Emotions Shape Our Relationships

In the past, I (Jenifer) was an intern in an enormous hospital in the city where I worked under a negative and often unpleasant supervisor. She was the type of person who would constantly complain and find holes in the best of efforts -- whether they were of goodwill or working tirelessly to finish a complex case analysis in time. When I spent a lot of time alongside her, I can't think I've ever seen her smile for the first time. Her work enthralled me, but I was terrified of going to work every day. I was forced to end the program.

In retrospect, the negative attitude of my supervisor and the way that I felt when she has around created an unsettling shadow over the whole incident. However, what's even more impressive than a sour and negative director in a psychiatric rehabilitation center is that when I relayed the tale to Robin, she realized she had met the same supervisor almost two decades ago!

I (Sunny) wouldn't have known her name, but when I listened to Jennifer's movements John did around the girl, I recognized her immediately. I was fortunate enough to have supervisors more involved in my work. When I think about my experience, I can see how her negativity and annoyance were evident every time I met with her.

We mentioned this in an earlier article Article: Emotions are signals that tell us to go ahead or stay clear. This concept is most evident when dealing with people. A genuine smile that we see can be a signal to us to go green. It invites us to join and says, "keep moving towards me; I'm filled with joy or sentimental comfort to share with you." An eye roll or scowl typically is the reverse, signaling us to slow down or stop, telling us that "if you get close you'll be confronted with an angry or indignation or even rejection." We can gauge the emotions and moods we witness in other people's bodies and facial expressions and hear their voices and actions or words that bring us closer or push us away. We both were evicted from the same psychiatry doctor. It's frightening to think about the other people who were also affected and how many questions to clarify the situation weren't asked, or treatment plans weren't scrutinized because of how the person affected them.

Simply put, how we view people determines our decision to spend time with them, speak to them, cooperate, or put extra effort into helping them.

Check it out: Make a list of the five people you know. Perhaps it's your spouse, your most beloved friend, a colleague or spouse, a child, a sibling, or a friend you often visit (a haircutter, security guard, or a banking teller). For each person listed, you must answer this question: What word can describe your feelings when you imagine this person? Quickly answer the query without worrying about it. Write down your gut reaction.

Then take a look through the list. Are there any shocking things? What are your feelings? How could your outlined emotions affect how you communicate with them?

In Permission To Feel (Jenifer) wrote in detail about a similar exercise we've had with teachers to reflect upon their students. When they link their feelings about each student with how they treat students and observe, their eyes fill with tears, and they feel ashamed or guilty. They realize that their actions towards particular students have nothing to do with have to do with their performance or their needs. They know that they've inadvertently favored sure students over other students. This process can reveal an unconscious bias that the teacher may have. They want to fix it.

The good thing is they can. You can. We all have the ability. Just by being aware of this data about the way our attitudes towards others affect our behavior towards others and how we use this knowledge to help us navigate our interactions. For instance, if it is an employee, a child, or a friend irritating you and you are prone to be annoyed, your natural instinct could be to avoid the person. But, if you do commit a p Oint that reveals the way that this person is likely creates a feeling (annoyed), You can make a conscious decision on whether to stay away from this person or accept the irritation but resist your instinctual urge to avoid the person, or dig further and determine the root of your annoyance and plan how to change the feeling into something more positive.

We'll never know what our experiences as interns might be like if this supervisor had the training in emotional intelligence that we provide in schools and workplaces everywhere (including all over the world (including hospitals). We will have more fond memories and would have learned more!

Consider the emotions you feel towards the people in your life. What is the source of these feelings? Are they beneficial or detrimental in the way you deal with them? If they are not helpful, what can you do to change these feelings or improve your relationships?