Face Your Demons or They Will Face You...

I am naturally introverted... and according to my mother, I have been since I was a child. I don't really remember these days but what I do remember is not wanting to be bothered with friends outside of school or sports. Writing stories in my journals that no one would ever have the privilege to see or read. I was outgoing but I wasn't. I was social but I wasn't. My mom was forced to get a second line in the house because of my sister...she was born with a phone attached to her earlobe, now I can barely get her to call me back. I didn't like the phone much and I am still partial to face to face conversations.

I didn't realize how much of an introvert I was until this 'shutdown'.

Sitting at home in silence will either drive you crazy or drive you to the person that you have always been. I silently hide in circles amongst the six close friends that I have and now there is no hiding. There is no throwing myself into conversations with anyone other than me, myself, and I.

Some people are truly scared of their thoughts and deathly afraid of who they actually are. They would rather be a chameleon hiding in the leaves than show themselves.

I am dealing with my past demons during this time and here is why.

If you are ashamed of your past...it can and will be used against you. I was in a relationship where I was verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused...manipulated even. I was called a thief and a liar because of my past and no matter how I tried to get away from the things that I left behind it was thrown at me at will. Because I was ashamed of the things that I had done in my past life this would knock me down a notch and my abuser knew this. They also knew that words carried weight with me like a physical slap in the face never could.

No matter the perfection that I strived for I always fell short in their eyes and this was crippling. I would tell myself that I was worthy and then I would look into their eyes and see that I wasn't. I felt that I deserved to be treated like this because of my past transgressions but no one deserves to be belittled, and only in understanding this will the healing begin.

In spending time with myself, I have come to the conclusion that I am pretty awesome. I have also realized that if you do not face your demons that they can be held over your head. You have to own them and understand that they are there and that they are not going anywhere. You don't have to carry them everywhere that you go but just be prepared for them to rear their ugly head at any given time.

Your past may be used to discredit you and sometimes no matter how much credit that you have built one blemish can bring your score tumbling down.

Do you remember the scene in the movie 8 Mile with Eminem? The final rap battle Eminem defused his opponent by using everything that he thought would be used against him in his rap, therefore, leaving his opponent with no ammunition.

If you give your opponent a loaded gun then they can shoot you but if you remove all the ammunition that they could possibly use then you have won the battle.

The moral, don't hide your demons, don't hide your past embrace it. You would not be who you are without it.