Finding the Root:

My wall is high—real high. It's steep elevation is built brick by brick of let down and pain. I cried every time I had to build it taller and taller. It takes a resilient genuine soul to finally over come it. But sadly, so many people wouldn't stay around long enough to make it that high. However, now, it's getting too high, too hard to climb, too dangerous to reach the top. And it's time to let it fall.

I realized this wall I built was essentially destroying me. You see, while I was so busy keeping people out, I was trapping myself in. I developed relationships that weren't truly honest because the person could not see everything behind it. It also kept me from reaching out to those I could trust the most out of fear—fear of being exposed. I have been humiliated time and time again that I felt like that was the only thing to keep me protected. This WALL. It was doing the opposite. It didn't protect me from shit, honestly. I STILL experienced let downs. I STILL experienced pain. I STILL experienced heartache.

Truthfully, I don't think my family and friends knew the real me. I held a lot of skeletons in my closet. A part of it was embarrassment, another part was that I didn't believe I was worth the trouble to care about. (For example, my best friend and I have known each other for six years. We've had so many conversations, yet I never told her I was dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide. It shocked her. Because for all these years, I lived a lie. She confided in me so much. I needed to give her the chance to support me.) Seriously, that wall was going to be the end of me. That wall was going to come crashing down. It was getting unstable and weak. It's like Jenga. One wrong move and BOOM.

To break down my wall, I had to figure out why it was built in the first place. I could really only think of two reasons:

1. Distrust

I didn't trust a soul. I believe I developed this mentality in 7th grade. I was bullied at every school I went to. But, my experience with this girl really made me feel like people could backstab you in a heartbeat. I considered her my best friend. We talked on the phone every night, hung out at the mall and stuff. Regular pre-teen shit. Come to find out, she was talking about me behind my back. Calling me fat, saying I sound like an earthquake when I walked by, allowing her brothers to mock me. Yeah the bitch was evil. I couldn't understand what I did to deserve that shit. I was that person that when I love, I loved HARD. (Some people definitely shouldn't have received it.) Long story short, I ended up fighting her. Every blow I landed felt so good. I felt so free. But, I lost a piece of myself that day. It felt good to stand up for myself but it left a bad taste in my mouth. It really tainted my perception of people. Moving forward, I started to build my wall to mask my pain. I felt like as long as I keep people on the outside, they could not hurt me the way she did. I kept everyone at arms length, away from the real me.

2. Fear

I was afraid of heartache. I had been let down so much by people, that I did not want to get close to anyone ever again. So I hid. The moment I would even feel like I was getting close to someone, I had to look at them with my "third eye." I moved through life like this. Literally isolating myself to protect myself. That shit didn't work either.

What I realized about finding this root is that to destroy my wall, I have to stop applying past situations to new people I encounter. Not everyone is talking shit about me. Not everyone wishes ill on me. Not everyone is against me. This "fight" or "flight" response was damaging the present good in my life—my friendships, my relationship, my family.

I love being vulnerable now. Its beauty in vulnerability. Being able to release pass demons, and find a safe place among friends and family is my mission. I plan to stay the course.