Five Positivity Mantras You Should Ignore

One day, I was feeling down. Every color seemed somehow a little grayish, I didn’t enjoy the taste of food, I couldn’t laugh at funny things. There was no joy that day, only dull throbbing anguish.

“Are you okay?” My boyfriend asked.

“I’ll be fine,” I said. “I’m sorry.”

That was an automatic response I had been giving to people for years when asked this question. Always promising that it will be “fine” and, inadvertently, I had also begun to apologize, too. It was a result of hearing countless iterations of “Come on, cheer up,” “Choose to be happy,” “All it takes is a smile,” “You think you have it bad?”, “Everybody thinks they’re depressed these days,” “Don’t be negative, think of how it affects me,” “You’re normally a cheerful person, this is not the real you. Shake it off.”

Hearing this, of course, never helped me. It only alienated me and taught me to hide better. Slowly, I had come to believe that when people ask “What’s wrong?” they really mean, “What’s wrong with you?”

But the first time I gave my boyfriend the automatic “I’ll be fine” response on that joyless grayish day, he did something simple that rocked my world. And, ironically, made me feel better.

He hugged me and said, “Well… You’re under no obligation to be fine.”

A positive outlook on life is a good thing. It leads to a longer lifespan, a stronger sense of physical and emotional wellbeing, better cardiovascular health, and lower stress levels.

But there’s one caveat. It has to be authentic.

And authenticity does not come in just one color. The authentic human experience is nuanced. Forcing positivity on every instance in life is like trying to play the piano by repeatedly hitting one single high-pitched key.

That piercing sound is called “toxic positivity.”

Toxic Positivity is the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.

If you fall down the stairs and then your left wrist throbs with constant, dull pain for several days, you’re not going to make it better by disregarding the pain and thinking positively about your wrist. Likely, the pain will get worse until you can’t even hold a glass of water and you’re forced to see a doctor.

This is how it works in the world of feelings too. Acknowledging your pain is the only way to heal it. Pretending it isn’t there, on the other hand, only makes it grow worse.

So if you happen to be struggling, here are 5 harmful positivity tips you can unashamedly ignore.

“Just smile.”

Other versions: “Happiness is a choice.” “Think happy thoughts.”

The notion that forcing a smile improves your mood is based on a 1988 study, the results of which have not been replicated since. In fact, research demonstrates overwhelmingly that a forced smile has a positive effect on only a fraction of people. On the other hand, consistently putting on a fake smile is linked to worse health and increased drinking.

If happiness is indeed a choice, then that choice is made by a deeper aspect of your self. Not by your mind. Trying to force happiness, a smile, or “happy thoughts” when you’re not feeling either one, is like running your fingers on the water surface with the expectation of moving the deepest parts of the ocean. Yes, there’ll be ripples at the top, but they will rapidly disappear.

Yet, people tend to pressure each other into being happy. As if feeling sad, angry, or anything else we label as “negative,” is a failure of character.

This instills enormous amounts of guilt and self-blame. It is also very isolating. You can’t share your authentic experience with someone who tells you that everything can be fixed by just contorting your face in a smile.

There is a path to happiness. And there is nothing forceful or fake about it. It lies in the acceptance of the full range of human experience.

“Failure is not an option.”

Other versions: “Never give up.” “I did it. You can do it too.”

If you have watched a wildlife documentary, you know that in nature, if you are going after what you want, failure has to always be an option. When a lion or a tiger charges at an antelope, they will pursue it until the second they realize it’s out of reach. And then they stop. Immediately. Because their instinct is to conserve their energy for the next hunt.

Our culture cherishes the notion of freedom to make your own choices. But it limits it to one single choice. What about the freedom to correct your course?

Countless people are stuck in soul-sucking careers because once upon a time they decided to pursue them. Countless people are trapped in abusive or miserable relationships. A big reason for this is that our culture discourages “giving up.” We assign labels such as “a failed marriage,” “a failed career” and use them as a measure of our self-worth.

If you are struggling with a career path, a relationship, or anything else, it can be very damaging to be told not to give up. The pain you are experiencing is an important symptom. Yes, it might be telling you that you should work on improving things. But it might also be telling you that you are trapped in something corrosive to your soul.

You must always have the option to quit. Then, if you stay, you know that your heart is truly in it.

And if you give up, you know it’s so that you open the door for future happiness.

“It could be worse.”

Other versions: “At least it’s not-” “Look on the bright side.”

This is factually true. Things can always be worse. And yet, if a friend of yours gets in a car crash and loses both legs, you wouldn’t tell them “It could be worse, at least you didn’t lose your arms too.”

According to psychologists, we apply this logic to emotional and mental health matters because they are invisible and therefore much easier to diminish.

The implication here is that we are not sufficiently grateful for what we already have. It instills guilt without actually helping with what we are struggling with.

Let’s imagine you lose your job. A well-meaning person tells you: “At least you have a stable marriage.” Yes, this is — without a doubt — fortunate. But if you lost both your job and your marriage, you would still have to find another job. Just because one thing is fine doesn’t take away from another thing that causes you pain or demands your attention.

You can both be grateful for what you have and experience the pain of the turmoils that life throws at us.

“Don’t dwell on it.”

Other versions: “You’re overthinking.” “You’re being too negative.”

Ruminating, or being subjected to repetitive negative thoughts, is one of the main symptoms of anxiety and depression. Even so, psychologists don’t tell people with depressive or anxiety disorders to just “stop thinking bad thoughts.” They tell them to work through their thoughts — by journaling, re-framing, using them to connect with others.

Regardless of whether you have a mental illness or not, “don’t dwell on it” is bad advice.

If your mind is getting compulsive, then it’s pointing to something deeper, something important. Like someone obsessing over a Rubik’s cube or a puzzle, it doesn’t let go until it solves it. If you try to suppress this, it will only return in a bigger form. Instead, find a creative way to work through it and it will lead you to a better place.

Very often we hear “You’re overthinking this” when we are not objectively ruminating over something. It’s just that people don’t want to hear about it, have already heard all they are willing to hear, or just don’t want the “negativity.”

Even if they don’t consciously mean it this way, it is a very effective way to shame someone into shutting up. And this is about all this piece of advice can ever achieve: silencing a person without solving anything.

“Everything will turn out OK in the end.”

Other variables: “You’ll get over it.” “It’s all for the best.”

The irony here is that such mantras are borrowed from philosophies that embrace the entire spectrum of human existence. In other words, a true believer in “everything will turn out OK in the end” acknowledges the here and now with all its struggles and imperfections.

Things do tend to turn out ok in the end. This happens either because we figure them out or after we’ve shifted our entire perspective (for example, we realize we want something different in life so losing this one job or opportunity or relationship was ultimately for the best).

But you can only do this if you live through your current experience.

If you deny or sideline your experience and try to take a shortcut, you are bound to end up in a similar situation. A pattern of repeated problems will start forming. To quote Carl Jung:

When an inner situation is not made conscious,

it appears outside as fate.

The Takeaway

We all want to be happy. Toxic positivity wants to force it. Genuine positivity knows that it’s a journey.

True self-love and pursuit of happiness are not the constant charge forward that they are advertised as. Life has cycles, a rhythm, and you can’t experience the highs without the lows. If you sprain your ankle and force yourself to keep walking while denying anything is wrong, you are not by any definition a happy person. If you recognize your pain and take time to heal it, then you will soon be walking forward that much stronger. Genuine positivity is recognizing these seasons of life.

There are many nuances to the human existence. If we limit ourselves to just one, life will always feel empty. But if we embrace the whole spectrum, we turn a one-note tune into a rhapsody.