Forever Pondering the Concept of Self Love

Today was pretty good but I'm feeling off tonight. It's about 11:30 pm. I'm painfully insecure and I have a horrible habit of comparing myself to other women, particularly on Instagram. Sometimes it's people I know in real life, sometimes it's someone I would probably never meet. I was feeling okay about myself today but then randomly started thinking about some girl I know who is a million times prettier than me and decided to scan her profile just to wish I could be her. It's a self-sabotaging thing I do, I intentionally view the profiles of these people who I feel so insecure about to figure out why I wasn't lucky enough to be that pretty or have that life or whatever it is. There is just a sense of satisfaction that I imagine comes along with being gifted with a perfect physical body, to look good in all pictures and from all angles, and to go about life feeling good about oneself. I wish I knew what that felt like. Sometimes I can agree that I'm pretty attractive, but it takes a lot of work for me to not crumble at the sight or thought of someone who is so much better than me, whoever it is that day.

Sometimes the women I choose to compare myself to are pretty for reasons that I consider to be less attractive, like hair that isn't natural, lots of makeup, and boring clothing. It doesn't make sense to me. I like things to be all natural, and I take pride in the fact that my hair is natural and unkempt (because it is very thick and curly), I haven't worn makeup since high school (I'm 24), and I like things that are colorful and unique. Despite these things I actually like about myself, I still often compare myself to "basic bitches," as they're commonly called. Sometimes I just wish I knew what it was like to have so much confidence and be so sure about myself. They have it easy; their clothes are always trending so it's easy to shop, while makeup is an art it definitely isn't rocket science, and they blend in with everyone else so they're more widely accepted by others. At least that's my perception. I have always preferred to stand out rather than blend in, but I still catch myself wishing I knew what it felt like to be a pretty girl. It must be nice.

The concept of self love seems so elusive to me. The thought of consciously pouring love into myself irritates me a little bit. I figure that's because my ego feels threatened by the thought, since hating myself feeds my pain-body (read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle). I often wonder what self love feels like. I see it in others and just can't quite make sense of it. I wonder if I'll ever know what it feels like.

I have a lot of pain and self hatred in my heart that I need to work through. I also find myself being envious of people who have stable family lives, haven't struggled extensively with their mental health, and have an abundant social life. Granted, I do have lots of friends and end up choosing to spend all of my time alone, I still feel like I don't have a best friend, or a solid group of friends. I've always jumped around between friend groups. I had my own squad at one point and we were the best of friends but we all ending up drifting a little bit and, even though we've done some rekindling, things just aren't the same. I feel so terribly alone here, in this existence. There's also so much pain in the world and I feel like I take on too much of it. Battling everyone else's pain on top of my own gets to be a bit much at times.

I was having a good evening until I decided to hurt myself by comparing myself to other women. I poured hatred into my own heart and I've been in a bad mood since. Instead of being productive, I've just been wasting time hating myself and being angry. Hopefully next time I can stop myself in time. I've come a long way in my healing journey, but I still have plenty more work to do.