Four Spring Upgrades for the Unmotivated yet Optimistic

Oh hey. Didn't see ya there.

What follows is not a guide for the consistently "on-the-ball" person. Instead, if you have trouble getting your shit together from time to time (or always), welcome.

Here are just four things that you can do as spring pops up that will help you do better and feel better. And there is no run-of-the-mill information coming your way (for the most part.)

Get off your ass and do something

There is definitely no medical or actual health advice to come. I thought I'd offer up a system that actually works for me when I start to get couch sores and realize I should probably move my body to avoid rigor mortis.

Set up a reward system for yourself. Before you tell me that you've seen this advice on the cover of every Cosmopolitan or Men's Fitness magazine you've ever seen, settle in for a second.

It's hard to set up an effective positive reinforcement system for yourself. If you're the type of person who needs my advice, you've probably cheated once or twice on your goals, amirite?

Say you want to lose 10 pounds in three months. (For the purposes of this article, let's pretend that we always set realistic goals for ourselves.) Give some money to a trusted friend/partner and have them pinky promise to only pay it out once you've accomplished your goal. If this is a good (read:generous) friend/partner, they might even match the amount if you succeed.

If you fail, they get to enjoy that money however they please. Rough, I know. But this is REAL LIFE guys. You need actual motivation.

My chosen reward for my current goal is a new tattoo. I gave money to my girlfriend to set up a tattoo appointment for me in exactly three months. If I don't succeed - bye-bye cashiola. And even more devastating - bye-bye Alex Trebek tattoo on my lower back.

Get to bed before the sun comes up

Cool, so you're tired of being a zombie? I get it. Just because we are quite literally enduring a global pandemic doesn't mean we have to act like the undead in a full-on apocalypse.

I hate going to sleep. It's not that I don't enjoy it once I've arrived in dreamland. It's more so that life is more exciting than sleep, so I do unproductive things instead of getting the recommended eight hours of shuteye. (This statistic is clearly bullshit and is based on a capitalist society that wants us to adapt to the 9-5 work schedule... but that's a topic for another time.)

Here's the trick. Instead of binge-scrolling through TikTok or stalking your ex relentlessly on Instagram - think about how you feel when waking up to an alarm after zero sleep. Really feel that gross stomach ache and those morning sweats when you have to leave the comfort of your bed for the harsh, cold world. Then poof!

Remind yourself. I don't have to walk on the cold tile floor and sling my chubby body into the shower. I can avoid enduring the smell of body odour on the sweaty commute to work. I don't have to get coffee for my asshole of a boss. I'm so lucky! I get to lie here in the comforting embrace of my bed, who won't judge me or mutter "you look tired today!" Eff you Cindy from Accounting.

Focusing on these facts should help you appreciate your circumstances and get to snoozin'.

Be nicer to your community and the planet

Yes, I know this sounds mega-lofty. But hear me out. It's part of the bigger plan. I'm only partially touting my own agenda. I promise this is an upgrade too.

Why not float into Spring, the season of new life and renewal, by focusing a little more on your moral obligation to future generations? No, I'm not going to mention recycling - it's 2021. Recycling is the new not smoking.

There is a plethora of little things you can do for the planet, and many of them are fun and will make you feel pretty badass. Being environmental and socially-conscious is trendy these days, so level up. Here are my suggestions:

• Don't buy anything new. Millions of tons of clothing end up in landfills every year. Plus, producing new clothes means using up resources and creating pollution. Okay obviously, if you need new undies, go on and hit up Victoria's Secret. But otherwise, you can buy most everything second hand. Old styles come back. Buy thrift. Oh and saving money is a nifty (thrifty) bonus.
• Pick the mom-and-pop shop over Amazon. Oh you already do? Sick! You are making a difference. If not, try it. I promise Jeff Bezos will be fine. Get your produce from a small grocer. Buy some merch from a local band as a birthday gift for your bff. Commission a piece from a talented artist in your hood. Investing in your community will help you feel connected with the fabric of your life. (I swear. It's a thing!)

You might be asking yourself: Why focus on helping the planet when I can't even help myself? I get the logic. But, you know that lovely feeling you get when you've made someone smile or helped a person in need? I know it sounds woo-woo, but loving mother earth and your community gives you those fuzzy feelings too.

Upgrade one thing while being gentle with yourself

I will avoid the new-age buzz words of self-care and me-time so that your eyes don't glaze over. Just follow the steps below and soon it'll be all welcome to awesome-town, population you.

1. Pick a personal quality you want to improve upon. Or pick a topic you want to master. Or pick a hobby you want to excel at. Why not sign up for that 5k race you've been dreaming of running? Just pick ONE thing.
2. Now, choose a method for your journey. It can be reading a self-help book for thirty minutes a day. Perhaps it is practicing an instrument a few times a week. Maybe you want to apply to an education program and have some prep-work to do? Simply, pick a vessel for your upgrade.
3. Cool. Now get some stickers and a calendar. (I'll still be here when you get back.)
4. Mark the occasions when you complete your task on the calendar with a sticker. (Are you feeling a bit like you're in middle school? GOOD. Middle school was fun, goddammit.) Aim for four times a week.
5. Did you succeed? (Cool. Keep it up. You're upgrading!) Did you fail? (Keep reading.)

If you didn't reach your quota for the week - you're still valid. Hell, if all you accomplished this week was catching up on the new season of Ru Paul's Drag race, that's okay.

I don't believe in unwavering tough love on yourself; life is hard, shit happens, mental illness is real, and progress takes time. You got this. Try again next week.

While working on the four upgrades laid out above, focus on the changing of the seasons. You were winter. You were a bit colder, a little tired and somewhat unmotivated. But soon, you'll emerge - a (somewhat) new person, ready to take on the world.