Great Expectations

When I first started writing on this platform it was back in 2017. In many senses of the word you could say I was inexperienced. I had big hopes and dreams, but not the slightest clue on how to make anything happen.

You could say I was a hopeless romantic about people and ideas and what I wanted to achieve for myself. It was always about the chase, never the journey or the experience. I traveled a lot: from New Hampshire, to Vermont, to New York, to Boston, to Maine, to New York City (when I was pregnant with my son), I traveled to North Carolina (also was pregnant with my son) for a business convention that turned to be a fluke. I thrived on the adrenaline of becoming the best version of me and the process of becoming. Now I approach 26 and I reflect on a lot of my life, not so much on what have I done but what have I accomplished.

It is so easy to look at what we deem to be failure and find the hammer to knock ourselves over the head with. The mark we try to often reach is attainable but maybe not in the time frame we had set, and maybe the business plan was off, maybe there was something amiss in the strategy; There are all the its, buts, maybes, and what if's. But maybe we are asking the wrong question. Instead of asking "what did we do?" or "what did we accomplish?" we can ask "What did we feel?" or "What emotions did we evoke?" we can ask "Did we make people feel? Did we make them think?" and then maybe for one second we can ask again "Is this enough?"

I never got the degree I wanted to get, but in the process I wrote. I criticized and analyzed the living crap out of myself; my self worth, my talent, and often thought "I'm never going to be half the writer I want to be, and I'll definitely never be as great as I hope to be." I often wonder what fame or success really means to anybody, and can it often be more humbling than not. Many people assume I'm older because of the life I've lived, the experiences that have shaped me, and I can tell you by no means did any of those less-than-ideal experiences feel like blessings; but they did humble me.

In 2020, I created a photography business out of my dream (with the help of a wonderful consultant out of the United Kingdom; a far more successful photographer than I) and inspired others to do the same. In that year, I felt and experienced more out of life than I thought possible. I saw the empire state building, I met artists and entrepreneurs like myself and I felt the rush of the world at my finger tips. However, the most important thing I did was I lived and it was my goal to evoke emotions I believed I evoked, to spark passion in others that inspired them to move; and it did. A good friend started a catering business and I watched, only giving a few helpful tips and advice and then the rest was up to him. I watched a close friend pursue modeling while I pulled the (camera) trigger; I saw her be fierce and brave and magnificent with no one to hold her back on top of the Empire State Building in New York City. I photographed a few weddings and took many exquisite photos. I tried new experiences (smoke bomb witchy session above) getting myself out of my comfort zone. My business profited and I learned from many mistakes, and I'm still learning, but I am growing.

People can say anything they want about me; that I am so smart or wise or that I went through horrible ideals and I will simply smile back and say "It changed me, but I survived." and in the end I am me not because of the dreams I've had that maybe haven't come to pass yet, and I'm certainly not a failure because my great expectations have fallen short. I am human and I have loved and lost, experienced tragedy. I have created a life more beautiful than any accomplishment or work I could have breathed into existence. Any book or publication will never be as beautiful or breathtaking as that life, but what he molds himself to be will be both mine and his greatest accomplishment. Though great expectations can fall short, the journey has been charming, and painful and invigorating but it has been everything that has become me and I certainly am far much more than I could have ever hoped for. I believe that the same is true of you.