Validation fueled me for a long time. I sought the approval from my parents, my friends, even strangers. I wanted to know I was doing something right. I desired this so much so that I stopped living for me, and started living for everyone else.
My aspirations did not belong to me anymore. They belonged to everyone looking at me. I lacked my own purpose and design. I was so unfocused, because I focused on everything BUT me. I was living like this for so long, that I became a pro of the "poker face." Everyday, I got up, got dressed and put on my best face just for everyone else. It was robotic. There was nothing behind my smile, my jokes, my laugh. Because internally, I was empty as shit. It was as if my false confidence was a way of coping. It was a distraction from the root—the root that was the catalyst of so much internal conflict. I had to do some soul searching, and realized I sought these things because I was insecure.
It's the root to a lot of people's pain. Mine included. For years, I was told so many negative things about myself, that I became negative. I was like a sponge. I absorbed every little thing. When I say everything... EVERYTHING. I was not just insecure about my physical appearance. I was insecure MENTALLY.
I didn't see fit. I could never stay the course because I would give up solely because of self doubt. You know how many times I dropped a CLASS because I didn't feel "smart" enough to pass it. You know how many times I pursued a business venture just to stop because I didn't feel like my content was "good" enough.
So I had to say fuck that shit... all that shit. Fuck him, her, and them. Because truthfully, I am enough.
So what woke me up?
Don't be afraid to seek help. It's money well spent. I really lacked internal happiness. You ever felt so unhappy that even though there's so many good things going your way, you're STILL not content. That was literally me. I was so so down. My therapist started connecting the dots for me. She challenged me. She showed me that everything I was feeling were mere falsehoods that I constructed in my mind. Don't let your mind play tricks on you. Find yourself, then find your purpose.
Good friends make all the difference. For so long, everything I was feeling internally remained between my diary and I. (LOL YES bitch, I have a diary. PERIOD) I was afraid that disclosing my battles internally would make them see me in a whole new light. Wellllll... they did see me in a whole new light. They saw my TRUTH. Find your forever friends, and let them support the REAL YOU.
3. Self Love
Loving yourself is the best medicine for a broken soul. I started piecing together the things I loved about myself. Self love eliminates the urge for validation. I believe this journey of self love I'm on brought me to start a blog; to finally SPEAK.