Finding Myself

I remember sitting in my room on New Year’s Eve of 2018 feeling lost and confused because I was getting out of a bad relationship. I spent 2 and a half years of my life dealing with an abusive, manipulating individual. As I sat in the dark room by myself, I began to wonder my mind and question “what is my purpose? why am I here?” I questioned myself and cried myself to sleep thinking I was alone, and no one would appreciate or accept me. I was tired of giving my all to my relationships and being treated like trash in the end. I have always been a shy person, soft spoken with a genuine heart. So why do bad things always happen to me? Am I cursed? Why do I attract negative people from relationships to friends? I never took New Year’s resolutions serious until this day. My 2019 goal was to find myself! I wanted to know my purpose in life and why I was put here on earth. I knew it was not to experience bad trauma but dealing with a traumatic childhood and being disrespected by men in all relationships from verbal abuse, to sometimes physical. I often blamed myself for everything that happened to me negatively. I know you are probably thinking what a bird scooter has to do with anything. Well 2019 was an experience where I learned a lot about myself. Overall, I came to the realization that I am a strong individual with an intelligent mind and nothing or no one can stop me from being a better me.

I spent New Year’s Eve and day alone because I planned to be alone majority of 2019 to find more about myself. I have always been in relationships and had a lot of friends, but I noticed I was never happy. I was always in conflicts with people because of who I chose to surround myself with. In high school I had a lot of friends, but I was always in drama because I was hanging out with the wrong people. I wanted to change my life around. I was tired of being judged and since I did not know much about myself, I listened to and started to believe what people were telling me. Such as I have accountability issues, I am not a good friend, I am heartless, I am going to be alone with no friends or man the list goes on. I needed to take a step back and get myself right because I often questioned if it was true because if it wasn’t why are all these people saying the same things?

The new year of 2019 started off bad. I was dealing with family issues. My uncle was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and passed , my brother was fighting a case and sentenced to 20 years in prison, my mom was depressed from losing both her son and brother so I had to carry her pain on my shoulders because I wasn’t used to seeing her in this state. This year I tore my ACL and meniscus and had to have knee surgery if that is not enough, I had to testify against my abusive ex in court. My life was in shambles and this year taught me so much. I was at my lowest and I did not have anyone to talk to besides a counselor and God. I knew then I was alone and could not count on all these so-called friends I thought I had. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them. You are only hurting yourself by making excuses for them.

April of 2019 I was visiting my sick uncle in S.T Louis. While I was there on vacation me and my cousins decided to go downtown to see the St. Louis arch monument. We came across these bird scooters on the side of the street. Since we were on foot, we decided to ride them through the park. Well I tried to be cool and fit in knowing this was my first time on the scooter. I did not know anything about the scooter or how to use it correctly and use the brake. You do not think about these things while you are in the act you just want to get on and ride like everyone else. Well my first mess up was I did not have on the right shoes, I had on sandals. Second, I did not have on a helmet, and 3rd I did not know how to stop and use the brake correctly. At the time I was not thinking of what can possibly go wrong I was just trying to gain memories with my family since we were all in a sad state regarding my uncle. I was riding the scooter and started to approach a busy street with an intersection. I was going fast on the scooter and could not stop fast enough with the brake, so I put my feet out trying to stop with my feet and flipped and fell off the scooter. It was the most embarrassing, humiliating experience ever to be in another state and injure myself and everyone looking at me from inside their cars. I remember my cousins pulling me up from the ground and when I stood to gain my balance my right leg gave out and It felt like a noodle. As soon as I put all my weight on it, it wobbled, and I immediately had to hold on to my cousin because I knew my leg was messed up. I limped my whole way to the car to go back to where the rest of the family was. My cousins were able to enjoy the scooters and take pictures on them, but I was not able to and could not enjoy the experience. I was in so much pain, my hands were scraped up and my leg was starting to swell. I was in another state, so I had to wait until we got back to AZ which is where I stay to seek medical help. I felt like I ruined Everyone’s trip by injuring myself because I could not participate in anything. People had to walk with me because I could not stand on my leg.

When I finally got back to AZ, I got an MRI done and X rays. This is when I found out I tore not only my meniscus but my ACL as well and needed emergency surgery because my knee was locked, I could not bend it or straighten it. This was when the insecurities began, I have always been healthy never broke a bone or sprained anything. I am in shape but not athletic, so I knew the recovery was going to be hard for me because it was something I never dealt with. After surgery I Was on crutches for 6 weeks, I could not drive during this time, and I had to take off work. I noticed while I was on leave, none of my friends came to visit me, or check on me, the only support I had was from my mom and sister. I felt forgotten and started to beat myself up about it. I cried every day because I was in pain and had to rely on other people to help me use the bathroom, make me food, take me to my doctor appointments, shower and dress myself. It was a lot to deal with and no one understood, I felt like every time I would speak about my recovery people would get annoyed or tell me to keep trying at it. I didn’t like the scar on my leg, I didn’t like how I lost weight in my lower body, one leg was bigger than the other, I didn’t like how it took me 12 weeks to be able to straighten my leg, it took 6 months to be able to bend my leg. The doctors do not tell you all the bad side affects you deal with before having the surgery. If I would have known I would be so insecure afterwards and not be able to do daily activities I probably would have held off on the surgery. I am glad it was an experience even though it was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with this showed me how to stand alone. I knew no one could help me recover faster, it was all on me to put in the work and stop feeling sorry for myself. Now it has been 9 months and I finally gotten my range of motion in my right leg and can move it with no pain. I can walk upstairs; I can do squats and all exercises. Finally, I am back to my normal self. In all, you find out a lot About yourself when you are injured, depressed, sick, or dealing with traumatic experiences. You find out how strong you are to overcome the battles and you find out who is there for you with that being your friends and family. I lost a lot of friends after this year; I chose to stay single so I can focus on my mental health and gaining confidence in myself. I am finally happy again. I moved back home with my mom to save and find out what I want to do in life. I tell my story to share with you all that it is okay to go through these experiences alone. You will learn a lot about yourself! It is okay to give up and start over, it is okay to be patient, it is okay to not have friends, it is okay to set boundaries, it is okay to be YOU. Not everyone is going to understand your life or the path you choose to walk and that is okay. If you are happy within that is all that matters. Use these bad experiences and turn them into something positive. I am glad I took this terrible experience and turned it into something more positive by sharing my story with others. I still have a long way to go with finding myself, but I can say things are starting to make more sense. Be the best version of you and I promise things will get better for you. Do not regret who you are, you matter!