, but I won't forget the facts of what happened. All I can say for sure is that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me very much and who is working through so many beautiful people and mediums to help me heal.

Healing isn't easy. But with God by my side, I can brave it.

Cover photograph credits: Juliet Furst, Unsplash.