Have You Ever Been Told You Intimidate Others?

INTIMIDATION

This word has haunted me my entire life.

It started in grade school when one of my friends told me a friend hers finds me intimidating. She said her friend told her that my eyes remind her of a crow's and that it scared the shit out of her whenever I looked into her eyes when she's talking to me.

Having grown up in a predominately Caucasian community, I assumed it was because I was one of the few Asian kids around with such dark-coloured eyes. I brushed the comment off and didn't think much about it.

However, then it was in high school when another friend and I were talking about boys; she tells me that she thinks the reason no one has asked me out is that they find me intimidating.

I thought this was ridiculous. I was a small Asian girl who no one noticed, super quiet in class, went to school and came home.

How was that considered intimidating?

Then it was in my later years when an ex said to me after our breakup that whoever ends up with me will have to get over being intimidated by me. I thought he was being spiteful. The wounds were fresh for both of us and words were exchanged that didn't really mean what he thought.

Now recently, my husband and I were talking about whether someone who made a comment about me to him could come to me directly with that comment.

He tells me,

"I doubt it. People find you intimidating."

I've been in denial of my intimidation for years because I've always associated it with negative connotations; it's not a good thing that others are scared of me. I want to be perceived as warm and welcoming, kind, easy to approach, and friendly.

Isn't that how society expects women to act if they want to be liked?

If I'm intimidating then I'm a cold bitch who's snotty, judgy, viewing others as though they're beneath me.

But that's not at all who I am.

The past week, I've been pondering about this word and started doing my usual Google search on whether this is true.

How come all of these people are telling me that I am?

People who love me. People who don't love me anymore. People who know me inside and out. People who don't know me at all. They've all told me.

There has to be an element of truth in their words.

Was I interpreting the word completely wrong?

Yes.

Intimidation can be a positive characteristic. So I've made the decision to own that word, embracing who I am and removing all self-hate around it; those who see me for who I really am will know what I am really about.

Here are 10 reasons why this word resonates with who I am.

People might find me intimidating because:

1. I do the things I say I'll do. And when I don't, I'll admit it willingly.

I don't give promises to people that I cannot keep. Empty promises are a huge pet peeve of mine. I say no to a lot of things because I have boundaries and many competing priorities.

I prioritize myself, my husband and kids, and my family above all else. I like to make sure when I say I'm going to do something, I will actually take the time to do it. I'm hard on myself when I can't meet demands but I'll own up to it when I do.

2. I say what I mean and mean what I say

I don't boast or exaggerate details of my life. I tell it like it is. I'm realistic. I'm not going to post a picture of myself in workout clothing and tell you to get fit if I haven't exercised myself.

I wrote books about dating, marriage and how to deal with Asian parents because I've been on a journey with these topics (ongoing journeys for some). I don't give advice unless asked and when I do, it's because I've followed it myself.

3. I'm open-minded (and ask a lot of questions that can come across as interrogating)

Opinions without substance aggravate me. Share with me your most unconventional thoughts and I'll ask you why 5 times. It's not because I want to convince you otherwise; it's because I want to understand how you came to that conclusion.

It's impossible for everyone to agree with me on everything. But I want to understand where their viewpoints came from, their context, their lens on the matter. But if all they can give me is, "I'm entitled to my opinion." then I'll empathize with their limited self-awareness, give them time and space and move on.

4. I'm a high achiever. I've got things to do, goals to accomplish, dreams to reach.

For my whole life, I've been on a mission, with little detours here and there but still the same path. I know what I want in life, in every aspect, love, career, health, relationships, and that can scare people since knowing what you want is half the battle. Next, it's learning how to do it. Lastly, it's the hardest part of actually taking action to achieve it.

Every day, I work on my dream a little bit, to be able to live off my writing and books. I like to visualize where I'll be in 5, 10, 20, 30+ years from now.

I have vivid moments of the future in my head: talking to my son about safe sex and consent, walking my daughter down the aisle, becoming a mother-in-law, holding my grandchild, my husband and I having the house to ourselves as empty nesters, speaking at international conferences, getting a lucrative book deal, seeing my parents hold their great-grandchild, sitting on my porch with a nice glass of diet coke (no ice) as an old lady reminiscing about this time when I wrote this article while my grandchildren run around in the yard waiting for me to join them etc.

I have hopes and dreams and I enjoy sharing these despite knowing they may not come true.

5. I listen more than I talk in groups. I'm quiet, aloof, observing and processing.

I'm an introvert but I'm not shy. Being quiet can come across as being timid; however, for me, it means I'm digesting what you're saying. It doesn't mean I'm secretly judging you, criticizing you inside my head. I'm taking the time to interpret your words, to think of questions that will allow me to understand you more, to self-reflect on what you're saying means to me.

And sometimes I take too long and don't say anything at all which comes across as cold or standoffish.

If you're curious about what I'm thinking, ask me.

6. I seek validation for my depth, not my surface-level attributes

Status, title, power, materialism, luxury, physical appearance…when someone praises me for what they only see on the outside, it means little.

But if they delve deeper, with a desire to understand me, validating my efforts for how I got to that point, then they've got my attention.

7. I don't enjoy small talk

I don't take pleasure in chatting about the weather, news, sports, the condos they're building down the street and other miscellaneous topics.⁣

INSTEAD…⁣

I want to get to know people, to have meaningful interactions, to understand the human experience through their eyes.⁣

I want to hear their life stories and their history of how they came to be.⁣

I want to know where they came from and where they want to go.⁣

I want to know the decisions they've made, why they made them, whether it worked out in the end and what decisions they are contemplating now.⁣

I want to know why they got into their field of work and whether they love or hate their job.⁣

I want to know how they grew up.⁣ I want to know how they were as a child and how or if they've changed.⁣

I want to know why they live where they live and if they could live anywhere else, where that would be.⁣

I want to know their bucket lists, past successes and failures and what they learned from them.⁣

8. I'm not scared to try new things

From climbing a mountain, learning to rollerskate, recording a video of myself talking about my past eating disorder, writing about my failures, asking someone out, having a kid, killing a fly in the house, putting yourself out there on social media, going on television, presenting in front of a group, to having another kid, I'll try anything twice.

The first time doing anything will always be hard but when I've done it once, the second time is where I'll determine whether I like it or not. If I like it, then I'll keep trying it. There are still so many things I have yet to experience in life that will scare the shit out of me. I know once I overcome that fear, whatever scares me next will be just a bit less scary.

9. I solve problems rather than complain about them

Have you ever met a Debbie Downer who always complained about how life sucks and everything is going to be crap?

If it's not the weather, it's the government.

If it's not the government, it's her coworkers.

If it's not her coworkers, it's her parents.

And if it's not her parents, it's gas prices.

OMG, and it continues on and on and on.

How do you feel when you meet someone like that?

To be honest, I've been that person; it's hard not to get sucked into the negativity. It's so easy to blame others and look at problems as other people's doing. It's never our fault when things go wrong. We are angels and we do everything right.

But then when we step out of that negative vortex, we realize why someone likes to complain. Deep down, they're scared to solve the problem. They're scared to take responsibility, to take control, to create a life that they deserve. They'd rather focus on things they cannot control as a way to justify their fear.

I can't control those things so therefore, I have a right to complain.

Instead, I've figured out a way to hone in on what I can do, what I'm good at and what I love doing so I can get that control back.

10. I know what I know and I'll tell you when I don't

Self-love, personal development stories, romantic relationships, non-romantic relationships, family dynamics, parenting, culture, self-growth, health and wellness, empathy, emotional intelligence, food, mindfulness…

These are near and dear to my heart and I'm constantly learning about them; I have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge on those topics.

Sports, politics, the news, cars, home improvement, interior design, technology, gaming, fashion, makeup, comics…

I will always be a noob in these areas. Even though I believe in always learning about new things, there are certain topics that aren't interesting enough for me to become an expert at. What I'd love to know is why those topics interest you so much and how do they relate to your day-to-day life.

So Readers, have you ever been told you're intimidating? Do you associate intimidation with negative or positive connotations? Why?