Evelyn's Little Black Book

Evelyn couldn't focus.

The sounds of the neighbor's lawnmower on her left and her mom's crowded Zoom meeting on her right told her she is stuck between a thin wall and a thinner one.

She starts to sing.

"I'm almost there."

"Looking ahead." She clicks on the next question. She jots down the equation on her scratch paper and begins to solve it.

"Will I make it?" She sings as she looks up at the doom clock on the corner of her browser window. It ticks down—sixty seconds to go.

She enters the value for X and hits "submit." The wave of relief spills over her. She slumps in her chair and sings the line again. "Looking ahead. Will I make it?"

Evelyn sits up and grabs the little back notebook on her desk, flipping to the right page as she sings it again, writing it down on a page that already has two verses.

Evelyn's mother walks into her room. Evelyn snaps the book closed and shoved it under her stack of schoolbooks.

"Mom, can we ask the neighbors to agree to all mow their lawns on the same day?"

Maria laughs. I was thinking the same thing yesterday. Are you finished with your schoolwork?

Evelyn nods. "What's for dinner?"

Evelyn strums her guitar. Her little black notebook is laid in front of her as she sings the lyrics she wrote earlier.

Her mother knocks. Evelyn stops abruptly, putting the notebook away quickly as her mother opens the door.

"Dinner's ready."

"Okay, I'm coming."

"Are you writing a song?"

"Yes," says Evelyn sheepishly as she meets her mother at her door. They walk to the kitchen, where Mia has set dinner.

"Why are you hiding it? I want to hear it."

"Let me finish it first. It's still rough."

"Well, let me know if you want me to give you notes." Mia is looking intently at her daughter, making Evelyn uncomfortable.

"You're not a songwriter."

"No, but I'm your #1 fan."

"Ugh, Mom, you're too cheesy to be critical." Evelyn eats faster, avoiding her mother's eye.

"Well, let me know when you're finished. I want to hear it."

"It's not a big deal or anything; it's just to see if I can do it. How was work? The return to work meeting sounded tense." Evelyn was satisfied to find a way to move on from the subject.

Evelyn is in her room, at her desk again. She doodles in her little black notebook as the computer screen in front of her shows a "Waiting for host to start meeting" message. The notebook is nearly out of pages. It's obvious she's taped, glued, and stuck papers, keepsakes, and stickers throughout its lined pages. She finishes a drawing of an arched staircase that leads to a starry night sky. She flips through the book's pages. Part journal, part planner, and part art project, she's filled her notebook with all the ideas in her creative brain. The notebook has been her closest COVID-19 confidant.

The waiting message disappears on-screen, and her counselor appears.

"Hi, Evelyn!" Miss Emerson is clicking through her computer.

"Let me pull up your record here while you update me on your acceptances."

"Okay, yeah." Evelyn looks down nervously. "I got into Chapman and Long Beach. I heard from UCI last month. All the local schools I applied to."

"Congratulations. I see Chapman was your first choice; that's great. Okay, all good news. What about CalArts? I see you applied there as well."

"Well, I haven't heard from them." Evelyn is disappointed.

Miss Emerson is young enough to remember that feeling. It's something you can't hide over Zoom.

"Was CalArts something you applied for on a whim? I see you plan to major in business."

Evelyn is surprised by the question. Who would pick an art school over Chapman? She's had the plan for Chapman for as long as she can remember. Mia would take her to Orange, and they'd walk around campus drinking hot chocolate and talking about what it will be like when she's a student there. She can't change her mind now, not after her mom's been saving up for her to go to Chapman since she was in grade school.

"Well, I still want to study business. My plan has always been to be a business owner like my mother." As she said the words, she realized for the first time that she didn't want that anymore. Maybe she'd known for a while. If not, why had she applied for CalArts in the first place?

"Well, let's see if you get in, and we talk about your options then. It's farther than all the schools you applied to, and the commute would be too tricky, so unless you plan to move, you're going to need to factor in living outside of your home.

Just as quickly as realizing she didn't want to go to business school anymore, her new dream fell apart. She could never leave her mom—especially not to go to an art school. They had planned for her to go to business school her whole life.

A few days later, Evelyn's mother came into her room. Evelyn could tell she was serious.

"You have a letter." Mia handed her the letter.

As Evelyn read the envelope, she felt her heart stop. At least, that's how she'd describe it when she retold the story. She could see the thin blue lettering of the CalArts logo and was overwhelmed by the idea that her mother would find out her secret at the same time she'd find out if her new dream was even a possibility. Evelyn paused to find the right words.

"Mom, I just wanted to see if I could get in and which program I could get into. I'm not changing the plan and-"

"Let's see what it says."

Evelyn could see the word "accepted" as soon as she opened the envelope. She stopped reading and started choking up.

"Sometimes things you think will be challenging are just things you've made difficult in your thinking. Evelyn, you don't have to stick to the plan we made when you were in third grade. You're allowed to change your mind."

Suddenly, Mia pulled up Evelyn's college savings account on her phone. There was an extra $20,000 in it. Evelyn was fully crying now.

"You don't have to live at home, and you don't have to worry about me. I've seen your notebook. You're not good at hiding things from me, but you are a creative. And, likeI said, I'm your #1 fan. You have always been a creative girl, and I'm so glad you could discover that part of yourself this year. . Now, which program are you planning for?"